One Mistake Can Change Everything
by Sempathy
Summary: What if Bella got everything she ever wanted... before she knew to want it? This is the story of what happens if Edward loses control upon first meeting Bella; will she ever be able to forgive him for causing her untimely death? Will he forgive himself?
1. Death

EPOV

_"__You're leaving?" she whispered._

_The others stared at me now._

_"Am I?" I hissed through my teeth._

_She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a darker direction._

_"Oh."_

_Bella Swan, dead. My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and start again…_

_"Oh," she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of Chief Swan's house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, her back to me as I stalked her from the shadows…let the scent pull me toward her…_

_"Stop!" I groaned, not able to bear more._

_"Sorry," she whispered, her eyes wide._

_The monster rejoiced._

_And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the trees beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour._

_"I'll miss you," she said. "No matter how short a time you're gone."_

_Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance. We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home._

_"Drop us here," Alice instructed. "You should tell Carlisle yourself."_

_I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop._

_Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain when I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder._

_"You will do the right thing," she murmured. Not a vision this time—an order._

_"She's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him, too."_

_"Yes," I said, agreeing only with the last part._

_She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. They melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around._

_I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice's head would be flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I wasn't sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires. -SM_

In the end, I didn't decide at all. As I drove my mind was elsewhere, on Alice's dark visions, and Bella's horrified face as she had seen the monster in me during biology, on Carlisle and my family. So I wasn't paying attention to where I drove, and sheer force of habit led me to the school, and there, a faint, barely perceptible, lingering trace of her scent remained.

I knew that Alice's vision of that darker future would have solidified, become certain, in the moment I smelled that scent again, so I knew I would have to be fast, she would be on her way to stop me.

All the plans I had made during that torturous hour came back to me, and I selected the one that would bring me to her blood the quickest. As I planned, I felt a part of me, the part of me that was Carlisle's true son, die.

I pulled up around the corner from her house and listened. Her neighbours were at home and that complicated things, but not much. It simply meant that I could not break into her house or surprise her into a scream. Pasting a warm smile onto my face I walked as casually as I could around the corner to her house and knocked on her door.

When she answered the door, after what seemed an eternity, her scent crushed me, and it was all I could do not to kill her right there on the doorstep. Marshalling what control I had I tried to make my voice as appealing as I could.

"May I come in? I wanted to apologise for my deplorable manners earlier." My attempt to be appealing must have worked - she stood aside to let me enter.

Now that I knew my thirst would be quenched in moments it was surprisingly easy not to kill her as I walked past, the scent intensified by our nearness. I waited calmly through the endless moments it took her to close the door and turn to face me.

She was perceptive, I'd give her that. It took me only a moment to reach out and touch the thoughts of her neighbours to ensure that they had not noticed my arrival, but in that moment I let my façade slip and saw the shock register on her face as I crossed the distance between us and sank my teeth into her warm flesh, her hair falling around me, turning this into a full-sensory experience- the feel of her flesh, the smell of her hair, the sight of her pale skin and the moist thudding of her heart.

And the taste... it was indescribable. There were no words for it. And there was not enough. Already her heart was faltering, her blood was running out, her skin cooling. It was almost over, and the thought of it ending, of never tasting that sweet ambrosia again, was unbearable.

Then there was a sudden crash as the door flew open and Alice was there, Jasper behind her. I cursed myself for losing myself so completely in the moment that I had not heard their approach and I reluctantly dropped the already cooling body to defend myself, loathe to give up even the few precious drops that were left.

I snarled and prepared myself to attack them for coming between me and my prey, but Alice's words stopped me in my tracks.

"Edward, stop, please. I love her."

She sounded heartbroken, and I saw in her thoughts that she was not only mourning me, that bit of compassion that I thought had died when I decided to take Bella's life, she was mourning Bella as well. I saw in her thoughts the vision she had seen after I left her earlier- her and Bella, arm in arm, like sisters. Alice's eyes golden, Bella's crimson.

Carlisle's son wasn't dead after all, and he stirred in horror as I realised how close I had come to attacking my own family. Appalled by myself I ran past Alice and Jasper, desperate to get away from the accusatory stillness of the body on the floor.

Eventually I realised that I was far enough from Forks that it was time to forget what I was running from and decide where I was running to. I couldn't go home, I knew that, but nor could I stay with the Denali clan as I had been planning. I couldn't live with them, not with my guilt glowing crimson in my eyes.

Rationality demanded that I stay close to Forks. The worst thing I could do was leave now and arouse suspicion. I wouldn't make this harder for my family than it already was.

Finally I decided to check into a motel far enough away from town that I wouldn't be easy to find, but close enough that I could still attend school. I lay on the bed in my room, staring at the ceiling and trying vainly not to remember the glory of Isabella Swan's blood.

BPOV

_When we entered the classroom, Angela went to sit at a black-topped lab table exactly like the ones I was used to. She already had a neighbour. In fact, all the tables were filled but one. Next to the centre aisle, I recognized Edward Cullen by his unusual hair, sitting next to that single open seat. _

_As I walked down the aisle to introduce myself to the teacher and get my slip signed, I was watching him surreptitiously. Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat. He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face — it was hostile, furious. I looked away quickly, shocked, going red again. I stumbled over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table. The girl sitting there giggled. _

_I'd noticed that his eyes were black — coal black. _

_Mr. Banner signed my slip and handed me a book with no nonsense about introductions. I could tell we were going to get along. Of course, he had no choice but to send me to the one open seat in the middle of the room. I kept my eyes down as I went to sit by him, bewildered by the antagonistic stare he'd given me. _

_I didn't look up as I set my book on the table and took my seat, but I saw his posture change from the corner of my eye. He was leaning away from me, sitting on the extreme edge of his chair and averting his face like he smelled something bad. Inconspicuously, I sniffed my hair. It smelled like strawberries, the scent of my favourite shampoo. It seemed an innocent enough odour. I let my hair fall over my right shoulder, making a dark curtain between us, and tried to pay attention to the teacher. _

_Unfortunately the lecture was on cellular anatomy, something I'd already studied. I took notes carefully anyway, always looking down. _

_I couldn't stop myself from peeking occasionally through the screen of my hair at the strange boy next to me. During the whole class, he never relaxed his stiff position on the edge of his chair, sitting as far from me as possible. I could see his hand on his left leg was clenched into a fist, tendons standing out under his pale skin. This, too, he never relaxed. He had the long sleeves of his white shirt pushed up to his elbows, and his forearm was surprisingly hard and muscular beneath his light skin. He wasn't nearly as slight as he'd looked next to his burly brother. _

_The class seemed to drag on longer than the others. Was it because the day was finally coming to a close, or because I was waiting for his tight fist to loosen? It never did; he continued to sit so still it looked like he wasn't breathing. What was wrong with him? Was this his normal behaviour? I questioned my judgement on Jessica's bitterness at lunch today. Maybe she was not as resentful as I'd thought. _

_It couldn't have anything to do with me. He didn't know me from Eve. _

_I peeked up at him one more time, and regretted it. He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion. As I flinched away from him, shrinking against my chair, the phrase if looks __could kill suddenly ran through my mind. _

_At that moment, the bell rang loudly, making me jump, and Edward Cullen was out of his seat. Fluidly he rose — he was much taller than I'd thought — his back to me, and he was out the door before anyone else was out of their seat. _

_I sat frozen in my seat, staring blankly after him. He was so mean. It wasn't fair. I began gathering up my things slowly, trying to block the anger that filled me, for fear my eyes would tear up. For some reason, my temper was hardwired to my tear ducts. I usually cried when I was angry, a humiliating tendency. - SM_

The rest of the day dragged. I couldn't keep myself from thinking of that black-eyed glare, wondering what I could possibly have done to provoke someone who, by all accounts was utterly indifferent to anyone outside his family.

When I finally made it home, the day seemed to have lasted an eternity. Thankfully Charlie wasn't back yet, so I went upstairs and finally gave in to the urge to cry. I had known that starting a new school would be hard, but nothing had prepared me for the day I had had.

What reason could he possibly have to hate me? The only thing he knew about me was that I was new here. Could that be it, I wondered? After two years of being part of the newest family in town (and, by virtue of his being the only one of them who was unattached, the most interesting member of that family), was he angry that I had usurped him?

I almost laughed at the thought. As if I, clumsy and plain and unmysterious as I was, could possibly rival him for long. I knew that soon enough I would be just another student at the school, whereas he could never be 'just another' anything.

A knock at the front door interrupted my tears.

Hastily I rushed to the bathroom to splash water on my face before running downstairs to answer the door. I had no idea who it could be, but I knew who I wasn't expecting- who I expected to never spend a voluntary moment in my presence- and so my jaw practically hit the floor as I opened the door and saw those black eyes.

There was no hatred in them now, but they were hard and cold, almost dead. There was something inhuman about his face, and I shivered at the sight of him, but when he spoke his voice was soft and compelling, pouring like honey from his perfect lips.

"May I come in? I wanted to apologise for my deplorable manners earlier." His smile was apologetic, endearing, inviting, in spite of those dead eyes. I stood back to let him pass me and then I closed the door and turned to face him. His mercurial face had changed again; it was severe, frightening.

Before I could open my mouth he had taken a lightning-fast step towards me. He covered my mouth with his hand so I couldn't scream. I closed my eyes in terror, thrashing blindly, but his arms held me implacably. I felt a sharp pain in my neck, which was quickly replaced by an agonising burning that seemed to radiate outwards from that initial pain. My head swam and I grew weaker and weaker.

An almighty crash sounded behind me and I was dropped to the floor, too weak to even open my eyes, and too consumed by agony to care what happened to me now. I lay limply, barely breathing as snarls echoed off the close walls of the hallway, and a high voice said "Edward, stop, please. I love her." The snarls ceased and a sudden gust of wind blew past me. I was lifted into gentle arms.

"Shh Bella, it's ok, he's gone now, you're safe." It was the high voice again. I could barely hear it over the ringing in my ears. I opened my eyes and could just make out the face of Alice Cullen above me, but the dark shape behind her remained faceless. The agony was spreading through my body, so intense now that, in spite of my weakness, I struggled in the strong arms that held me. I heard a hoarse whimpering and realised that it was mine.

"Are you sure about this Alice?" a low voice murmured, almost inaudible over my cries, which were growing louder now.

"Trust me, I've seen it. She will be one of us." Now I recognised the high voice I had heard earlier as Alice's. The light changed and I realised that I was being carried outside. That was the last thing I noticed before the agony consumed me and I became completely oblivious to anything external.


	2. The Facts of unLife

BPOV

It seemed like an eternity before the fire in me burnt itself out, culminating in the indescribable sensation of my heart beating its final, panicked beats.

I felt different. Everything was overpowering now: sounds, smells. But somehow my brain could cope with the onslaught of new sensations, calmly processing them. Harder to ignore was the burning thirst in my throat, but I grimly thrust that need aside in the face of a more pressing need. I had to figure out what was going on.

The loudest sound in the room was a pure, piercing scream which my calculating mind informed me was my own, and as I thought back I realised that I had been screaming ceaselessly for what felt like an unimaginably long time.

I did not stop screaming now, though I paused for breath, because I heard the low sounds of a muttered argument and I knew that if I fell silent I would alert the voices to my now-conscious state; I wanted to get as much information as I could before I 'woke up'.

"And where is he? She'll be coming round soon, and I'm not clearing up this mess for him."

"Hush Rosie-love, he's still staying away from us. You know how bad he feels for putting us in this situation."

"He doesn't feel bad enough to come back and deal with it, I notice."

"He's dealing with as well as he can - do you really think he's the best person to handle this? If I were her, he'd be the last person I wanted to see now. Well, actually, I'd want to see him straight away and give him a piece of my mind, but I'm not her."

"Well then, what about Alice? This is her fault too. God knows even a corpse would have been easier to deal with than this. We're happy the way we are, who gave her the right to start... _recruiting_?" This last was said harshly. The voices got quieter and gradually became inaudible as the speakers walked away. I puzzled over what I had heard, trying to fit it with my dim, fuzzy memories.

Edward had done... something to me, and Alice had something to do with it. I think she had stopped whatever he had been doing to me. I remembered her words _I love her. She's going to be one of us._

What did she mean by that?

I needed to think. It was surprisingly easy to continue the screaming without having to concentrate on it, as if I had managed to make it as involuntary as breathing, as...

Wait, my heart had _stopped?_

As I reeled from the realisation that somehow I was alive, without a beating heart, I opened my eyes. I took in almost instantly the light airy room around me, noting the large windows. _Escape_, I thought.

Without changing the tone or pitch of my shrieks (though the noise was getting almost unbearably tiresome), I slid quietly off the bed, and padded to the window in my bare feet, looking for a latch or some other way of opening them.

They were locked. And, I now realised, I was on the first floor of whatever building I was in. Even if I could open the windows, there was no way I could jump down.

I whirled to assess the rest of the room, looking for another way out. A small part of my mind was surprised that I had managed this without falling, that the swift movement seemed somehow natural. For that matter, I had no idea how long I had been lying on the low couch in front of me. Shouldn't I have been stiff?

I added that to the ever-increasing list of unsettling things I had to think about, as soon as I was safe.

There was only one door, and it was half-open. As I was considering whether I should risk trying to leave that way I heard voices approaching. Different ones this time. I quickly lay back down on the couch.

"I'm sure, she's been up and about for the last few seconds. I think she might have been awake for a while before that, but I couldn't see until she decided to get up"

I recognised Alice's voice. How did she know I was awake? Could she have heard my footsteps from wherever she had been? Either way, since the pretence was useless now, I allowed my screams to drift off.

"She's scared. And angry. Should I calm her down?" A male voice this time, one I didn't recognise.

"That might be best. She's going to be... difficult."

The door opened all the way now, and suddenly I was uncomfortable lying on the couch, I felt exposed and vulnerable. In a flash I was across the room, with a reassuringly solid wall at my back. But as Alice and one of the other Cullens (I thought I remembered that his name was Jasper) walked in, a feeling of peace washed over me.

I raised myself from the crouch I had not even realised I had been holding and stood at ease. Alice looked at Jasper and he nodded. She turned back to me.

"Bella?"

I didn't respond. Partly from sheer perversity- though I was too calm now to be angry about my apparent incarceration here, I was still not inclined to be helpful- but mostly because I had no idea what to say.

Jasper looked worried now. "Are you sure she's ok?" he asked Alice in a low voice, "you got there pretty late."

"She's fine, she's trying to decide what to do next, the vision keeps changing. Don't worry Jasper, she's a perfectly normal newborn."

"A normal newborn... somehow I am not reassured," Jasper's voice was dark.

I still wasn't saying anything, I was far too confused for that. And all the talk about babies puzzled me- Jessica hadn't mentioned anything about the Cullens having an baby as well as all their foster kids.

Had the baby been kidnapped as well? I resolved to find it, take it with me when I escaped. This was no place for a child.

"Jasper", Alice's voice was urgent now, "you spoke to Edward before he left. What did he tell Bella about us?"

"Nothing, or nothing that he told me anyway. Why?"

"She's going to try to escape."

"Wouldn't you?"

"No, that's not the weird part. She's looking for something before she leaves. What could it be?"

Underneath the odd calm that possessed me, I felt a weak stab of irritation that they were talking about me when I was right there. Part of me wanted to take my irritation out on them, and I felt my hands flexing into fists, but since they seemed to have already guessed that I was planning to escape, I supposed it wouldn't hurt to be friendly. Maybe if they thought I wanted to stay they wouldn't watch me so closely and I'd be able to get away.

"Um... Alice?" I said, as timidly as I could.

She smiled a dazzling smile at me. She must have been a good actress- if I hadn't known better I would have thought she was genuinely pleased that I was talking to her.

"Yes Bella?"

"Um, I'm really thirsty, could you get me a glass of water?" I didn't think they'd fall for this and leave me alone, but it was worth a try, and I really was thirsty.

Alice and Jasper exchanged a significant glance.

***

I was alone at last, but I was too stunned to try to escape, I wasn't even sure I wanted to. Pictures flashed into my mind; Charlie, lifeless in my arms, Jessica, Mike, Jacob. Everyone I knew here, or rather, had known.

I would never see any of them again.

Alice had explained, as kindly as she could, what had happened to me, what I was now. I hadn't believed her at first, but then she brought in a mirror and I couldn't help believing. Those eyes...

I was still thirsty, but even as the thought of slaking that thirst appealed to me in a powerful way the part of me that remembered being human, the part of me that was still _me_, was utterly disgusted at the thought of it. Drink blood? _Kill_ an innocent animal with my bare hands? Or worse... an innocent human.

I shook my head, unable to come to terms with the monster that I was now. The feeling of eerie calm was gone- Jasper had explained that he was causing it, more to protect me from the violence of my new emotions - and my new desires - than anything else, but he had promised that as long as I stayed in this room, he would leave me alone.

It was hard to get used to the idea of what Jasper could do, but harder to imagine Alice's talent- the one which had saved me from a death far more final than this one. They had told me about Edward's talent too, but I didn't want to think about _him._

Outside the room, of course, my rage was too dangerous to be allowed, so Jasper waited on the other side of the door until I was ready to meet my new... _family._ Ugh, after what they had done to me, I was amazed they dared to refer to themselves like that.

And obviously they weren't confident enough of their 'family ties' to allow me to walk freely around the house feeling the rage and hatred I was feeling right now, I was too dangerous to them. They had explained that too- that I was the 'newborn' they had been referring to, and that newborns were so much stronger...

Of course, they hadn't told me that until they were sure it had sunk in just how dangerous I was to a human right now, once they were sure I wouldn't try to leave.

Knowing that I would remain undisturbed as long as I didn't leave the room, I finally gave into my hysteria.

I was dead. I could never see my family again, for fear that I would kill them. I would never age, never change, never grow up, get a job, get married, have children, I would never live the life I had expected- and I had never even realised that I wanted these things, that I was counting on having these things, until they were taken away.

Vague practicalities flitted through my mind; how would my mother cope without me? Who would cook for Charlie? Of course, all these thoughts just avoided the larger issue- I doubted Charlie even cared what he was eating- he must be frantic with worry. I had just disappeared.

And then I got angry again, because I hadn't just disappeared. As far as Charlie and my Mom were concerned, I had run away. I thought of the note Alice had told me she'd left (handwriting carefully copied from the notes I'd taken in class, which had been on the kitchen table).

_I'm so sorry, but I just couldn't do this any more. I never wanted to move here in the first place._

_Please don't try to find me. I'll write when I've sorted my head out a bit. _

_Love you and Mom_

_Bella_

I was sobbing now, almost soundlessly. I noticed distantly that my sobs seemed to be tear-free now. How could she do that to me? How could she hurt them so much? It would have been better if I'd just died, at least then Charlie and Mom wouldn't have thought I wanted to leave.

Though I knew, if I was being honest with myself, that I couldn't hate Alice for what had happened. In fact I could see that she hated herself for letting it happen, for not seeing what _he_ was going to do in time to save me from this. And I knew she had only left the letter to protect her family.

I didn't blame her, I blamed _Edward_. I remembered the blistering hatred in his eyes when he had looked at me that day in biology. At the time I had been shocked that such hatred could exist, but I knew the hatred I felt for him now was so much greater than that pale, weak approximation.

A growl emerged from my throat- another strange thing to get used to. I knew he was still in town- keeping up appearances so that no one would suspect that the Cullens had anything to do with my disappearance. Surely he couldn't stay away much longer.

And when he came home, I would be waiting.


	3. Teething Problems

I listened to the family leave to hunt, wondering who would stay home to babysit me today. I had been here for a month and a half now, and in all that time I had not left the house, nor had I ever been alone in the house. (In fact, they wouldn't even leave me alone with one of the girls, since for now I was the strongest member of the household.)

For the first week I had been conscious, all the Cullens except Carlisle had stayed to keep an eye on me - Esme had no commitments outside the house anyway, and there was nothing strange about the others staying home from school since apparently half the student body were using the trauma of my disappearance (me, a girl that had only been among them for a single day) as an excellent excuse to get away with a week's truancy.

I tried not to be upset by the idea that not only were they magnificently unconcerned by my disappearance, but that they were actually taking advantage of it, but it hurt none the less.

By the second week, all the students were back at school, so the Cullens had to go as well (and apparently Edward was also attending school, travelling in from wherever he was staying, though he still wouldn't come home), so Carlisle had taken a week's leave, to stay with Esme, and protect her from me. After two weeks had passed, the furore over my disappearance had largely abated and it was safe for the the others to take it in turns staying with me when Carlisle had to go back to work.

By the time the Cullens went back to school I was able to envy the hours they spent there, not because I missed my classes, or even my classmates, but because I longed to leave the house which had become my prison.

I wasn't even allowed out to hunt - whenever one of the others went to feed they brought me 'take-away', as they called it, instead of risking letting me loose.

I ate in the garage. The first time Jasper and Emmett had come in with me, until I threw a screaming fit and refused to eat in front of them. Instead they waited outside, one by either door, as I grimly choked down my meals. I couldn't bear the thought of them seeing me do such a monstrous thing. It didn't matter to me that the sight would seem perfectly natural to them, it was my own disgust that I feared, and it was harder to ignore when I was being watched.

Still, ignoring it still wasn't easy, even when I ate alone, and the first time they had left me in the garage with an unconscious deer, it had gotten the better of me. Jasper, worried by the sudden change in my mood that was completely contrary to the way it should have been after my first meal, had rushed in to find me clawing insensibly at my impervious skin, surrounded by the pool of blood that I had choked back up almost as soon as I had swallowed it.

Of course, he had calmed me instantly, and Emmett had gone back out with surprisingly good grace to fetch me another deer. Now when I fed, Jasper was much more attentive, imposing that unnatural calm whenever the disgust threatened to overwhelm me again.

Carlisle had spoken kindly to me after that first incident, reminding me that it did not honour the sacrifice of the doe to waste her blood that way. I tried to care, tried to imagine that the doe would care, but I couldn't. She was dead anyway, why should it matter to either of us?

But I couldn't make any of them understand the real reason for my self-loathing. I couldn't adequately explain to them that I couldn't look at any of my kills without seeing the faces of all the humans that could have been taking their places, that I knew I would have killed without a thought had they been unfortunate enough to cross my path.

I was a monster, nothing could change that, and never was I more aware than when fresh, hot blood filled my mouth and I felt my killer instincts take over.

The Cullens had done their best to keep me occupied, buying me books, music, DVDs, anything to help me pass the time, but mostly I simply stayed upstairs in my 'safe room' and moped. I knew they genuinely wanted me to be happy, and did everything in their power to make things easier for me, but I couldn't shake my misery.

Though they never relaxed their rule of having someone there to watch me all the time, they were less careful around me in other ways now, seemingly reassured that I showed no signs of wanting to leave. I was utterly passive and compliant, because in truth, I _didn't_ want to leave. It was impossible to be happy here, though Jasper bolstered my mood every time I left my room, and I found I actually grew to enjoy Alice's company, but I knew it would be equally impossible to be happy anywhere. I was not sad about where I was, just about what I was. Besides, here was the safest place for me, the place where I was least likely to hurt anyone.

But even I couldn't mope all the time. Sighing I headed downstairs looking for some company, but no one was there. Confused I paced from room to room searching for the minder I knew they must surely have left me, but there was no one. Finally, in the dining room I found a note pinned underneath a small silver phone:

_Gone hunting, figured you wouldn't want to come. We'll bring you something back. Jasper has his phone, give us a ring if you need anything._

_Be good!_

_Alice_

Had they actually left me alone? Did they finally trust me enough? Mulling this over I dug out a DVD I hadn't seen yet and sat down, revelling in being alone, but about ten minutes into the film something occurred to me.

Edward.

I would have to be fast, Alice would see what I was doing and come back to stop me, but they usually went quite a distance to hunt, so there was a good chance I would find Edward before they could get back.

Now, how could I find him? Inspiration struck when I remembered the phone Alice had left. I was sure it was hers, so Edward's number would be programmed into it. The only question was where to ask him to meet me. I didn't know many places in Forks, and none that would be guaranteed to be free of humans.

I found his number in the phone. Smiling now, I sent him a text. "Need to talk, I'll meet you behind the house, you don't have to come in." Certain that he would accede to 'Alice's' request, I went to wait for him.

I didn't have to wait long. Within a few minutes I could hear him running through the trees, and shortly after that I saw him. He didn't seem surprised that Alice wasn't there, or that I was. He glanced at me once, and then looked down, standing completely still at the edge of the trees. This confused me, surely he knew what I had brought him here for, why didn't he run? Fight?

Surely he couldn't be stupid enough to think I just wanted to talk? My burning hatred of him must be visible in my crimson eyes.

Maybe not. Maybe he was exactly that stupid.

There was an odd expression on his face, but I didn't bother trying to read it, I knew I wouldn't have much time before Alice returned. I growled low in my throat and leapt at him, throwing him to the ground. I pressed my advantage then, pinning him to the floor and clawing at him; utterly enraged and determined to get in as many hits as I could- even if Alice was slow to return, I knew Edward was an experienced fighter, and even my newborn strength wouldn't keep him down for long.

But I landed blow after blow without interruption. As the haze of my fury began to clear I wondered why he hadn't stopped me. I looked down at his face, really seeing it for the first time, and I was shocked as I recognised his expression. Suddenly I understood why he wasn't fighting back, because it wasn't anger or hatred I saw, but remorse.

I sprang back, disgusted. This wasn't the satisfying revenge I had expected, it was more like kicking a puppy.

I was standing over him now, and he hadn't moved an inch, he hadn't even raised an arm to protect his face from my blows. He gazed at me with nothing but bitter regret in his black eyes. I was angry again now, angry that he had deprived me of my satisfaction.

"Stand up and fight me." I hissed.

"No." he whispered gently, as if to a child or nervous animal. This enraged me further. How dare he be so composed, so... so kind? How dare he play the martyr?

"I could kill you," I growled at him, hoping to provoke a response, but none was forthcoming. He simply said, "Yes," in that same soft tone.

"So stop me!" I half-shrieked at him, beyond frustration. This wasn't at all what I had envisioned. But he simply shook his head, wordlessly.

I fell on him again then, beating him mercilessly, determined to break his icy cool.

"Fight back!" I screamed, "fight me, hit me, stop me!"

I spat the words, and without me realising, my words turned to sobs, tearless, choking sobs that racked my frame.

I realised then, for the first time, why I was really here tonight. I had not wanted to kill him, I had wanted to provoke him into killing me. I couldn't bear this tortured half-life, couldn't bear being nothing but a danger to everyone I loved, even my supposed new family. I couldn't stand the way Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle surreptitiously moved to protect their mates whenever I entered a room.

I couldn't bear it, and I knew, having heard tales of Carlisle's numerous failed suicide attempts, that Edward was the best, the only chance I had of ending this. But he wouldn't even fight back. I couldn't decide what was worse- that he had killed me once, or that he refused to do it again.

I was all but inarticulate, but through my sobs, I heard my voice begging Edward to kill me.

Finally he moved, but instead of ripping me limb from limb, he simply held me as I wept. I couldn't cry myself to sleep any more, but I sobbed until I was near-catatonic with misery- the best I could do now.

As I wept myself out and finally lay insensible in his arms, Edward lifted me up and carried me back into the house. I was still vaguely aware of my surroundings, but it was only a small part of my brain that monitored them, saw the long black leather sofa Edward laid me on, and heard him leave. Then all was dark and quiet, and I was alone once more with my grief.


	4. Debt

Edward's POV

I was hunting when I got Alice's text. _"Need to talk, I'll meet you behind the house, you don't have to come in." _My phone was clogged with texts and missed calls from every member of my family, begging me to come home, but this one was different. I trusted Alice enough to know she wouldn't ask me to meet her unless there was a good reason. Sighing, I turned and began the short run home.

As I approached the house I started listening for Alice's thoughts, hoping to hear some warning of what she wanted to talk to me about. But I couldn't hear anything. Alice wasn't there, and neither was anyone else. The house was deserted.

I felt a stab of fear that I had pushed them too far. I knew that I was hard to live with. I had hurt Carlisle and Esme before with my lack of control, when I had left them only a decade after my creation. And even after I returned, I had often found it difficult to be the only one alone in a house full of soul mates, especially as I could hear their every loving thought. I knew that time after time I had pushed them away, trying even Carlisle's extraordinary patience. Was this the final straw? Was my self-imposed exile to be permanent?

_If they had left, it was only what I deserved._

Then I saw a flash of movement on the back steps and I understood. I had not yet seen Bella like this, though I knew that Alice had allowed her to turn, had incorporated her into the family. I had heard Alice's thoughts as we sat at our usual table at lunch, day after day- keeping up appearances although I wouldn't speak to any of them.

Though her transformation had wrought great changes, I recognised her instantly. The girl I had killed. I looked away, unable to face the evidence of my crime.

The hatred I had felt for her, hatred I had thought she deserved simply for existing, for being so tempting, had dissolved as if it had never been. She couldn't have helped her scent, it had been my responsibility to maintain my control. And I had failed her.

I knew why she had summoned me. In that instantaneous glance I had seen the hatred in her eyes. And I knew that _I _deserved that hatred as she never had. I knew she meant to kill me, and in that second I resolved to grant her wish. A life for a life. I wouldn't fight it.

She growled and pounced at me, forcing me to the floor. In those moments, I did not feel threatened, did not feel angry. I felt an immeasurable sadness as I remembered the warm, soft, forgiving creature she had once been. I remembered her adorably kittenish anger when I had insulted her in the school office, and remembered that despite my giving her every reason to hate me, she had looked only forgiving when she had opened her door and invited me into her home. I compared those memories to the creature before me now and realised the change had not been kind to her.

When I thought of the human Bella, a girl I had barely known before I killed her, but had come to know through the thoughts of others, I felt the faint stirrings of a new emotion beneath the guilt. Admiration. I had admired her strength. It was of a different nature to mine, the strength to endure, rather than to fight, the strength to forgive, rather than to avenge.

Seeing the vengeance in her eyes now I saw that I had stolen her strength as surely as I had stolen her life.

My resolve became stronger. I would give her her revenge. It was my turn to endure now.

Endurance was difficult, much harder than fighting back, and I felt a new respect for the human she had been. The stinging blows she rained on me seemed unending. I realised, grimly, that she clearly had no idea how to end one of our kind, and I knew then that my death would be slow. I gritted my teeth and braced myself.

And then it was over. The blows stopped and in an instant she was standing over me, looking even more enraged than she had before. I was puzzled, but used this brief respite to shore up my resolve not to fight back, not to hurt her again.

"Stand up and fight me." she hissed. Her voice was inhumanly beautiful now, but I found I missed the husky tones of her human voice. A voice I had heard only a few times, but which seemed to have burned itself into my memory.

"No." I had no right to fight her.

"I could kill you," She growled at me. As if I didn't know that. I steeled myself, waiting for the fatal blow, but it didn't come. She seemed to be awaiting a response.

"Yes." I said finally, my voice still gentle, unsure what else to say.

"So stop me!" She seemed practically incoherent with frustration. I didn't understand. Couldn't she see that I wouldn't fight her? Couldn't she see that I would not hurt her again? I shook my head in confusion.

She fell on me again, and the blows rained down once more. I felt almost peaceful. If this was to be my end, it would be a good one. If this would give her even a little peace of mind, then I owed it to her.

But even now she did not seem content.

"Fight back!" she screamed, "fight me, hit me, stop me!"

All of a sudden her anger transmuted into sobs, and she was shaking with the force of them. This took me by surprise, and I lay, frozen, unable to work out what had happened. Through her sobs I began to make out words.

_Kill me kill me kill me kill me..._

I couldn't listen anymore as I was struck with sudden understanding. I remembered the self-loathing I had felt, when the monster had almost overtaken me the first time I had met her, and saw that same emotion in her eyes.

I realised that the sweet, soft, forgiving creature I remembered had survived her transformation, realised that it was not hatred for me that had burned in her gaze, but hatred for herself.

I couldn't read her mind, but in a flash of insight I saw the horror that this new life must be to someone as gentle and soft as she, and I saw that even her amazing endurance was coming to its end. This life was anathema to her.

I was almost moved to grant her request, but found that I couldn't. Perhaps this was weakness on my part – Bella Swan seemed to bring out the worst in me – but I could not end her life. Not again.

I took her in my arms, wanting to give her any comfort I could, but half expecting her to shrug me off. I was surprised, and oddly gratified, when she curled tightly into my chest, her sobs intensifying. Her grief was impossible to bear, but I steeled myself to bear it, imagining that I had absorbed some of her endurance along with her blood. If all I could do for her was to hold her, to keep her from being alone in her grief, then I would hold her for all eternity if I had to.

Eventually she wept herself out and lay insensible in my arms. She had drawn away from me slightly, and seemed oblivious to my very existence. Much as I longed to keep her in my arms forever I recognised that she needed to be alone, to come back to herself slowly, so I carried her into the house.

I followed her scent to the study, and saw that this seemed to be her room now. But it was blank and impersonal and cold. I would not leave her in a room that seemed to hold so much misery. Turning down the hall I opened the door to my room and laid her gently on my black leather couch.

I padded softly across the room so as not to disturb her, but before I closed the door I glanced back at her face, and felt the first stirrings of emotions I was not equipped to identify.

APOV

I gasped as the vision overtook me. It was even worse than I had expected – Bella hadn't decided straight away what she would do when she finally came face to face with Edward, but she had decided now.

_What have I done?_

I felt Jasper's arms around me as he felt my shock and chagrin. But there was more to the vision. Preparing myself for the worst I followed it to its conclusion, wincing at every blow Bella landed on my brother, with every ounce of her newborn strength. But it was worse when she stopped fighting.

_Kill me_

My heart broke as I heard her agonised begging. Absently I blessed the fact that Jasper was not there to feel her desperate misery, I knew it would be painful enough for him feeling the emotions this vision elicited in me.

Again I cursed my wayward visions. I had been so sure that seeing Edward was what Bella needed. Just as I had been so sure a month ago that Bella would fit happily into our family. I had been wrong again. I would tear my family apart with my errors. I braced myself as the vision sped to its climax, certain that by its end I would have lost either my brother or my new sister.

But, miraculously, everything somehow worked out. I had been right, this time, right to leave Bella alone, engineer their time together. Edward _was_ exactly what Bella needed. I saw another brief flash of the vision I had been hiding from Edward for weeks: Edward and Bella, walking down a milky white beach in the moonlight, hand in hand. And, as I looked closer at their intertwined digits, I saw again the ring on her finger. The ring that Edward had kept with him through every one of our moves. His mother's ring.

Edward was exactly what Bella needed, and Bella was exactly what Edward needed. My heart sung as I knew that my beloved brother's loneliness would soon be at an end.

I opened my eyes and looked at Jasper, the worry gone from his face as he felt the waves of hope rolling off me.

"It's all ok," I whispered to him, "let's hunt, but make it quick. We have to be home in half an hour. Edward will need someone to talk to. He's come home."

EPOV

After leaving Bella in my room, I had intended to return to my motel room, but I found I couldn't leave her. My mind was racing, and although sitting brought me no more relief than standing had, my carefully constructed human habits led me to settle into an armchair in the main room.

The more I thought, the more I realised that leaving again, now, would be the blackest cowardice. I had made Bella, and then refused to unmake her. I had taken every other choice away from her. So now I had a responsibility to make the life that I had forced her into as pleasant as possible.

It was obvious that she was finding it difficult. As if her breakdown was not enough evidence of that, I thought back over the snippets that I had seen in my siblings' thoughts as I sat silently with them each day at lunch.

I could tell they were trying to hide them from me, to protect me from seeing the worst consequences of my actions, but they had not been able to conceal everything.

Jasper's thoughts had been the worst. Through his strange extra sense I saw the miasma of despair that followed her. I saw, too, their ill-fated first attempt to feed her. But Alice's were almost as bad. She loved Bella as much as she loved the rest of our family, and watched her with an almost possessive care. I saw through her eyes Bella's heartbroken expression at a display of maternal love in a film. They chose the films more carefully after that. And I saw Alice's confusion and hurt that the vision she clung to – her and Bella, arm in arm, smiling – showed no signs of coming to pass. I sensed that there was more to that vision, but Alice had always cut off her thoughts before I could see.

Alice's vision clearly showed that Bella had the potential to be happy as a vampire, but no matter what Alice did, that happy future eluded her. Alice was beginning to worry that she had been wrong to allow Bella to turn. Would it have been kinder to just let her die?

I asked myself the same question now, but I could come to no conclusion. Eventually I silenced the thoughts racing through my head – there was no point searching for the answer, when having it would not change my actions. Even if it was the right thing to do, I knew that I could not kill Isabella Swan. Or, at the very least, I could not do it again.

Alice and Jasper returned then. I could see in Alice's thoughts that she knew everything that had transpired that evening.

_I'm sorry I let her hurt you Edward. But it was for the best, you can see that, can't you?_

Her thoughts had a guilty tone, and I could see she felt terrible. I nodded, once, after all I could see that she was right. Bella had needed this evening, and I realised that I had too. I had wallowed for too long in my regret, and it was time for me to deal with the consequences of my mistake.

Alice embraced me then, and Jasper put his hand on my shoulder, allowing me to feel for a second the relief and joy he felt at having me home.

_I've missed you, brother._

"I've missed you both." I said then, overwhelmed at my own relief at being home again. "I'm so sorry for how I've hurt you."

"You did what you needed to Edward, we all understand that this was difficult for you." Alice was too forgiving, as always. "Besides," she continued "it is just so nice to hear your voice again."

"Anyway," Jasper spoke now, his voice wry, "at least you waited long enough to get her alone. Emmett didn't even last ten seconds when he smelt blood like that. It's not your fault that Alice decided that Bella was too precious to waste."

Alice pouted now, "What was I meant to do? I love her!"

Jasper laid a soothing hand on her shoulder. "No one blames you, love, you know we love her too now. _No one,_" and he shot me a significant glance now, "would try to take her away from you."

"Don't worry Jasper," Alice chimed in, having seen the look that passed between us. "Edward loves her too now, don't you?"

I was taken aback at that. Did I? I thought back to the puzzling emotion I had felt when I left Bella in my room. Maybe I did. It was sudden, but Alice's adoption into our family had been just as sudden, and I couldn't imagine loving my sister any more even if we had really been related.

But this was another irrelevant question. For better or worse, Bella was part of my family now, and I would not leave again. Which brought me back to the discussion I knew I needed to have with Alice and Jasper, but which I desperately wished was not necessary.

"I'm home now," I began, wishing I could put this off, but knowing I couldn't, "so I need to know. How bad is it, really?"

Suddenly their minds were open to me once more, as they dropped the barriers they had erected to hide the painful thoughts from me, and mentally ran through every memory they had of Bella.

It was even worse than I had imagined. Even having seen for myself the depths of Bella's depression, I had not thought that she could truly have been that miserable all the time. My family loved her, surely their love could have given her at least a little happiness? And there was not a one of us that did not take some joy in the sheer, unbridled strength and agility our vampire forms afforded us. Did she not feel the same joy?

Apparently not.

As I looked through the memories they played for me, I searched for one single moment in which Bella had not suffered, and found none. There was not one moment that was not clouded by pain.

This was my responsibility, my fault, and I resolved then to find some way to ease that pain. I saw again Alice's hopeful vision of Bella's happiness, though she followed it hastily with a recitation of the first act of Hamlet, so I knew there was something she was still hiding from me. I raised an eyebrow at her, but she merely looked innocent, so I dropped the matter. I thought over Alice's vision, and I was determined that I would somehow make it happen.

I had been willing to die for Bella's peace of mind. If my death would not help her, then I would give her my life instead. I would dedicate my existence to making her happy again.


	5. Homecoming

Bella POV

Things changed after that. For starters, Edward moved back in, to Esme's obvious delight (and I didn't realise quite how withdrawn she had been until now, when I saw how she blossomed with her family reunited), and although I could never forget that it was Edward who had put me here, I also found it increasingly impossible to hate him with the single-minded fervour that I had done.

After all, they had told me now how indescribably alluring my blood had been to him. Emmett had hesitantly related his two experiences with similarly enticing humans, as if he expected me to be angry with him, but I found I could not hate him for giving in to overwhelming temptation. And if Emmett was not to be hated for his actions, then why should I hate Edward for his identical ones? Of course, forgiving Edward was easier said than done, but I was making progress.

In some ways, he was the easiest of the Cullens to talk to, though conversation between us was always strained; he seemed to have difficulty believing that I would want his company, and to be honest, I had trouble believing it too. But his remorse at what he had done to me meant that he understood best of all of them the disgust I felt at my vampire hungers, and I think he actually found me interesting, mine being the only mind he had ever been unable to read.

So while my friendship with Alice continued to grow, and I felt deep gratitude and respect for Jasper's help in adapting to the violence of my emotions, it was often the case that when the sadness crept up on me, it was Edward, rather than solitude, that I sought. I would sit with him for hours, confessing my every thought and feeling. He never said much, but every word he spoke was perfect. His voice, his eyes, his very demeanour screamed understanding. Somehow, his compassion meant more to me, helped me more, than Carlisle's legendary patience, because it wasn't universally and indiscriminately given, it was only for me.

But as I began to leave my room more, I realised that each of the Cullens had something to offer me, something they would gladly share with me to ease my transition into this life.

Carlisle was proof that the monster could be fought, and defeated, for even in my most hateful moments I couldn't see the monster in _him_. He was proof that even a vampire could dedicate their time to saving lives, rather than taking them.

Esme's unquestioning, unbreakable, love for her children, and increasingly for me, showed me that the best of humanity- love, compassion, family- was not lost to me.

Rosalie, who ached for the future she could have had even more than I did, for her plans had been more concrete, showed me that it is possible to live, and to enjoy living, without losing who you had been, and without losing the sense of loss over who you could have become.

What Emmett showed me was his pure, unadulterated joy at every part of life. More than any of the others he truly loved every aspect of what he was, and his contentment was infectious.

Jasper, who struggled with this life almost as much as I did, but for very different reasons, showed me that feeling thirst wasn't evil, that only giving in to it was. And that even giving in was not irrevocable, the war lost to the monster. He showed me that it was possible to make mistakes, and pick yourself up, and try again with the hope that next time you would be strong enough.

And from Alice there was simply faith in what her visions had shown her. Faith that I would find a way to live this life, and love it. Faith that I would be her sister, and she mine, forever.

For the first time since my change I began to feel that although I did not yet agree with their constant assurances that I was part of their family, one day I might. Partly this was due to the fact that they had been less of a family during Edward's absence; he had been with Carlisle the longest, been Esme's first vampire 'son', and there had clearly been something missing when he was gone. But partly it was also, I think, due to the change that Edward had wrought on me; our confrontation in the woods had been the first time I had admitted to myself, let alone to anyone else, how truly despairing I was, and in a strange way, the catharsis of just admitting it, and having my secret so truly understood (for I felt that Edward really did understand my death-wish) had lessened its impact.

I began to accept that my circumstances would not, could not, change, no matter how much I wished to be human again, and I also accepted that there was something in me other than the monster, and that it was okay to want to keep that monster alive, in order to keep the part of me that was still _me_ alive as well. I no longer wished for death, no longer felt a duty to end myself. And with acceptance came the first steps towards adjustment.

Here Edward had helped as well. He revealed that, although they were dim, and difficult to focus on, he was able with some effort to read the minds of animals, as well as humans and vampires. He explained to me that death to an animal was not what it was to a human; that in a bout of self-flagellation remarkably similar to my own he had once read the mind of his prey as it died, and been amazed at what he found. When death was inevitable, he said, they accepted it without a struggle. He told me that he had found the dying animal's mind to be a remarkably peaceful, unquestioning place. I saw peace on _his_ face as he recalled this, and knew that what he said was true.

I still found it hard to eat, still couldn't bear to be watched as I killed, but this knowledge made it easier.

And freed from my self imposed obligation to hate the monster I had become, I gradually began to find some peace in my new life.

Edward POV

Bella never failed to surprise me with our little chats, and that was unusual; I was almost as difficult to catch unawares as Alice. But the infuriating silence of her mind meant I could not 'hear' when she wanted to talk to me, the way I could with the others.

Though, to be truthful, that wasn't the only reason our talks took me by surprise. Even discounting the extra abilities some of us possessed, vampires are almost impossible to catch off guard, but every time I heard her coming towards me, caught her scent as she approached – infinitely different to her previous, human aroma, but equally enticing – it never occurred to me that she was coming for _me. _I always assumed that she would breeze right past me, or at the most pause to exchange some polite pleasantries.

So every time she came to me, standing at my side, or sitting with me, once even lying next to me in the meadow behind the house where I had been watching clouds drift across the sky, I was just as taken aback as the first time. And just as – here I struggled to find the word I was looking for – grateful? Bemused? Entranced...

I didn't let myself think that way for long. Just as my mind refused to accept that Bella truly wanted my company, it found it equally impossible to believe that she didn't still despise me for what I had done to her. A wretched creature such as I had no business feeling that way about her, and even less business wondering whether there was a chance that my feelings would ever be reciprocated.

I shook my head. I was grateful that Bella seemed to tolerate my presence, but I couldn't expect more than that. Perhaps in the years to come, as her human memories faded, we could be friends, maybe even siblings, but not yet.

Had she found it intolerable to share a house with me I knew I would have left, but it would have been hard. My duty to her weighed on me, and I felt an unquenchable need to watch over her and protect her. Leaving would have been almost unbearable.

I was puzzled by the confusing sensations Bella's presence always elicited in me, finally forcing myself to admit that it was love I felt – love as strong as my love for Alice or Carlisle, or anyone else in my family. But this admittance did not seem to assuage my confusion; there was nothing wrong with loving Bella; she was part of my family now, and it was right that I should love her as much as I loved the rest of them. Of course I could not, could never expect her to feel the same way about me, but I accepted that. So why did I still feel that something was missing? Why did I feel that acknowledging her as family to me now was not enough?

I was mulling over these thoughts as I caught once again a breath of exquisitely scented air and lifted my head to watch Bella's approach. She may have been clumsy as a human, but now she moved with perfect grace, even more so than most vampires. Her every move seemed to me as beautiful and profound as the most moving dance. Sometimes I caught myself watching her, breathing in her unconscious perfection, and had to force myself to look away before she noticed. This was one of those times.

Embarrassed, I turned to stare out of the window, hoping she hadn't seen my gaze. I waited for her to pass me, but once again she surprised me, settling herself down next to me in a way that brought music to my dead heart. I felt the itch to compose, an itch I hadn't felt in countless years, and knew she had given that to me.

She gave me so much – music, beauty, even bringing meaning to a life that had seemed so pointless until my quest to bring her happiness had awakened me from my stupor. She gave me so much, and all I did was take things away from her.

I crushed my self-pity, focusing my thoughts on her as I waited for her to speak. As always, after a brief hesitation, words sprung fluidly from her lips. She spoke quietly yet earnestly, and I always felt a wave of amazed joy as I heard her deepest thoughts – thoughts she confided only in me. Her trust in sharing this with me felt like a benediction and I basked in the knowledge that she had chosen me to be her confidante.

"I've been thinking," she spoke suddenly, the words spilling out in a rush, "maybe it is time I wrote to Charlie. I said... well, Alice said that I would write to him. Isn't two months long enough to keep him in the dark?"

I thought about this, wondering whether this would help her to overcome some of her grief at losing her parents, or whether renewed contact would simply re-open the wound. Of course, I knew she would only be considering what was best for Charlie and Renee, with no thought of her own good.

"Have you thought about what you'd tell him?" I asked. It went without saying that she couldn't tell anyone the truth.

"I haven't decided," she responded, looking glum, "I don't know what to say to make this easier on him."

She paused for a moment, her face unreadable, before continuing.

"That's actually why I wanted to talk to you. You've been around Charlie, read his mind. I thought you might be able to tell me what I should say. If anyone would know what he needs to hear, it would be you." Her eyes were beseeching now, and I wanted nothing more than to give her what she wanted, but I couldn't.

"Bella," I began, not knowing quite how to say what I knew I had to. "if you really want me to go poking around in Charlie's head for you, then I will, but please listen to me first. There are two very good reasons why that isn't the best idea."

Her face fell, and I almost capitulated, but I knew that in the long run she would feel better if she did this for herself. Besides which, I still hadn't told her how vague Charlie's thoughts actually were to me; until recently I had thought that the fuzziness of his mind was due to some mental slowness on his part, but in the first days after Bella's death I had found myself secretly following him on several occasions, using his grief to punish myself. Hearing him speak, and with the new knowledge that his daughter's mind was utterly opaque to me, I realised that his mind was not without articulate thoughts, it was merely that I could only grasp the vaguest sense of them. I wasn't sure if she would find it reassuring that she was not the only one whose brain seemed to work a little differently, or whether she would feel defensive on her father's behalf. I didn't want to risk driving her away.

"Bella, firstly you have to understand that what I do, well, it doesn't give me the full picture. I hear what crosses a person's mind as they think it, but only that. Someone could be the nicest person in the world, but if I happened to 'hear' them on a bad day, I wouldn't know that. I only know what I hear. I may have read your father's mind on occasion, but only in a very limited way, under very limited circumstances. Unless I happen to be near him just as he is thinking 'you know, I really hope Bella writes to me and tells me...' whatever, I'm just as in the dark as you are. More so, in fact, since you've known him so much longer."

"I suppose that makes sense," she sighed, but seemed to understand. I was tempted to leave it there, but she had other ideas; "You said there were two reasons you didn't want to do this for me, what was the other one?"

It was my turn to sigh now. I didn't know quite how to proceed. I decided to just go for it.

"Bella, I know that doing this must be terribly hard for you, and it is understandable that you would want guidance. And I'm happy to give you that, but I really think you'll regret it if you let someone else dictate your correspondence with your family. You'll feel better if you tell them the truth..."

She interrupted then, looking incredulous, "The truth? I can't tell them that! Even if they did believe it, there are rules, Alice told me..."

I shook my head, "That isn't what I meant. I know you can't tell them about your, um, circumstances, and I know you're looking for some magic lie you can tell them that will make your disappearance ok, but that isn't what they need, and it isn't what you need. Nothing, short of you coming home as human as the day you left, is going to fix this. Make up whatever you want to explain why you left and where you are now, any one of us will help you with that. What you need to be honest about is the way you feel about them. Tell them you love them. And yes, tell them you're struggling – I know it might feel selfish to heap your worries on them, but it will help them feel like they are still a part of your life if you let them know how you're really feeling."

Bella took a moment to process this, and I worried that I had said too much. I knew how protective she was of her parents, had I overstepped the mark?

"I can't do that Edward," her voice was heavy with determination. I _had_ gone too far. Cursing myself for my stupidity I opened my mouth to recant what I had said, when she continued. "You're right, I should be honest with my parents, as much as I can be anyway. But I can't tell them that I am unhappy, it will break their hearts. Besides..." she trailed off, looking down, and I struggled to read her face without being able to see her eyes. It was torture, not being able to hear her thoughts, and when she hid her face from me this way, it was even worse. My fingers ached to tilt her chin up so that I could see beneath her long lashes.

After an eternity she continued. "Besides... I'm not that unhappy anymore." She lifted her eyes to meet mine now, and seeing her shy smile my chest nearly burst open with joy I could hardly contain. I wasn't sure, but I thought this might have been the first genuine smile I had ever seen on her face.

Not that unhappy... It wasn't much, but it was a start.


	6. Blindsided

EPOV

As time went on and Bella seemed to adjust to our way of life, I began to feel a glimmer of hope that perhaps Alice's vision might come true. Bella had even told me that she was not really unhappy anymore. But as I watched her, day after day, it did not escape my notice that she still didn't seem that happy either. She accompanied the rest of the family in their activities, but showed no preferences of her own, seeming to enjoy one thing as much as another, but taking no particular delight in anything.

Somehow I sensed that, although my family went to great pains to make life as human as possible, Bella would not be reached that way. It was a great relief to the rest of us that we managed to retain some of our humanity, to enjoy human pleasures, but those human pleasures were nothing but painful reminders to someone who had so recently lost their humanity.

I thought back to my earlier surprise that Bella did not seem to enjoy the grace and agility she now possessed, particularly unexpected since she had been rather clumsy as a human, and realised that the only vampire experiences she had had so far were the agonising pain of her change, and the – equally agonising to her – rush of the kill.

She had never gone father from the house than the meadow just outside. Which meant she had never run, leapt, jumped, truly cut loose with her new vampire strength. In fact, with the lengths we went to to maintain the semblance of humanity – even to the extent of turning on the lights at night although we needed no light to see – meant that she had probably never even seen the glorious spectrum of colour that was completely invisible to humans, but which turned the darkness into a deep blend of violet and indigo to vampire eyes.

I sensed that this was the way to reach Bella in her depression. In time she would find, as we all had, that not every human joy was lost to her, but she was not ready for that yet.

I had my plan, now the only problem was the execution: there was a reason Bella had not left the house in all this time, and even with me to accompany her, would the others trust either of us enough to let her go?

In the end, it was surprisingly easy – I could tell that even Rosalie, the most coolly practical of us, was uncomfortable at keeping Bella incarcerated for so long. All it took was my assurance that we would stay close, and confirmation from Alice that nothing would go wrong, and we were free.

Approaching Bella was harder. Though we were making progress towards being comfortable together, and I found myself truly enjoying her company, I still wasn't sure how she would react to my proposition that we leave for a few days. I supposed I could have asked the others to come with us, but I wasn't sure they'd understand what I was trying to achieve. Even if they did, I didn't think they could truly do what I asked – abandon their carefully-constructed humanity entirely for a few days, to allow Bella to immerse herself in her new life.

To tell the truth, I wasn't entirely sure I could manage it either, but I would do everything in my power to. I would have a better chance than anyone else would; Isabella Swan was my life now, and I would do anything for her. Even give in to the instincts I had spent almost a century trying to suppress.

I got my chance to talk to her shortly after the rest of the family had agreed to my request. I got the feeling that Alice had bullied them into hunting with her to give me the chance to talk to Bella alone. I would have to remember to do something nice for her, to thank her for that. In fact, I had a lot to thank her for. If it hadn't been for her, Bella would be...

Yes, I would definitely have to do something nice for Alice.

She had left a note for me pinned to the door -

_We're all out hunting. Emmett wanted big game so we're heading a long way North. As long as you stay in the state, you'll have the woods to yourselves._

_Good luck!_

So everything was set for our trip. Now, all I had to do was get Bella to agree to it.

BPOV

He seemed as nervous as I was at the prospect of spending a night alone with me. Several times he took a breath, seemingly about to speak, but he never did. As the minutes passed in uncomfortable silence I became more and more frustrated by his abortive utterances. Finally, I could stand it no longer.

"Edward, whatever it is you want to say to me, just spit it out." That came out harsher than I intended... oops. He seemed shocked by my outburst, and I rushed to apologise.

"Edward, I'm sorry, that didn't quite come out the way I meant it to. I'm just frustrated sitting here watching you almost speak to me time after time. It's driving me mad."

"I'm sorry if I've been irritating you Bella," he replied, seeming genuinely apologetic, so I smiled encouragingly at him as he continued, "I wanted to ask you something, but I don't know how you'll react."

I looked at him expectantly.

"Bella, please hear me out before you say anything." I nodded, nervous now, as well as curious

"You've been in the house for a while now, and I expect you're feeling restless. I thought maybe you would like to get out for a while."

Boy was he wrong. I had become accustomed to my cosy little prison, and I had no intention of leaving it. It made me nervous just sitting on the porch, or out in the meadow. I had begun to wonder if I was developing agoraphobia. I knew he meant well, but going out was the last thing I wanted. I tried to distract him so I wouldn't have to directly reject his idea.

"Edward, don't be silly! I sat out in the meadow for an hour earlier."

He didn't take the bait.

"That's not what I meant Bella, I wasn't just talking about going outside. Don't you want to get away from the house?"

I tried once again to divert him. "Well, it was hardly my idea to come here in the first place, was it? Don't you think I would have left if I could?" My tone was caustic. His face fell into familiar lines of self loathing, and he turned away sadly. Immediately I regretted my outburst, and leapt to take the bitter words back.

"Edward, wait, please. I didn't mean it like that." He turned back, slowly, and the remorse was etched on his face, as if it had been carved there.

"What other way is there to mean it Bella? You're right. This was all my fault."

His tone was bitter, but I sensed that the bitterness was directed at himself, not at me. I decided to tell him why I had really snapped at him. I acknowledged that it was ridiculous for me to feel guilty over making him feel bad for what he had done to me, but I had always taken responsibility for everything around me. Apparently some habits never changed, no matter how much I did.

I sighed. This meant I would probably have to go along with his plan, and I felt a quiver of fear at the thought of actually leaving the house, but I figured whatever he had in store for me couldn't be worse than the alternative – both of us stewing in our own spiralling guilt until the others came home to snap us out of it.

"Edward, I truly didn't mean what I said. I was just trying to get you to stop this idea of making me go out. To be honest, the thought of leaving makes me nervous. This has been my home for two months now. My human memories are so fuzzy and dim, sometimes it seems like this house is all I have ever known. But you're right, it isn't healthy for me to stay locked up here."

"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't realise how hard this would be for you. If you want to wait...?"

I did... Oh how I wanted to wait. But it would only get worse the longer I left it. It was time to bite the bullet.

"No Edward, I want to go. What did you have in mind?"

He hesitated infinitesimally before replying. "Well, obviously anywhere with humans is a bad idea. So... I thought maybe we could go to the woods."

"Edward, no!" I could tell that the expression on my face would be a mix of shock, terror and rage, but I couldn't marshal the strength to control my features. How dare he?

I felt an odd prickling in my eyes; they were trying to produce tears, but no longer knew how. _I thought he understood... _I knew that everyone wanted me to learn to hunt, if not now then at least when we had moved away from Forks, but I had thought that at least Edward understood why I refused. I turned away, not wanting him to see the hurt on my face, but he caught my arm and spun me back to face him.

"Bella, wait. What's wrong?" he looked shocked and confused.

"How could you even suggest that I," I struggled to choke the hateful word out "... hunt?"

He seemed even more shocked now, "Bella, I didn't... I wouldn't. How could you even think that I would do that to you?" he seemed offended that I would consider him so insensitive.

Then I realised my error. When he had mentioned the forest... well, the only time anyone in the family went there, it was to hunt. I had jumped to conclusions. I explained my error to him and he seemed to accept it.

He told me his plan, to take me out to where I had the range to really cut loose and appreciate my new strength. Through my nerves the idea intrigued me, and I hesitantly agreed.

Once everything was arranged, we both seemed oddly impatient. I sped upstairs to change into more appropriate clothes, taking a moment to note how satisfying it was to move so quickly. I had barely decided to go upstairs before I was there, a fluid progression of thought to action. Maybe Edward was onto something.

He was waiting for me when I got downstairs. He had changed too, but not having to wade through the yards of silk and chiffon Alice kept optimistically adding to my wardrobe, he had managed it faster than me.

He stepped outside, and turned back to offer his hand to me. Though I had, in fact, walked through this door many times to sit on the porch outside, it was harder now. The door was not just a door, it was a symbol.

I took an unnecessary breath, and then hand in hand, Edward and I stepped out into the moonlight.

***********

Edward was right. It was surprisingly peaceful to just run, the trees whipping by at an astonishing rate, the forest painted in entrancing velvet tones. It was easy here to ignore the higher part of my mind, to forget all my worries and lose myself in the power and strength of my body. At first I had hesitated to let go, worried that I might lose control of my vampire instincts if I crossed an animal's scent (though Edward assured me that we had no fear of running into humans, at least), but when I eventually did detect the smell of a herd of elk to the north of us it was astonishingly easy to ignore. There was nothing appetising about the woody, earthy scent, and even the sound of their rapid heartbeats did not attract me.

I relaxed then, marvelling at the ease and grace of my new body. I ran fluidly, occasionally leaping just for the pure joy of it. I wondered briefly why only Edward was with me. Surely it would be safer with the whole family to keep an eye on me?

I found that I was grateful that it was only Edward who accompanied me. I wasn't sure that I could have relaxed this way with anyone else. Just as Edward was the only one I felt I could confide my deepest thoughts to, he was also the only one I could stand to see me so free. Edward understood me. Edward had no expectations of me, and made no demands.

He had been pacing along at my side, close enough for company, but not crowding me. He waved to catch my attention, and gestured that we should turn around. My spirits fell at the thought of ending our trip so soon, and it must have shown on my face – I was so at-ease that I had relaxed my mental censors; my face and body responded instantly to my every thought – but Edward rushed to reassure me that we did not have to go home, just yet.

"We really ought to stay in this state though, Bella." his tone was amused, and a crooked grin lit his face. I smiled in response, surprised at how natural it felt to do so.

We turned and ran another way, not returning home, simply adjusting our direction to stay within the boundary that Edward indicated. We carried on for hours like this, and I kept waiting to tire, waiting for the burn to slow my limbs, waiting for my body to become heavy, but it never did. I realised that I could run this way forever without rest, and laughed in surprised delight. Edward turned to face me, his expression quizzical.

"I could do this forever," I explained, and the words took on a new, but equally valid, meaning as I spoke them. I really _could_ do this forever; it wasn't just that I wouldn't tire physically, but this running was such a relief, such a release. I never wanted to stop, I just wanted to keep running like this forever, with Edward at my side.

That familiar smile crossed his face again, settling there now. He seemed a different man out here in the woods. I supposed that I must seem different too. He was so beautiful, so perfect. I had never seen him look so carefree. For the first time I remembered that despite his eighty-odd years of immortality, at heart he was not much older than me. He had never seemed so young, so innocent.

I felt a sudden urge to lean across and taste his perfect lips. In my heightened state, my body responded instantly to my half-formed thought, and before I had even decided to approach him, I was pressed up against him, fists clenched in his hair, pulling his face to mine hungrily. For an instant he responded with pure, raw passion, kissing me fervently, his tongue demanding as I parted my lips to allow him entry. His arms wrapped around my waist and he crushed me to him.

Then just as quickly it was over as he pushed me away. Irritation added heat to my desire and I pulled him back to me, holding him in an unbreakable grip. I kissed his unresponsive lips, then, frustrated at his lack of reaction I dropped my head to his neck, nibbling at his exquisite skin, careful not to break it with my razor sharp teeth. I was lost in the moment, not thinking, aware only of my burning need for him.

"Please Bella, stop." his whispered words were all it took to bring me crashing back to myself. Rejection cooled my passion like a flood of ice water and I was instantly disgusted and ashamed at myself. Ridiculous to think Edward could want me that way. Ridiculous, really, for me to want him. But apparently I did.

All my joy at our trip was suddenly gone, and I felt nothing but a desperate need to be back in my safe little room. I turned and fled, effortlessly following our path through the woods and back home, though the run gave me no satisfaction now. I locked my door behind me – though it was nothing more than a symbol, since any of us could break the door down without a second thought - and for the first time in weeks, the first time since Edward had returned home, I broke down into tearless choking sobs.

EPOV

My plan had worked out even better than I expected. For hours we ran through the woods, stopping only when we needed to change direction to remain within the state, as Alice had suggested.

Once she had even smiled at me, her face lighting up, warming my skin like the sun. I kept pace with her easily, content to stay at her side and watch her run, stunned by the beauty of her effortless stride. Then, for no apparent reason, she laughed, loud and carefree. It was a beautiful sound, one I had never heard before. I turned to her with a question on my face.

"I could do this forever," she sighed contentedly, and I could not keep my joy from showing on my face. I had done it, she was happy. Silently I agreed with her, _so could I, my Bella. _The possessive tone of my thoughts surprised me, but I had no time to consider the implications of my mental slip. Suddenly Bella threw herself at me, pressing her lips to mine with a burning need.

I was too shocked to react, but my body responded of its own accord, my tongue meeting hers through our parted lips, my arms lifting from my sides to encircle her waist. It was heaven to stand there with her lean, hard body pressed against mine, but I forced myself to think rationally.

She doesn't want _me. _Of course she doesn't. She couldn't. I had chosen the area for our trip carefully, ensuring that it was free of even the faintest scent of human. I had accounted for her newborn thirst. But there was another hunger, one I had not even thought to consider, and I was amazed that it had surfaced so soon into her new life.

Lust. Mindless, directionless lust. That was all this was. It was nothing to do with me. She would have reacted the same way whoever had been with her. And as much as I longed to return her advances, I knew that to do so would be to take advantage of her vulnerable state. As soon as she returned to her senses, she would hate me if I allowed this to go any further.

Reluctantly I pushed her away, but that only seemed to reinforce her need. She kissed me again, and finding no reciprocation in me, she bent to kiss my neck. Once again I forced down the desire to give in. She was too strong for me to hold her off physically, but I hoped that I could reach her with my voice.

"Please Bella, stop." it was little more than a whisper, not the firm instruction I had intended. My inner conflict was obvious in my voice.

But either she didn't hear it, or, more likely, the sound of my voice was enough to make her realise that it was me, her hated enemy, that she was kissing. She pulled away from me with disgust on her face. It was no more than I had expected, but it hurt none the less to see her so revolted at finding herself holding me.

Wordlessly she turned and ran. I called to her, but she didn't seem to hear me. I sat down amongst the leaves and twigs, my head spinning. Everything had been going so well. How had I allowed things to get so out of hand? I knew for sure that she would truly despise me now.

I sat there until sunrise, when Alice found me.

APOV

So it seems that, when it comes to Edward and Bella, not even precognition is enough to prevent a never ending string of disasters.

When the vision of them changed, the rest of us were already halfway to Canada. The game in our immediate area was starting to become depleted, so we had decided to go farther afield. After all, I had smugly informed everyone that nothing could possibly go wrong tonight if we left Edward and Bella alone.

Famous last words.

I was watching in amusement as Emmett hunted a large bear. It was late in the season, and he was complaining that they were no longer as feisty as he liked them – though I was fairly sure a lot of his complaints were more for comedy value than anything else, since even the best-tempered grizzly is hardly placid.

And then all of a sudden Emmett disappeared behind the fog of my vision, and my mind was with Bella. The future had changed fast enough to give me whiplash, and I could no longer see what I had been seeing for days now, the vision I had used to justify our extended hunting trip.

Instead of a future in which Edward and Bella were finally forced to admit to their burgeoning feelings for each other, I now saw Bella alone, sobbing broken-heartedly in her room – a sound I had not missed hearing when Edward's return had given her an alternative outlet for her grief.

Initially I had felt a slight twinge of jealousy that Bella would tell Edward things she would never reveal to me. I was remarkably possessive of my new sister, begrudging even Jasper's rare moments alone with her, but I had fixed my gaze firmly on the future her blossoming friendship with Edward would lead to, and squashed my resentment, contenting myself with the fact that at least Bella always came to _me_ when she wanted fun.

But the vision of Bella crying, alone in her room again, as if the last month had never happened, made me wish that I hadn't fostered her dependency on him. It almost made me wish he had never come home in the first place.

I was aware that when it came to Bella I was almost maternally protective; quick to take her side in everything, no matter how irrational it was. But Edward was my brother, so I knew I should at least find out what had triggered Bella's troubling regression before blaming him. Maybe it wasn't his fault.

I traced the vision back, trying to locate the moment, the decision, which had altered it so drastically.

Well... so much for giving Edward a chance. Just as I had assumed, it was all his fault. I couldn't fathom what could possibly have possessed him to reject the one thing which Jasper assured me he wanted above all else.

Maybe I had an inkling though. We were all used to Edward's habit of being too hard on himself. We had come to expect the self-recrimination, and endless philosophising on the spiritual agonies of being a soulless monster. We tried not to be offended by the implications his vampire-hatred had for his opinions of the rest of us because we knew that his loathing was directed entirely at himself. We had learnt to ignore his inability to just enjoy himself without believing deep down that he was a hateful creature who deserved no happiness. It was tiresome, but we were used to it.

Bella, however, didn't know Edward nearly as well as the rest of us did. Couldn't he see that someone as insecure as Bella would interpret his actions as a rejection, rather than a misguidedly chivalric defence of her honour? Wasn't he tired of hurting her yet? As if what he had already done wasn't bad enough, he just had to come blundering in with his ridiculously blinkered and outdated morality and tear her apart again just as she was beginning to build a life for herself with us. With me.

The idiot!

I knew Bella would forgive him all too quickly, in fact with her frightening lack of self esteem she probably didn't even think he had done anything wrong. But _I _ wouldn't let him get away with this so easily.

I know that I have a habit of sitting on the fence in arguments, using my visions to manipulate the future into an outcome which meets everyone's needs. I had done this when Edward came home, trying to balance both his future and Bella's.

Well screw balance. Edward had messed up one time too many, and now he was on his own. Bella was my priority.


	7. Taking Sides

EPOV

_Do you have any idea what you have done Edward?_

_All the progress she's made, we've made, you just had to throw it all away._

_She's so fragile, she might _never_ come back from this._

_When are you going to stop hurting her?_

_You should never have come back. I was handling things, like I always do. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes._

_Leave. Just leave. And if you don't, we will, me, Jasper and Bella. They are my family now, not you. _

Before I even saw her, Alice's thoughts were beating on my consciousness, thick with vitriol.

I was used to hearing this level of harshness in Rosalie's thoughts, but never from Alice. I knew I deserved it, but still, the shock of hearing such hatred triggered my defensive instincts. I leapt to my feet and faced her, opening my mouth to argue, when both of us were gripped by the vision that flashed into her mind

_Bella running through the woods. The front door open in the breeze. A farewell note on the dining room table. Bella on her knees in a warehouse, sobbing over a lifeless, bloodless human body on the ground in front of her. Bella walking down an anonymous street in the midday sun, oblivious to the stares of the humans around her. The Volturi coming to punish her for her infraction, Bella with a peaceful smile on her face, being torn apart by the guard._

"No," I said, and as one we turned and ran back to the house, hoping beyond hope that we could catch Bella before she left.But even as we ran, I couldn't escape the ceaseless agony of Alice's thoughts.

_All your fault. You should never have come home. _

I wanted to argue with her, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I had been so sure that my dedication to Bella's well-being surpassed that of anyone else, even Alice, but was I wrong?

I had thought, out in the woods, that I had done the right thing. Surely Bella would not thank me for taking advantage of her momentary weakness. I knew how overwhelming and indiscriminate newborn passions could be – to my mind, giving in to her advances would have been nothing more than rape.

But Alice's thoughts put a different spin on things. What if Bella had been reaching out to me? What if it had been more important, in that moment, that she connect with someone, anyone, than that she retain her virtue? Had I been protecting her from herself, or simply imposing my own values and prejudices on her? I mean, really, how improper is a kiss, in this day and age at least?

Suddenly the course of actions I had been so sanguine about seemed ridiculously short-sighted and selfish. I had vowed to give Bella anything I could, and then forgotten that vow the second I didn't approve of what she wanted. Of course it had hurt me, having Bella in my arms, closer to her than I ever hoped we could get, knowing her passion had nothing to do with me, but what was my pain compared to the pain I had unwittingly caused her?

I cursed my stupidity and ran faster, putting all I had into my stride. I had left Alice behind some time ago, but it was more important that I find Bella than that I wait for Alice to catch up.

When I reached the house, the door was standing open. The sight, identical to the one I had seen in Alice's vision, sent chills down my spine. _What if I was too late?_But thankfully I found Bella in the dining room. I saw instantly the note in her hand, which she clasped to her chest with a guilty start when she saw me. I realised that I had only just made it; a minute more and she would have been gone.

After a second her face went blank and she turned away from me. I drew breath to speak, but she cut me off,

"Don't, Edward. Just don't." her voice was flat, dead. I cursed myself again, _how had I not known what this would do to her?_

"Bella, I..."

"I said don't!" her voice was not flat anymore, it was a piercing, agonised shriek. I had been worrying about what to say, unable to find the words to express how truly sorry I was, but it turns out I needn't have worried, since it seemed she wasn't going to listen to a word I had to say. I reached out an arm to touch her, comfort her, but she pulled away.

"Don't you dare touch me."

I stood helplessly, arm still outstretched, as she turned towards the stairs, obviously heading back to her room. I had foiled her escape attempt, and that was what I wanted, right? So why did I feel even worse now, why did I feel like I was imprisoning her all over again?

Alice arrived then, glancing around anxiously, looking for Bella.

"She's upstairs. I stopped her from leaving."

She shot me a venomous look and flew up the stairs. I was paralysed by indecision, wanting nothing more than to take Bella in my arms and tell her that everything would be ok, but too ashamed to face her.

I was stunned by depths of my feelings for her. It was as if her kiss had been a catalyst, and suddenly all the intangible, indescribable feelings I had for her had solidified, become identifiable. I had a name for them now. _Love. _

And not the warm, familial love I had been expecting. This was raw, burning, it consumed me. I thought back to my initial response to her in the forest, how natural it had felt to take her in my arms. I had called it instinct, but I knew better. I had been kissed before, and I had felt nothing like that intoxication.

I allowed myself to imagine, for a second, that I had not been so accursedly dense, that I had responded to Bella the way she deserved. I felt ghostly flickers of sensation across my skin, remembering each point where our bodies had made contact. Then I snapped back to reality with a despairing moan. _What have I done?_

And more importantly, what could I possibly do to put it right? Was Alice right? Should I leave again? I didn't know if I could bear leaving her, even if it was for her own good. But surely... she had wanted me once, and even if I had ruined the moment in the most spectacularly thoughtless way, that doesn't change the fact that she had wanted me. Couldn't she want me again?

Of course not. How could I be so stupid? Of course it wasn't me she craved at all, it was just company, physical comfort to break through her loneliness. Alice was right, I was doing no good here. Bella was no better now than she had been when I had first come home. If anything I had made things worse.

In my orgy of self-recrimination I hadn't been listening to Alice's thoughts, but a sudden change in them caught my attention.

_It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. _

She was reciting Pride and Prejudice, which could only mean she had something to hide from me. I wished desperately that I had been paying more attention, that I had heard the thoughts which had preceded this.

Now that I had roused enough to pay attention to what I could hear of Alice's thoughts, I noticed something else about them. They were faint... very faint...

I leapt up and sprinted upstairs, searching vainly from room to room, trying to find Bella or Alice. Neither of them were there, but in Alice's room the window stood wide open, curtains billowing in the breeze.

Mindless panic consumed my thoughts then. I nearly didn't notice the note which Alice had left me, but when I picked it up I could almost feel acid dripping from the page and burning into my flesh.

_Don't worry your pretty little head over leaving. I looked, and even if you had manned up and done the right thing, you wouldn't have lasted long. The last thing Bella needs is you turning up on her doorstep begging for forgiveness you don't deserve. _

_Don't even bother trying to find us._

Alice's possessiveness of Bella irritated me now. Regardless of the events of this evening, I _had_ been helping. Bella _had _ been opening up to me, she _had_ been getting better. _I_ had done that, not Alice. Bella wouldn't talk to Alice the way she talked to me.

And she was wrong about what Bella needed as well. I had seen just how powerful Bella's need for physical contact, for sheer animal comfort, was, and the last thing she needed was to be holed up somewhere with a pair of lovebirds like Alice and Jasper.

I knew it would cause me nothing but agony to be with Bella that way, to give her that comfort, knowing that my love for her was not and would never be reciprocated. But my pain was unimportant. If that was what Bella needed, then that was what she would have, and I was the only one to give it to her.

Now I just had to find her.

BPOV

_How could I have been so stupid? _I had been so sure that it was safe to let my guard down, so confident that Edward understood me, accepted me. But of course, even his monumental tolerance of me had its limits.

I felt sick with shame and humiliation. Even greater was my immense shock at what I had done. I had been completely blind-sided by feelings, urges, I had not known I felt. Of course, I knew I cared for Edward; after all he had done for me (and in spite of what he had done to me), I couldn't help but feel affection for him.

And only a blind person could ignore the stunning beauty of his features. But somehow, until that moment in the forest, I had not managed to put two and two together and realise that my affection for him was more than that, it was love.

Not that realising it now did me any good. If I wanted to know if he cared for me in return, all I had to do was remember the way he had pushed me away, the way he had begged me to stop touching him.

_Oh God... how could I possibly bear to see him again, after that? Knowing what I do now?_

In a flash my decision was made, because I _couldn't_ bear it. I couldn't possibly survive the pain of seeing him again. I didn't know which would be worse, if he hated me now, or if he tried to be kind to me. Either way, I wasn't sticking around to find out.

It had been so easy to ignore all the animal scents I had crossed today, surely the smell of humans couldn't be that much worse? Blood was blood after all. I knew that the Cullens had told me how incredibly tempting the scent was, but then, they enjoyed animal blood. Maybe I was just different.

No matter what, I would rather take my chances alone than stay here for one more second. If I stuck to unpopulated forest, how wrong could things go?

I sprinted downstairs and opened the front door, but just as I was about to leave a twinge of guilt nagged at me. Alice and the others had done so much for me, I knew it would hurt them if I just disappeared. I ran to the dining room and hastily scrawled a note to them, apologising for leaving, and begging them not to try to follow me. The irony did not escape me that the note I had written sounded remarkably like a note Alice had left on another dining table, months ago now.

I had barely finished writing when Edward burst through the open door. I clutched the note guiltily to my chest, suddenly doubting that I did in fact have the right to leave if I wished. They had been keeping me here for a reason, after all. Did I have the right to risk people's lives just because I was ashamed of myself?

Bad enough that he had rejected me, I decided that I could not bear to show him just how much it had really hurt. I forced my face into a mask of blankness and looked away from him. Even the sight of him hurt my aching heart. I heard him draw breath to speak, and knew that whatever he had to say to me now would only make the pain worse, and would probably make it impossible for me to hold my emotions in check.

I was too proud to let that happen. I vowed that he would never, ever, see that I loved him. Never would he know just exactly how much agony I was in.

"Don't, Edward. Just don't." I was pleased that my voice remained neutral, leaking no hint of my inner anguish.

He tried to speak again, and the pain was too much for me. I couldn't make my voice work straight away and he managed to start talking before I could cut him off.

"Bella, I..." I didn't want to hear it. There was nothing he could say to me, or at least, nothing he _would_ say to me, that I wanted to hear. In this moment I wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

"I said don't!" this time my voice cracked, I was half shrieking with panic. I couldn't let him finish what he was saying to me. My control was slipping, I had to leave before it abandoned me altogether.

He raised an arm to touch me, and my inner conflict tore at me. I wanted nothing more than to feel the silky softness of his skin again, but I knew that if I let him touch me now, let him comfort me, I would only be making things worse for myself when I finally accepted the truth.

Once again my control failed, and my voice startled even me with its harshness and panic.

"Don't you dare touch me!" With that, my strength was at an end. I could feel the sobs threatening to overwhelm me, shaking me with their force. I turned and fled to the safety of my room.

In less than a minute Alice found me there. She opened the door without even knocking, and I was shocked. No one ever came in here. Ever.

I was too broken-hearted to object though, and when she knelt to put her arms around me I leant gratefully into her comforting embrace, allowing her strong arms to hold me together when I thought the agony would rip me apart.

After a few minutes, she pulled back to look me in the eyes. Her expression was furious, and I shied away, afraid that she had somehow realised what I had done.

"I saw what he did to you Bella." her voice was grave, and I braced myself for her next words, fully expecting her to demand that I leave now and stop causing her family so many problems. It was strange, I had been so determined to leave only minutes ago, but the thought of actually hearing her send me away chilled me to the bone. I wasn't sure I could handle another rejection.

"Don't worry Alice, I'll leave. I won't mess your lives up anymore." If I spoke first, surely she wouldn't feel the need to say the words I so desperately longed not to hear. But what she said surprised me.

"Don't you dare leave me Bella. None of this is your fault. Not one single damned moment. Stop blaming yourself because Edward caused this, all of it."

"N... No," I spluttered in shock. That was the last thing I had expected to hear. Surely Alice wouldn't side with me against the brother she had known for decades? "It wasn't his fault. It was me, all me. I should never have... Oh God!" I broke off with a wail as my words brought the image of Edward's horrified face back to me.

"You should never have what Bella?" her tone was harsh now, and I braced myself once more for her recriminations. "Should never have been born? Should never have been selfless enough to move here for the sake of your mother's happiness? Or maybe you should never have allowed yourself to have such tempting blood, because Lord knows that was obviously under your control. Perhaps you should never have been forgiving enough to let Edward into your house after he hurt you so badly that first day. Certainly you should never have let Edward back into _this_ house. And above all, you should never have been so frustratingly, maddeningly, wholeheartedly good as to not only forgive my accursed brother for every single time he has wronged you, but to love him as well, to give your heart to him, to give him everything he has needed for almost a century, in spite of all the risks to your own fragile happiness. Yes, obviously this whole mess is your fault."

As she spoke, her words increasing in pitch and speed as she became more and more worked up, it gradually sank in that it was not Edward she was defending, but me.

But the shock of that was nothing compared to the shock of hearing her say that I had given Edward what he needed. Could Edward really love me too?

Then I remembered his words, "_Please Bella, stop_." Of course he didn't love me, and I couldn't allow myself to believe what Alice said for even a second, it would hurt too much when reality came back to me. Maybe it was true that Edward needed _someone_, it had to be difficult for him to be the only one in the family that was alone, but evidently that someone wasn't me. It wasn't surprising really, he was perfect, and I was... not.

I realised Alice was still speaking, oblivious to my distraction.

"Well I've had enough. I was foolish to let this go so far, to risk so much. And even now the idiot won't just back off and let you be. There's nothing else for it. We're leaving Bella, you, me, and Jasper. We'll go somewhere far away and Edward will never be able to hurt you again. I promise. But we'll have to be quick, or Edward will realise what we're doing. The fact that he isn't in here already trying to stop us means he isn't paying much attention to what I'm thinking. If we leave now, we should make it. Follow me, as quietly as you can, and don't distract me. I'm going to have to concentrate so that Edward doesn't hear where we're going. Thank God he can't hear your thoughts at least"

Stunned, I stood to follow her as she ran to her room, grabbed a small black backpack, and then opened the window and jumped out. I knew that I should stop her, I had no right to break up her family this way, but I needed to get away from Edward, and it seemed that Alice would help me. I knew I would feel guilty later for my selfishness, but for now, I simply ran, a shadow at her side. Pain stabbed me again as our flight reminded me of my earlier journey with Edward, before I had ruined everything.

APOV

As soon as I was fairly sure we were out of Edward's range, I decided to ring Jasper (hastily checking that my decision wouldn't change Edward's likelihood of finding us – it didn't)

I had asked him to stay with the others so that he could explain to my family what had happened – as soon as I was far enough away that they couldn't stop me. I felt bad for the pain I knew I would cause them, especially Esme, who had only had her family back together for such a short time, but they were all powerful, experienced vampires, and they had each other. They could take care of themselves.

That terrifying vision I had of Bella dying proved to me that she couldn't. Letting Edward back into her life had been a dangerous gamble. The potential gains were immense, but so were the potential losses, and for once I had bet the wrong way.

There was nothing I could do to fix what had happened, but at the very least I could learn from my mistakes. There would be no more gambling with Bella's happiness.

Beneath my fury I felt the faint prodding of a guilt that I knew would trouble me greatly once my anger had abated. Edward _was_ my brother, and I had been incredibly cruel to him. And really, my venom had been undeserved. Edward had messed things up, but I knew better than anyone that he would never hurt Bella on purpose. Her pain just made me so irrational. I suppose that now I knew how Esme felt about us, because in a very real way I protected Bella as if she were my child.

Still, I had made my decision, and it would be unfair on everyone to go back on it now. Perhaps in time, when Bella was stronger, we would find the Cullens again, be a family again. I really, truly wanted that to be possible. But I wouldn't expose her to Edward's erratic behaviour until I was sure it could not hurt her.

I asked Jasper to meet us somewhere I knew that only he and I could find, even if Edward somehow found out where he had gone – the place where we first met. The tug of nostalgia had prompted us to return there several times over the decades, but always alone. It felt strange to be bringing Bella with me. Strange, but not wrong.

From there we drove to a tiny cabin in Alaska that we sometimes retreated to when we needed space from the family. It was another place that no other Cullen had ever visited. A place I knew that there was no chance of Edward finding.

Well... practically no chance. Less than ten percent. Probably.

It was the best I could do for Bella, and I hoped it would be enough.

EPOV

When everyone got home – everyone notably not including Alice, Jasper or Bella, - I had a whole new set of reasons to be guilty.

Esme was heartbroken. In one fell swoop I had driven away half of her family, and I felt awful about it. I had never seen Carlisle so lacking in his usual calm and pragmatic manner – Esme's pain seemed to affect him nearly as much as Bella's had destroyed me.

In typical form, Rosalie lashed out at everyone, especially me, but I could see in her thoughts that she was hurting just as badly as the rest of us, she just dealt with it in a different way.

Emmett's behaviour surprised me most of all. He had always seemed the simplest, the shallowest, the most placid of us. He was our friendly giant. But he had hidden depths, and he loved his new 'little sister' with an almost frightening devotion. He was torn between ripping me to shreds for hurting her, and doing everything he could to help me in my mission to bring her home.

In the first few dreadful days after Bella's disappearance, we drifted around the house like ghosts, rarely speaking. I had followed Alice's scent as far as the river, and then I had lost it. Though I followed the bank for miles in each direction, I could find no trace of them.

I was out of ideas. I had no idea how to find Bella, and the memory of her face, the last time I had seen her, the way she had shied away from me as if my touch could burn her, it ate away at me. Every time I closed my eyes the memories were there. I resorted to begging, leaving increasingly agonised messages on both Alice and Jasper's phones. Of course, that was all I could do, since they never answered my calls. I wished that Bella had a phone of her own, I so wanted to speak to her directly. I suspected that neither Alice nor Jasper were even listening to the messages I left, let alone informing Bella of their contents.

I was so certain that if I could just speak to her, if I could just explain what had had been running through my mind when I had made the biggest mistake of my life, then somehow everything would be ok.

But all that was irrelevant if I couldn't actually find her. There was one last thing I could try, and I knew it was a long shot, but I didn't know what else to do. I searched back through every thought I had ever picked from Alice or Jasper's mind, praying that Alice had chosen to take Bella to somewhere she had been before. I knew there was no chance she'd take Bella anywhere I'd ever been, but maybe it was somewhere that wasn't new to her.

With that in mind I focused especially on thoughts I had heard upon Alice and Jasper's returns from their occasional vacations together. From agonisingly vague snippets I began slowly to piece together the one place I had the slightest hope of finding them. I became surer of my course when I realised that they had been to the same place during every single one of their vacations. Surely this was the place. Please let this be the place.


	8. Beseiged

JPOV

"Jasper... We need to hunt. Now." Alice's head shot up in alarm, and I felt twin stabs of panic from both her and Bella, though for very different reasons. Bella because she hated to be left alone, and Alice because... well there was only one thing that would produce such a reaction in her these days. Edward.

"But... you only went yesterday!" Bella was almost wailing with fright, and it tore at my heart to see her that way. Her emotions nagged at me accusingly – shock, betrayal, fear, rejection.

They hurt me doubly since these were the first things I had felt from her all day. Her emotions had become weaker and weaker the longer we stayed here, and I was terrified that she was just shutting down, worried that with the best of intentions Alice's stubborn adherence to her plan was only making things worse. I had tried to talk to her about it but she refused to listen, and the last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge between us. I knew that, in spite of all our years together, all our love, she would not hesitate to leave me behind as well if she thought I was a risk to Bella's happiness. She was like a lioness with her cub, beautiful and proud, and in any other situation seeing her care so passionately for someone would only make me love her more... but...

If Bella was Alice's daughter, then she was my daughter too, and I couldn't deny that she stirred paternal feelings I thought I would never experience. Just like Alice, I would do anything for her, but sadly we had different ideas of what would make Bella happy.

Alice seemed completely blind to Bella's increasing unresponsiveness, but I could not escape it. Her emotionless state was painfully obvious to me; she was empty inside. Sometimes I felt myself sinking into the black void that Bella carried around with her. I had avoided confronting Alice, but I knew that sooner or later I would have to tell her that I didn't agree with what she was doing, and it would probably be sooner. Bella couldn't last much longer like this, and neither could I.

I was worried about Edward as well. It had taken him over a month, but he had eventually found us. For weeks now he had been trying to get past Alice's guard to get to Bella, and his attempts were becoming increasingly frequent. Every time he tried, though, Alice would see what he was going to do and drag me out with her to head him off, telling Bella only that we were going to 'hunt'. Edward's determination had given way to desperation, and was edging worryingly into despair as all his efforts failed to bring him any closer to Bella.

My life now was unpleasantly reminiscent of the military life I thought I had left behind. It was gruelling, facing another battle almost daily, and against my own brother no less. It was like being under siege. Though our confrontations never escalated into outright violence, the hostility between my brother and my mate hurt me.

All of this I could have borne, I think, if I had believed as Alice did that what we were doing was helping Bella. But not only were we not helping, it was becoming more and more obvious that we were making things worse. As if Edward's rejection hadn't hurt her enough, I knew she anticipated that we would leave her as well, and who could blame her?

Bella wasn't stupid. She knew there was no conceivable reason for us to hunt so often. It didn't take a genius to figure out her interpretation of our frequent absences; she was certain that we were getting tired of her, and every time we left I could see that she didn't expect us to return.

Alice was my world, and I loved her with all of my heart, but I couldn't keep doing this even for her. It hurt me, and Bella, and Edward, and I knew that when Alice realised the damage she had done to us all, it would hurt her too.

And not only that, but I simply didn't believe anymore that keeping Edward away from Bella was the right thing to do. Unlike Alice, I actually listened to the messages he left on my phone before deleting them.

I had known for a long time that Edward loved Bella as much as I love Alice, and that Bella loved him too. It was a difficult change in anyone's life, to find that where you thought you had been a whole, complete being, you were actually nothing but an empty shell waiting for this one person to complete you. It was harder still as a vampire – we lived such unchanging lives that anything new was difficult to us. I could not imagine how much harder it was for Edward and Bella to accept their feelings, feelings so utterly inappropriate to the circumstances under which they had met. I couldn't help but empathise with their difficulties.

I knew that all of their misunderstandings stemmed from a refusal to acknowledge their feelings for each other, and I agreed that it had been a mistake to allow them to grow so close before they understood their love, but Edward's messages told me that he knew his feelings now, so that threat was gone. And honestly, when I tried to imagine being separated from Alice, the way that we had separated him from Bella, I couldn't comprehend the overwhelming agony that thought caused me.

I had faced this same dilemma every time Alice had asked me to help her drive Edward away, but I had always given in to her wishes, fearing the emotional backlash of confronting her. But Bella's panic told me that this couldn't go on any longer.

"No Alice," I fought to keep my voice clear and confident, squashing the urge to mumble, "I'm not coming with you this time."

APOV

_What does he mean he's not coming with me? Edward is on his way, he'll be here any minute! I can't get rid of him without Jasper's help._

"Jasper, we really need to go. Right now. If there's something else you want to do, or something you need to talk to me about, fine, but it will have to wait till later."

"No, Alice. I love you, but I won't do this anymore. We have no right."

I was practically boiling with fury. Didn't he see that this was the only way to protect Bella? I could not, would not, let my idiot of an ex-brother hurt her again. And since when do you need special rights to take care of your family?

I was torn. I needed to leave now, to intercept Edward. As it was, it would be difficult to stop him without Jasper's help. But I had no idea what Jasper would do if I left him alone with Bella. Would he tell her Edward was here? I couldn't let Bella find out, she was too damn self sacrificing, she would probably go running back to him with no thought of what he might do to hurt her next.

There was only one option left.

"Bella, I need you to come with me, right now." I held out my hand to her, doing my best to paste a friendly smile on my face. She looked terrified.

"Alice, I... I don't... hunt." Her voice was anguished, and my heart tore. Her eyes were jet black, and had been for some days now, but unlike everyone else, _I_ understood her needs. I had told her that she could wait as long as she wanted before feeding again. I could only imagine how much it must hurt her to have the only person she trusted to understand ask this of her. How stupid of me not to clarify what I meant before she could even think such a painful thought.

"Bella, my love, don't worry. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. Let's just go for a run, I'm getting stir crazy in here."

"I... I don't know." I didn't have the time to persuade her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the cabin with me, promising that I would make up for my hastiness later. Besides, she had enjoyed her run with Edward, before he had screwed everything up, so when she got into her stride, she would enjoy running with me as well.

I truly hated Edward for ruining her first good experience as a vampire, for taking away her only joy. Ever since we had come to the cabin I had tried to draw her out, tried to give that joy back to her, but she refused to go out. It hurt me to see her so withdrawn, but I hadn't wanted to push her. Who knows, maybe this impromptu outing would do her good. I hadn't wanted to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, but I was beginning to realise that Edward had scarred her too badly for her to willingly take a risk again. Maybe this was the only way to get her to open up.

Well, even if she hated it, it was better than sitting around waiting for Edward to find her. There was nothing in these woods that could hurt her a fraction as badly as Edward could, not even her own mind.

After a while she stopped tugging back on my arm and fell into pace beside me. I let go of her hand, confident that she would follow me, and buried myself in my visions, ensuring that Edward couldn't surprise us.

BPOV

That's it. They're leaving. They're really leaving me.

To give them credit, they couldn't have found a better place to abandon me. A cabin, in the middle of woods teeming with wildlife, miles from any trace of humans. If there was anywhere that I could wait out my endless immortality without hurting anyone, it would be here.

But the merest thought of being left so utterly alone terrified me. I began hyperventilating, unable to stop gasping for air I didn't even need. I even managed to persuade myself that I was getting dizzy from oxygen deprivation, which was ridiculous. Maybe I was just dizzy with panic.

I had promised myself that when the moment came, I would not try to stop them. I had separated them from their family for too long already. For weeks I had been trying to close myself off from them, trying to persuade myself that I didn't love them, didn't need them, wouldn't miss them. It hadn't worked though.

In spite of my promise to let them go, I couldn't help the words that slipped out when Alice suggested yet another implausible hunting trip.

"But... you only went yesterday!"

If I could have blushed with shame, I would have. I couldn't let them know how badly this was affecting me. They had done so much for me, so much more than I deserved, I refused to make them feel guilty for getting on with their lives.

Thankfully neither of them seemed to notice my outburst. There was a heavy pause, until eventually Jasper's unusually grave voice broke the silence.

"No Alice, I'm not coming with you this time."

I could kill myself for the pain in his voice – except of course that was impossible – knowing that I had broken my vow and made him feel guilty for leaving me. I knew I should speak up, give them my blessing to leave, but I couldn't trust myself not to say the wrong thing or betray my pain.

Alice seemed as shocked by his decision as I was. Who could blame her? She was the love of his life. More than that, the love of his eternity. What was I? Just some troublesome stray they felt honour bound to take care of. How could he choose me over her? My guilt was overwhelming – bad enough that I had separated them from their family, had I separated them from each other as well?

"Jasper, we really need to go. Right now. If there's something else you want to do, or something you need to talk to me about, fine, but it will have to wait till later." The panic in her voice was awful to listen to. No matter what I did, I just seemed to hurt everyone around me.

"No, Alice. I love you, but I won't do this anymore. We have no right." Idiot! No right to what, leave me? Of course they had the right, they had every right. They owed me nothing, whereas I owed them more than I could repay even in the immortality given to me.

I wished I could trust my treacherous voice enough to speak the words that would set them free of their ridiculous perceived obligation to me.

Alice was speechless, betrayal written all over her perfect features. I was stunned when she turned to me; I had thought they had forgotten that I was even there.

"Bella, I need you to come with me, right now." I didn't know whether she was reaching out to me simply because I was the only person there who could comfort her after Jasper's treachery, or whether she simply wanted to get me away from Jasper so that she could kill me, and finally end the disruption in their lives. I actually hoped it was the latter – she had said she was going hunting after all, and even if it was just a cover for their leaving, there was still a chance that she would need to hunt anyway. After all, her eyes were practically black; further evidence that all of her recent hunting excursions had been nothing but a sham. And of course, then there was the chance that she would try to make me go hunting to punish me for driving Jasper away from her. Either way, I would do anything for her, except hunt.

"Alice, I... I don't... hunt." She looked shocked that I had even brought up the lie. Well, it was so transparent, I wasn't surprised she didn't expect me to believe it.

"Bella, my love, don't worry. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. Let's just go for a run, I'm getting stir crazy in here." I didn't believe her, of course, but now that I knew that she wouldn't make me hunt, the least I could do was go with her. She obviously didn't want to be alone, and nor did she want to stay here with Jasper.

She pulled me along, too impatient to wait for me to make my mind up, and by the time I had resolved to go with her, we were out of the cabin and surrounded by woodland. I let go of her hand and kept pace with her, waiting for her to tell me what she needed from me.

But as I waited, the solution to all her problems suddenly occurred to me. She didn't seem to be paying attention to whether I followed her or not. If I left now, if I ran so far and so fast that she couldn't find me, then Jasper wouldn't have to choose between us. They could be together again, go home to their family. They could do what was right for them, instead of sacrificing themselves for me.

Soundlessly I turned parallel to Alice's path, disappearing into the forest, using all my newborn strength to put as much distance between us as possible. I didn't know how to avoid being tracked, other than crossing water, so when I found a river I ran along it for about a mile before crossing to the opposite bank and throwing myself into my stride once again.

I was lost in my thoughts, zig-zagging through the trees to try to confuse my trail, when I ran headlong into something harder and more unyielding than any tree or boulder. There was only one thing that could survive the impact of my speeding body, and my heart sank as I realised that all my efforts at evasion had been for nothing. They had found me.

But when I looked up, I was shocked to see not Alice's face, or Jasper's, but Edward's perfectly chiselled features looking down at me with surprise that mirrored my own.

EPOV

Sometimes the astonishing capacity of the vampire mind to multi-task is more a curse than a blessing.

As I ran the familiar trail towards the cabin, there were eight distinct, conflicting thoughts running through my head.

_Maybe this time I'll get past them._

_If it was possible for me to get through their defences, I would have managed it by now. This is pointless._

_What if Bella really doesn't want to see me?_

_What if she does?_

_What can I say to her to make up for everything I've done?_

_There's nothing I can say to erase my mistakes. It would be kinder to leave her alone._

_What if she can't stop hating me?_

_What if she could love me?_

It was maddening. I tried to focus on my running, but it was a purely physical exercise and did not occupy my mind, not to mention the memories it brought back of a time when I wasn't running to Bella, but with her, so instead I tried to direct my thoughts to a more useful purpose than my endlessly spiralling hopes and doubts. I tried, as I had tried so often before, to find the words that would strip my heart from my chest and lay it bare for Bella to see, words of such unquestionable honesty that she could not doubt my love, but in all the languages I knew I could not find a single syllable that did not mockingly trivialise my love. What I felt was too huge to be boxed, bordered and limited by words.

My linguistic failures did not encompass enough of my attention to quiet the dizzying conflict in my mind, and nor did they prevent me from noticing when I crossed the invisible barrier at which I had always been turned back. There was no one here.

For a moment I was elated. Somehow, I had made it. I had finally crossed the line. My Bella was within reach.

And then I absorbed the shocking silence of the woods around me. Not just silent of audible noise, but silent of minds. I had not been turned away, because there was no one here to hide from me.

I stopped dead in my tracks. They had left. I was back to square one with no hope of finding them. My endless efforts to get to this cabin, though they may have been frustrating, at least held hope. At least I had known where Bella was, even if I had not been able to see her. Now I did not even have that.

I ran forward again, desperate to reach the cabin, hoping beyond hope that there might be some trace, some trail I could follow. Then, I felt the faintest flicker of a consciousness, right on the edges of my range. I pushed myself harder, and in a short time the thoughts were audible. It was Jasper.

_What have I done? How could I be so stupid? I betrayed Alice, betrayed my own love, and for what? What did I expect, that she'd suddenly see the light, and everything would be ok? Idiot... Now she's run again, only this time there is no one with her to make her see sense. Bella will never stand up for herself, she'll never believe that any of us truly care. So now they'll both keep running, forever, Alice will never let any of us find them. If this trail runs cold... if I can't catch up... I'll never see either of them again._

I listened to his silent monologue as he pursued Alice and Bella through the woods, more despairing than ever. Even I had not expected that things would be as bad as this. I thought that they had run again, but I had no idea that they'd left Jasper behind.

Jasper, my one hope. The one person who could understand how deeply I cared for Bella, the one person I had any hope of convincing that I would not hurt her anymore. I had seen the almost dogmatic devotion in Alice's thoughts, and knew that without Jasper's stabilising influence she would never even consider allowing me to find her and Bella.

Even through my pain, I could not find it in me to hate my sister. How could I hate anyone who adored my Bella so deeply? And truly, I could not fault her actions; had the situations been reversed, I would have done exactly the same thing. No, I did not hate Alice. In fact, I think I loved her all the more for her single-minded protection of Bella.

_At least, if I never see her again, I know that Alice will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. At least she is safe._

The range of Jasper's power was smaller than mine, but I could run faster than he could, and I was gaining on him. I knew the exact moment he became aware that I was following him.

_Edward, run. You must run, faster than you ever have before. Faster than it is possible to run. If we don't catch them now, we never will._

_I can't lose them Edward, either of them. I know you feel the same. For the sake of everything you hold dear, for the sake of Bella, run._

_I wanted to let you both discover this on your own. I didn't want to interfere. It turns out I should have. I may well have destroyed everything with my silence. I know you love her, Edward, I have felt it. And I know she loves you too._

He must have felt my shock and disbelief, for he rushed to convince me. In his mind he played through Bella's every emotion, putting particular emphasis on the wave of... there was no doubting it... of love, that sprang from her whenever she looked at me.

_Believe me Edward. Her heart is yours. You have but to claim it._

I saw the confusion in his mind as the trail he was following branched, Alice's scent continuing forward, while Bella's veered off to the side. His hesitation was only momentary.

_I'm sorry, brother, and I truly pray that you are fast enough to reach Bella before her trail runs cold, but I must follow my Alice._

I tried to project a wave of understanding, gratitude and encouragement.

_Thank you._

And then his mind focused entirely on the trail before him, his only thoughts of Alice. I tuned out his mind then, concentrating on following my own trail as quickly as I could.

Before long I came to the place where the trail split, and without hesitation I followed Bella's intoxicating scent. Really, it was almost as if, rather than me following it, it was drawing me forward. I would follow this trail to the ends of the earth if I had to.

I had a brief moment of panic when her trail disappeared into a river, but she was not as adept at hiding her tracks as Alice had been. I had followed the opposite bank for barely a mile before I found her scent again.

I began to perceive a pattern to her movements. Although her course zig-zagged between the trees, her overall path was leading her in a straight line. As a newborn she did not yet have the subtlety to do anything else – when fleeing her only thought was to get as far away as possible, and a straight line is the logical way to do that.

In fact, I was impressed that she had even tried to lose her scent in the stream. Most newborns would have simply leapt over the river without considering the possibilities for concealment.

But then, my Bella was special.

Now that I recognised the pattern, I decided to take a chance and assume that she would not divert from her course. If she followed this line, then I no longer had to waste time following her weaving trail between the trees, I could run straight, and catch her faster.

It worked, and finally I beheld the sight which I had yearned after for what felt like an eternity. I called to her, but she did not seem to hear me – unlike me, she seemed able to focus so intently on her stride that she became unaware even of her immediate surroundings. I didn't want to make her feel threatened by catching her from behind, so the next time she curved away through the trees, I spun the opposite way until I heard her footsteps returning to the trail. I turned then, and ran towards her, hoping that by approaching from directly in her field of vision she would notice me without feeling hunted.

She came into sight again, running towards me now, but still she did not notice me. When it became obvious that she was not going to see me, I stopped, but as she hurtled towards me I stood my ground, waiting to catch her; when she was in my arms again, where she belonged, she could not fail to notice me.

Her strength was astonishing, and the impact of her body threw me to the ground. She fell on top of me and I held her, worrying that despite Jasper's reassurances she wouldn't want to see me, worrying that even if she did love me, my numerous mistakes would make our love impossible. So many worries flashed into my brain all at once, only to disappear as if they had never been, the second her eyes met mine.

BPOV

_Edward..._

For just a moment, I allowed myself the luxury of not thinking, of just staring into his eyes, memorising his face, feeling his body beneath me, his arms around me, breathing in his scent. For just a moment, I was home.

It felt new, exciting as well as comforting. Home. It felt like something I had never had before, and in a lot of ways, it was. My human memories were so faded, so distant, so blurry, that they hardly felt like my life at all. And as for my vampire memories, well. The Cullen house had been something I needed, somewhere safe, I had grown attached to it, but I had always felt like an intruder there. It wasn't home.

The cabin held too much sadness. I had never been truly comfortable there, knowing that at any second Jasper and Alice might leave, and I might be alone forever. The cabin wasn't home either.

I knew I would suffer for this later, for my moment of unthinking bliss, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I had less than a second to choose – whether to accept the pain, make the most of the few moments I might have with Edward before he left me to go and find Alice and Jasper, or whether to spare myself and leave before I could do anything to cause myself more pain.

_If I'm going to be alone forever... I might as well give myself something to remember._

And with that thought I arched my back, stretching in his arms until I could press my lips to his. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, savouring every inch of his body that was pressed against me. I threw myself into this kiss, knowing it was the only one I would ever have, wringing every last blissful sensation I could from his lips, losing myself in his eyes. I knew that all too soon he would react, push me away, leave me forever, but while I had him in my arms, I could not bring myself to be anything but joyous.

EPOV

I don't know what I was expecting from Bella, but it certainly wasn't this. Despite Jasper's assurances, all I could think of was how much I had hurt her, how many mistakes I had made. Jasper had given me hope that someday, if I could earn her forgiveness, maybe we could be together. We had eternity, I was prepared to wait.

I had anticipated anger, recrimination, pain. I had not expected this. But I wasn't complaining.

I was utterly astonished at how right it felt, holding her in my arms. It was as if an ache deep inside me had been soothed, an ache I had not even felt the weight of, until it was lifted. Unlike that time in the forest, I allowed myself to enjoy this, allowed myself to respond. It was as if our every move was orchestrated – we were perfectly in harmony. I didn't close my eyes, couldn't stop staring at her in wonder, and she kept gazing back. I could not read her mind, but in those moments, gazing into her perfect eyes, I felt that I could read her soul.

After a few moments, she frowned ever so slightly at me, her eyes seeming to assess whatever she saw in mine, and then she relaxed, snuggling closer into my arms with a contented murmur.

We continued to kiss, but it was different now; tender, rather than desperate. She no longer held on to me with her frightening newborn strength, instead she cradled me lovingly. She seemed to understand that this time I would not leave, and I knew that my lips had somehow managed to communicate the love and devotion I had found it impossible to put into words.

Some words were essential though. There was something I knew I had to say. When I ended our kiss and pulled away, she stiffened in my arms, panic in her eyes, and I hated myself anew for hurting her so thoughtlessly before. I stroked her hair to soothe her, and held her eyes with mine.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered breathily, half afraid that this was too soon, but unable to be anything less than honest with her, "I love you."

She froze, but didn't respond. I held my breath. This was the moment of truth, the moment when I would know if she could forgive me, or if I had made too many mistakes, hurt her too much. I was scant seconds away from the words that would decide the rest of my existence. I saw, almost as Alice would, two futures stretching out in front of me; an eternity of bliss, or crushing endless loneliness.

I realised now that the whole purpose of my interminable decades of life so far had been just to wait for this moment, and I decided that, if she would not have me, then I could not live alone either. I would go to the Volturi, end myself. Having come so close to everything I wanted, I could not go back to the way things had been before Bella had come into my life.

But those words, the words that would decide everything, never came. At that moment, Alice came hurtling towards us. From the startled look on Bella's face, she was just as surprised as me, and I felt a stab of hope when I realised that obviously Bella had been as absorbed by our kiss as I was, if she had not heard Alice coming.

Now that I was aware of her presence, the full force of her furious thoughts came crashing down on mine. She was too overwrought to think in words, instead her mind was a swirling vortex of rage, panic, betrayal, and just the faintest tug of guilt.

From the moment that Alice was visible, Bella turned to stone in my arms. I looked at her with worry, but her face was eerily blank. Not for the first time I longed to be able to read her thoughts, but there was nothing but opaque silence coming from her.

"Bella, get away from him. Come to me." Alice's voice was commanding, and I imagined that anyone who did not know her as well as I would not have noticed the slight twinge of desperation behind her words. Instantly Bella got to her feet and glided impassively to stand at her side. Alice held her gratefully, but Bella did not raise her arms to return the embrace, and nor did she lift her eyes from the floor.

This was not the Bella I knew. My Bella may have been agreeable, may have avoided confrontation, but she was stubborn too, and opinionated. She was not this mindless, cowering shell. I did not know what had happened during those long weeks they had spent in the cabin, but it seemed that Alice had a lot to answer for. I could see now why Jasper had refused to help her anymore.

I felt fierce now, vindicated. I would not let Alice take her away again. I may have made Bella a vampire, but Alice had turned her into a zombie.

I tensed, readying myself to attack if necessary, but hoping that we could resolve this with words. Once again I felt Jasper approaching the edges of my range, and his mental voice when it became audible was heavy with fear. I saw in his thoughts that Alice had doubled back on herself when she realised that Bella was not with her, and Jasper had followed the wrong trail. He was scared of what would happen if she reached Bella before either of us did.

I tried to project an air of cautious hope, tinged with wariness and impatience. I hoped that when he was close enough to read my emotional state he would understand the message. _'All is not yet lost, but things could still go either way. Hurry._

I felt again the change as he registered my presence and his thoughts became communicative.

_I'll be there as soon as I can. I can feel Alice with you, please don't let her leave. If we can just talk to her, reason with her, then we can all find Bella together._

My worry for Bella increased a hundredfold when I realised that Jasper was receiving nothing from her. I glanced again at the utter blankness of her face, and realised that she was shutting down completely.

Alice was watching me, waiting for the slightest moment of distraction that might give them a head start. She knew there was no point simply fleeing since when it came to sheer speed I had the advantage over her. Her eyes flickered around the forest like those of a caged animal, and I could see the visions she traced in her mind, trying to find any course of action that could lead to escape.

I was heartened when I saw that in not one of her visions did she make it. In every single permutation of the future, either Jasper or I eventually caught up to them. It was frustrating that she never followed a single thread beyond that point; I longed desperately to see the conclusion of mine and Bella's reunion, but Alice wasn't interested in looking for that. She simply kept scanning the futures for any possible way out.

I kept my voice low and soothing as I spoke to her, "Alice, let's just stay and talk a while, shall we? We both know that leaving now won't give you the outcome you're looking for. I know you're scared for Bella, but I promise that I will not hurt her. I love her, Alice."

I heard as Jasper's mind registered a sudden flash of response from Bella's otherwise inert mind.

_She's there? She's with you? Whatever you just did Edward, keep doing it. You've got to keep her with you, don't let her close herself off again._

Heeding Jasper's advice, and with my gaze fixed on Bella's face now, rather than on Alice's accusatory glare, I kept speaking.

"Please don't leave me, Bella, my love. There's so much I need to tell you."

I followed Jasper's analysis of Bella's emotions as I talked, tripping over the words as I tried to reach her inside her shell. I told her everything; the way I had been fascinated with her from the moment I had first noticed her, even before I had tasted her intoxicating scent in the air. I told her how beautiful she was, how beautiful she had been to me even before her change. I did not spare myself as I admitted to the sheer glorious bliss I had felt when drinking her blood, and I was not lying when I told her that the ecstasy of holding her in my arms made that former pleasure pale into insignificance. I told her how honoured I had felt every time she deigned to speak with me, and how I had longed to cast myself on my knees before her beauty and grace as if she were a goddess and me her humble worshipper. I told her everything, related my every thought and mistake and hope in unflinching detail, and when I ran out of things to say I simply told her how much I loved her, exhausting both superlative and hyperbole in my attempts to do my love justice.

I barely noticed when Jasper reached us, and I did not listen when he took Alice into his arms and began murmuring his own declarations of love and devotion into her ears. I hardly spared a thought to be grateful that through his own crisis he had the generosity of spirit to focus a part of his gift on Bella so that I could continue to read her through him. Gradually, I began to reach her, and the faint flickers of emotion strengthened, until her warring hope and disbelief were practically overwhelming.

Through all this I had not moved. I resisted the temptation to fold her into my arms, knowing that it had to be her decision, knowing that I had taken too many choices away from her already, but when her eyes finally locked with mine, and she raised her arms to me in supplication, I used every ounce of my unnatural speed to cross the distance between us.

BPOV

_Don't listen, it's just a trick. It isn't true. Don't believe him. It isn't real._

I struggled to block out Edward's words, determined not to allow myself to hope, even for a moment, that what he said might be true. I couldn't fathom his reasons for saying what he did, at first, but as he told me how Jasper and Alice had fought to keep us apart, I gradually began to understand.

I had torn their family asunder, and when they could not persuade Alice or Jasper to leave me, the rest of the family had obviously decided that we were a package deal; that to reunite their family, they would have to bring me back as well.

Of course Edward did not love me, he was simply exploiting my weakness so he could bring his family back together. I cringed as I realised that this meant that he must know the secret I had fled to keep from him, the devastating truth of just how I felt about him. But of course, Jasper was here now, and between his power and Edward's, my secret was a secret no longer.

Hadn't I resolved to do whatever I had to in order to bring the Cullens back together? I had thought that meant being alone, allowing them to leave, but what if it meant staying with them? It would be almost unbearable to live in the same house as Edward, especially now he knew what I felt for him, but would it honestly be worse than the eternal loneliness I had accepted?

_Besides, _a little voice in the back of my head whispered temptingly, _if Edward thinks the only way to keep you is to pretend to love you too... well, isn't pretend love better than nothing at all?_

I remembered the ecstasy of being in his arms. I had known that Edward did not love me, but that hadn't stopped me from enjoying every second. I knew that I should be honest, tell him that I knew he was lying to me, tell him that he didn't need to do this, that I would come with them anyway...

_Don't rock the boat. Just wait until we're all back home and everything is settled, then tell him. If you tell him now, Alice might get overprotective again, and you don't want a repeat of this whole three month fiasco. Just wait, pretend to believe him for now, tell him later._

It was a feeble justification for lying to Edward, when I knew that really I was only going along with his pretence so that I could steal as many kisses, as many embraces, as much faked affection as I could before my conscience demanded that I come clean.

With my decision made, and my impending guilt firmly held at bay, I gave into temptation and raised my arms to him pleadingly. In scant moments he was holding me, and I could detect not a trace of hesitation or disgust in him. He really was an excellent actor. At home in his arms, I buried my head in his chest, inhaling his intoxicating scent, and allowed myself to believe, just for a moment, that he truly loved me, that I could spend my eternity right here in these arms.


	9. Temptation

BPOV

It was all too easy to give in to my selfishness. I tried to persuade myself that it was simply that the right moment never came up, but, to be honest, there really isn't a right moment to say "by the way, I know you're only dating me so that I won't destroy your family," so it wasn't much of an excuse.

The problem was that most of the time I was remarkably good at forgetting all about it; I always had been excellent at repressing things. And when I remembered, it was invariably because Edward had chosen that moment to take me in his arms, to kiss me, to...

Well. I suppose, in reality, we hadn't actually gone that far. But I had never even been kissed as a human. Everything was new to me, overwhelming, and every touch, every glance seemed unbearably intimate. I knew enough from listening to Rosalie and Emmett (not voluntarily, but really, it was impossible to avoid them. They were _loud) _that there was plenty we weren't doing. But what we did was serious enough that I could never bring myself to break the moment with my confession.

Did I mention that Edward was a flawlessly believable actor? He had this way of looking at me that made me just melt inside. And then there was the way that every evening, at about the time that a human would be going to sleep, the Cullens would all retreat to their rooms. Vampire senses were perfectly adequate to tell me more than I needed to know about what they left to do. And as far as giving myself things to remember, during the long, lonely centuries ahead? Well, that first night when the four of us had finally returned to the Cullens' new house in Alaska (Carlisle had finally deemed it safe to leave Forks without arousing suspicion, and Edward's hope that we would be found in Alaska had led them to acquire a property in the state) was one that I knew I would spend a great deal of my eternity mentally reliving...

_Each Cullen had left with their own significant glance at either Edward or me – Esme's hopeful, Emmett's amused, Jasper's speculative, and, most worryingly, Alice's knowing and resentful, once Jasper had finally persuaded her to leave me. I knew what they were all expecting; it seemed that even they were not aware that Edward's affection was nothing more than an act. It surprised me that he was able to hide his feelings from Jasper, but apparently, just as thoughts could be concealed from Edward, emotions could also be kept from Jasper. Perhaps he was just too preoccupied with the mammoth task of repairing the damage done to his relationship with Alice to notice the discrepancy between what Edward said, and what he felt._

_Either way, we were finally alone. We sat in uncomfortable silence, as muffled (and, in Rosalie and Emmett's case, not so muffled) sounds of passion rang out from various places around the house. Had I been an ounce less selfish, I would have chosen that moment to come clean to Edward, and finally rid his family of the burden of supporting me, but my head was still spinning from the day's events, and having been drawn out of my safe numbness by Edward's return, my emotions were painfully and demandingly present._

_All I could think about was the kiss we had shared, and with the cries and moans of passion filling the air my urges were almost uncontrollable. I clenched my hands into fists to restrain myself from twisting them into his hair, bit my lip to stave off the need to press my mouth to his. I was in an agony of indecision; my mind and conscience set on the moral course of action, while my heart and my body ached for him._

_So, when Edward finally turned to me, it took almost no persuasion to give in to my body's demands. Especially when the words he said were so seductive._

"_Bella," he spoke in strained, longing moan, "I don't want to pressure you, and I won't, but I'm afraid the atmosphere in the house, and being so close to you, it is just too much. If I don't leave right now, then I'm going to have to take you in my arms and never let you go. I need to feel you Bella..."_

_So when he stood to leave, I threw myself at him, knocking him back into the chair which collapsed beneath us. I didn't even spare a moment of remorse for that; somehow I sensed that Esme would be too delighted at having her family reunited to object to the destruction of one chair. I did spare a moment to be grateful that I no longer had to breathe. There was no way we could have kissed with this strength, this passion, without suffocating, had we been human._

_I abandoned all notions of confessing. After all, I told myself, it was our first night back. I'd wait until things were more settled. I surrendered to pure instinct, letting my hands rove freely over his body, lingering wherever my touch elicited a particularly... vehement... response. Edward was more circumspect; responding almost violently to my touch, but restricting his hands to my hair and back._

_Don't get me wrong, his tenderness was touching, and I had no complaints about the kissing, but I wanted more. Much more. Once again I rationalised that a certain wantonness was perfectly in keeping with my – our – charade. So there was nothing wrong with a little encouragement._

_With a forwardness that surprised even me, I took his hands in mine and, with my best attempt at a coy glance, I cupped them around my breasts. He froze, and I sighed into his lips; evidently I had found the limit to how far he would go to keep up appearances. For what might have been the hundredth time, I blessed the fact that I could not blush anymore. This rejection may not have been entirely unexpected, but it still hurt, and I was even more ashamed than last time, since now I knew exactly what I was doing. But when I tried to pull away, he held me to him, and whispered entreatingly in my ear._

"_I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to, well, it isn't that I'm saying no, it is just that this is all so new to me. You have to understand that I may live in the modern world, but my morals were constructed in 1918. It seems disrespectful to treat you this way. Can we just take it slow?"_

_Nice save, I thought. But of course, flawless Edward Cullen couldn't be caught out that easily. I found I was rather glad though. Even if I was only to be permitted kissing, I would take that while I could. I wasn't ready for the pretence to end._

_We had spent the entire night there, curled together in the wreckage of the armchair. We didn't just kiss, we talked as well, resurrecting the genuine friendship we had been working on back in Forks, what felt like a century ago. For the first time it occurred to me that this charade might not just be for his family. Maybe it was for my benefit too. Maybe this wasn't so abhorrent to him. I tried to see his deceit as a gift from one lonely immortal to another._

_Though, to be honest, we didn't talk that much, and what we did say was punctuated with kisses. I just couldn't stop touching him, and he responded in kind. I hadn't realised how much time had passed until I felt the dawn light wash over me, and heard Esme's polite cough from the doorway... _

I paused my mental replay of that first dawn to nod an absent goodnight to Carlisle and Esme as they got up to leave and I realised that once again, Edward and I were alone for the night. I didn't want to impose too much on his generosity in pretending to be with me, so I tried to make as few demands on him as possible. I buried myself in my memories, trying to ignore the way my body ached for his. But of course, that didn't last. It took only the slightest inclination of his body to mine, the slightest breath of sweet Edward-scented air on my face, and my self control was in tatters, and I was in his arms. I would save reliving my memories until it was too late for me to make any more.

EPOV

You'd think that immortals would crave variety in their routine, but really, vampires are even more attached to habit than the average human. It was astonishing how quickly our days fell into a pattern. We hadn't bothered enrolling in schools or getting jobs or any human pretence here – Carlisle had suggested that we take some time to rebuild ourselves as a family after our recent upheavals.

Our days progressed thus: at dawn, everyone would assemble in the large family room. Bella and I were invariably still there from the night before, and somehow neither of us ever became sufficiently accustomed to our newly-awakened passion to reliably notice the sun's rising, so I was eternally grateful that Esme ensured that she was always the first one to come downstairs and interrupt us; it may have been moderately humiliating to have our nightly intimacy halted by our mother's arrival, but her wry – and somewhat smug – understanding was infinitely preferable to being found by any of the others.

We spent the days together, rebuilding our tattered trust and affection. Sometimes our time was light-hearted; we played scrabble, watched films, did any number of normal family activities. Other times Carlisle or Esme would take one or two of us aside for a private discussion. These discussions invariably involved either myself or Alice, and often both of us. They had not taken Bella aside, and I gathered that they did not yet feel secure enough in their role of 'parent' towards her to do so.

For her part, Bella also did what she could to repair the broken bonds between us. She had asked me if we could avoid public intimacy for Alice's sake, and she went out of her way to reassure Alice of their continued friendship – always being on her team when we played games, and often sitting at her feet whilst we watched films so that Alice could play with her hair, an activity they both seemed to find soothing.

Alice vacillated between anger and remorse, for the first time feeling insecure about her acceptance in our family. She was deeply ashamed of the pain she had caused us all, particularly Bella and Jasper, and she was gradually relaxing her wariness of me. I could tell that it would take time before we returned to our former easy friendship, but I had faith that as long as Bella was happy, myself and Alice would not be at odds. She still did not entirely trust me with Bella's well-being, but between Bella's assurances and Jasper's, she had no real reason to object to our budding relationship. But I still could not help noticing the way that she refused to leave in the evenings until she had carefully scanned the future to ensure I would cause Bella no harm before the dawn. After the first few uncomfortable experiences of watching our intimate actions through Alice's eyes, I tried very hard to block out her visions, knowing that she would make me aware if there were to be any problems. Despite the fact that I would, within minutes, be acting out the content of those visions, it still felt like a violation to watch Bella in such compromising situations in Alice's head. So I concentrated very hard on not receiving any of her thoughts at these times.

Which meant I had no hint as to whether I would finally solve my dilemma tonight. Much as I loved our time together, it felt faintly sordid to lie with Bella on the cold bare floor of the living room, but I worried that suggesting that we retire to my bedroom or hers would bring unwanted pressure into our relationship. Not that I thought that Bella would be unhappy at the notion of taking our our intimacy further, but I still struggled with my apparently outdated notions of what was 'proper', and I couldn't escape my romanticised fantasy that our first time would be our wedding night.

But still, stolen kisses behind the sofa were anything but the romance I wanted for Bella. It wasn't discomfort or the cold – as vampires the hard floor held neither for us – and nor was it the lack of privacy, since between normal vampire senses, and the extra abilities of myself, Jasper and Alice, privacy was impossible wherever we went. No, there was no practical reason why we couldn't continue our living room trysts, but still they bothered me. Bella deserved better.

So tonight, when she threw herself into my arms scant minutes after Carlisle and Esme left us alone, I restrained the urge to give in to her exquisite embraces, and suggested that we go up to my room instead. Instantly her face reflected all the apprehension I felt, and though I tried to laugh off the tension with a joke about not wanting to break any more of Esme's furniture, we both sensed that this was more than a change of venue. It felt as if somehow, this would add a certain seriousness, a certain commitment to our relationship. It was as though we were declaring ourselves.

Finally she nodded, and I took her hand in mine as we ascended the stairs. She hung back, so that I had already crossed the threshold when she paused at the door. I worried that I was pushing her too far, too fast, but she simply took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and followed me in. The door closed behind us with a resonating thud which seemed to echo in the utter silence.

I watched as Bella took in the large bed in the centre of the room, a bed which could have only one purpose to beings who did not need sleep. Seeing a slight frown crease her brow I gestured towards the deep leather chairs sitting in the corner, trying to convey that there was no presumption intended in the purchase of that bed, or in my bringing her here tonight, but she met my eyes challengingly, and settled herself deliberately in the middle of the bed.

It wasn't until she had seated herself on the bed that I noticed the small bottle sitting on the side table; I had been so consumed with watching Bella that I had not spared a glance for the room around me. I did now, and was amazed at what I found. The room was bedecked in candles which cast a soft glow over the thick rugs and pillows that now covered my floor. Heavy drapes hung on the walls, concealing my somewhat utilitarian shelving. From the speakers came the soft lilting strains of music I had not heard before, but instantly knew I would love. I knew from the timing and the attention to detail that only one person could be responsible for the transformation of my room, and I was startled at the grace, the forgiveness, the sheer generosity that was implied. As I looked again, I saw a small scrap of paper pinned underneath the bottle, which turned out to be a delicately scented massage oil. Even expecting it, the contents of the note stunned me.

_I trust you Dearest Brother, and I forgive you. I was wrong to try to stop this. You will be beautiful together.- Alice_

I could not comprehend how lucky I was. I had Bella, I had my family, and it seemed that I had managed to regain the love and trust of my closest sister. Not only that, but Alice had thought to provide the massage oil as an ice breaker to smooth our transition into this room, this bed. As I sat on the bed, I decided very firmly to take the next possible opportunity to do something nice for Alice. I pictured myself buying a shockingly expensive, beautifully fast car with tinted windows, and tying a ribbon around the steering wheel. Then I pictured myself offering obscenely large amounts of money to the owners of all the stores in Beverly Hills in LA to persuade them to open after dark. Alice had been longing to shop there for years, but the omnipresent sunshine had kept her away. I knew that as soon as I had made my decision she would see it, and in confirmation I heard a soft squeal of glee erupting from a distant region of the house.

That taken care of, I turned my attention to the goddess on the bed. I held up the bottle so she could see, and raised an eyebrow questioningly. My emotions were too overwhelming to speak out loud. But she seemed to understand what I was asking, and she nodded, turning away shyly before removing her clothes and lying face-down on the bed, pulling the sheet up to her waist to cover herself.

As I coated my hands in the luxurious oil and rubbed it into her soft skin, my mind noted odd differences between this and the other touches we had shared. In some ways it was less intimate; I could not see her face, and though she responded to my hands with soft moans of pleasure, she lay perfectly still on the bed. I was touching her, but she did not touch me. I felt oddly powerful manipulating her flesh with my strong fingers, and I could not help but be aware that this was more of her skin than I had seen or felt before. I traced the soft curve of her spine, the peaks of her shoulder blades, buried my hands in the hair at the nape of her neck. My whole world narrowed to this gleaming expanse of pale skin. For the first time in over eighty years the endless babble of voices in my head became so distant as to be inaudible. My mind filtered out every sound except her low moans of pleasure, every smell except the scent of the oil mingling with Bella's unique fragrance, every sight except the flickering candlelight washing over her pale skin, every sensation except the soft kiss of her flesh under my hands.

I dragged it out as long as I could, tenderly caressing every inch of her back with all of my attention, but eventually I had to draw to a close, finally planting a light kiss on the back of her neck to signal that I had finished.

I expected her to kiss me then, she always seemed eager to embrace me, but instead she sat up, pulling up the sheet to cover her bare chest. Through the love in her eyes, I could also see a strange resigned sadness, but I didn't know what I could possibly have done to put it there. How had I hurt her this time? And why hadn't Alice seen and stopped me?

She raised a hand and gently pressed it to my lips. I took that to mean that she didn't want me to talk, and though I was burning to ask her why she was so sad I forced myself to respect her wishes.

"I've spent a lot of time trying to think how to say this, and I'm still sure that I haven't got it quite right, and I keep waiting, because really, I don't want to say it at all, but it just isn't fair to take advantage of your kindness any longer."

I parted my lips beneath her fingers to reply, because I was so utterly stunned at her words I could hardly keep quiet, but her next words silenced me

"Please Edward," she begged, "hear me out before you say anything. I know you probably won't be expecting this, and maybe you won't want to hear it, but I need to be honest and if you interrupt I don't think I'll be able to finish. I know you wish you could hear my thoughts, so here they are. I've spent a lot of time working out how to say them, so it will probably sound rehearsed, but I promise it isn't edited. Do you swear not to say anything until I'm finished?"

I nodded my acquiescence, knowing it would probably be hard not to interrupt her, but unwilling to give up the opportunity to hear what she had to say; no matter what her thoughts were, I wanted to know them.

"What I need to tell you is, I know, Edward, I've known from the start that you're only pretending to love me so that Alice and Jasper would come home again. I should have told you a long time ago, but the truth is, I love you Edward, and even if none of it was real, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be with you, even just for a little while."

I sat unmoving as I tried to process her words, struggling not to break my promise and correct her error before she could say any more. Part of me felt elated that for the first time she had said out loud that she loved me, but at what price? I couldn't believe what she was saying; she thought all this was a lie? I didn't understand how she could doubt my love for her. I clamped my mouth shut over my protests as she continued.

"But everything is ok now, you're all happy again, like you were before I came along. It is time to end this charade, time for me to leave. I know you'll try to stop me, but I promise, no melodramatic running away this time, I'll explain to everyone before I go, no one will think it is your fault. But before I go I have one last favour to ask, and it is a big one, and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but I just can't help what I want, and what I want is you, Edward.

"I suppose, really, that what I am asking for must be something of an anticlimax after what we have already shared. What could be more intimate than the taking of a life? You saw me in those final moments, held me in your arms. You felt everything drain away from me, every mask, every pretence, you saw me stripped of everything, even life. What could this nakedness mean when you have seen me like that?"

With those words she dropped the sheet she had been clutching to her breast, exposing herself to me, but I couldn't even look, my horrified gaze was fixed on her perfect mouth as it opened to release more crushing words.

"You gave me something too, that day. Even as my blood became a part of you, your venom entered my veins, penetrated my flesh, violated my very cells. What could be the point of sex, when you have impregnated every inch of me with your essence?"

As she spoke, the sadness in her voice was joined by a rich, husky need. She raised her hand, caressing her body, her hand coming to rest not-so-demurely in her lap, between legs that I just now noticed were slightly parted.

"I know you look back on that day and hate it. I know you see this scar on my neck as a daily reminder of how you failed me. But I cannot bring myself to see it that way. I cannot regret what you did to me; had I known then the wonder of you, I would have gladly given my life in exchange for these weeks I have spent in your arms."

She raised her hand to run her fingers along the twin crescent scars I had left on her neck. I did not fail to notice that in doing so she had exposed herself to me entirely, and I guessed that she was as aware of this fact as I was.

"And really, what have you taken from me? Even as I lost one life, I gained another. Sometimes, you lay your hand on my breast, and I can almost hear you listening for my lost heartbeat. But you don't understand that my heart is not silent. Every second it beats in my ears, whispering your name, _Edward, Edward." _

She was leaning towards me now, her voice the barest breath of a whisper, need and love and loss and obsession burning in her eyes.

"I suppose, what I am trying to say, is that I do not forgive what you have done to me, because there is nothing to forgive. There is not one thing I have lost that I would not gladly give to be with you, for whatever little time I have. You have given me so much, and I know I have no right to ask for more, but I find that, before I must leave you forever, I could not forgive myself if I did not at least try."

She lifted her hands now to cradle my face, leaning in until I could feel her breath on my lips.

"Edward, I love you with everything I have, and there is nothing I would not give you if you asked. I know I have said that there is no intimacy greater than that which you have already shared with me but, I still want this. I still want you. Edward... will you sleep with me?"


	10. Proposal, Engagement, Union

EPOV

"_Edward... will you sleep with me?"_

I was speechless. Literally speechless. For the first time in over eighty years, my mind could not construct a single sentence, and nor could my lips form a single word. I didn't know where to look; I couldn't meet her eyes, and nor could I violate her by staring at her body. I tried looking away at the walls, but then I worried that I was insulting her by averting my gaze. Would she think I looked away because I found her unattractive, rather than seeing the truth; that I found it utterly impossible to reason with such perfection laid bare before me?

This was torture. This was hell. I didn't know what to say, or what to do, or what to think. She was offering herself to me, but also taking herself away. Had she asked in any other way, for any other reason, for me to make love to her, then I would have abandoned my romantic fantasies of weddings and honeymoons, and done whatever she wished, but... despite my promise to refuse her nothing, I couldn't do this. I couldn't let our first time be tainted by her conviction that I didn't love her.

I was still reeling from that. Not only the horror that despite everything she still did not believe I loved her, but the astonishing depths of her obsession with me. She had thought that all of this was nothing but a charade, a humiliating, insulting deception. She had believed that I was using her, manipulating her, lying to her, and she had decided that it was still worth it, if it was the only way to be with me. She had thought it was better to be mocked, deceived and degraded, rather than be without me. But she was still willing to leave, to be alone for eternity, for my sake.

Of course, I would have done this, all this and more for her, had the situations been reversed, but I owed her so much, I had taken so much from her, and I loved her with an inescapable devotion. I had been learning to accept the concept of her caring for me also, though it was near-impossible to believe that she could have forgiven me for everything I had done to her, but to learn that she harboured a love of such magnitude as to rival my own, was staggering.

And hearing that, not only did she forgive me for what I did, but that she was glad, that this was the life she would have chosen, that losing her family, her life, her humanity, was, to her, a small price to pay to be with me, even if my love was only a lie, even if she would only have me for a few short weeks...

Yes, I was utterly, completely speechless. Not only that, but her vulnerability, her lust, and her need, were calling to me in unfamiliar but demanding ways. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to take her, in every possible way. I wanted to claim her. I wanted to convince myself that it was not unconscionable to grant her request now, and deal with all of the misunderstandings later.

I desperately tried to calm my arousal, trying to remind myself that I wanted our first time to be pure of all doubt, not weighed down by the sorrow that still lurked in her crimson eyes. Eyes that were gradually cooling, losing their fire to be replaced by hurt and rejection. I could see her mentally and emotionally preparing herself for me to turn her down, getting ready to leave under a cloud of shame and regret. I had to act now, had to do something, but what? What could I do to make this right?

BPOV

As I waited for a reply that was distressingly slow in coming, I began to rethink the wisdom of what I had done. Edward's tenderness had been the final straw, the one thing that had finally caused my conscience to surface. During the too-short days when I had been anticipating this moment, trying to work out exactly what to say with him, the thought had occurred to me that there was one more thing I wanted to do before I left, and I had decided that this one thing, at least, I wanted to do honestly.

My plan had followed on from that. It had seemed so sensible at the time, but now? Well, maybe it hadn't been the best idea to try to have a serious conversation and seduce Edward at the same time. As the silence between us stretched and lengthened, I ached to retrieve the sheet and cover myself, but I decided that, on the off chance that my plan might still work, I would try to brazen it out. I stared at his face, hoping for some clue as to what he was thinking, and saw indecision. I hoped that was a good sign, that it meant he hadn't rejected my plea out of hand.

God, why wasn't he talking? I mean, I know I surprised him, but he's got a vampire brain! It's been nearly three minutes, even a human would have said something by now.

He's going to say no. He's just thinking how to let me down easy. That must be it.

The waiting is killing me though. If he's going to let me down, he could at least get it over with.

He opened his mouth and drew breath to speak. _Here it comes, _I thought.

"Bella, you asked me not to speak until you were finished speaking, and it was hard, but I did that for you. Would you do the same for me now, no matter what you think of what I say?"

I nodded, fairly sure I had a good idea of what he was going to tell me.

"Firstly though, could you answer me one question, please?"

I nodded again, not quite trusting my voice yet, wondering what more there was that I could say. Hadn't I told him everything already?

"You say that you've known all along that I was lying about loving you. What made you think that? How did you come to that conclusion Bella? I just can't understand what I could possibly have done to make you think I was lying."

Ah, now I understood. I had hurt his pride by seeing through his, admittedly flawless, acting, and he wanted to know how. Well, that at least was a question I could answer easily.

"Don't feel bad Edward, honestly, you have been flawlessly convincing. Really, I would have believed you, except, I'd already seen how you really felt about me, under circumstances when you didn't have the time, or the motivation, to hide your feelings. It was quite obvious that Alice and Jasper weren't going to leave me without a fight, and having read Jasper's mind, you must have known how I felt about you. Once I realised that, well, it was obvious what was really going on. After all, what is more plausible? You doing whatever it took to reunite your family, or you falling in love with me?" I couldn't help the way my voice cracked at the end there, so I took that opportunity to stop talking. I had explained, no point dwelling on things.

"I see..." he said, frowning. Probably disappointed in himself for not thinking things through that day in the forest. But it wasn't his fault, after all, who could have predicted that Jasper and Alice would feel such a strange obligation towards me that they would divide their own family for my sake?

"Is there anything else you want to say, Bella, before I take my chance to talk? I would really like it if you would listen to what I have to say without interrupting, but I don't want to censor you if you had anything else you wanted to tell me."

"No Edward, that's fine. I think I've said all there is to say. And yes, I will try not to interrupt you."

"And listen, please Bella. You have been remarkably honest with me, and I want to do the same for you. No editing." I nodded, wondering what he had to say, and hoping it wouldn't hurt too much.

He took a deep breath. "Here goes..." he seemed anxious, and I started to worry that he was going to tell me something that would hurt after all, something that would hurt quite a lot. I looked down at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.

"Bella, first, I need to explain exactly what was going through my head when I rejected you that way. I can see how it must have looked, and I really am sorry for not thinking before I acted, but I thought at the time that I was doing the right thing."

"What you have to understand is that, as newborns go, you are quite unique. You have amazing control over your thirst. But, there are other newborn traits that I had no idea you were equally resistant to. I never imagined, never even dared to hope, that you could ever forgive me enough to even consider me a friend, let alone...

"Well. Newborns are known for another hunger; they are known for their lust. Indiscriminate and uncontrollable lust. So you must see how that looked to me. Since there was no way that you could ever truly want me, the only other possibility was that you were so totally overcome by your physical hungers that you would deign to touch even me, loathsome creature that I am."

I was really struggling not to speak. It was practically impossible to restrain the urge to correct his woefully low opinion of himself. And I still couldn't see where he was going with all this. Was he trying to persuade me that my love for him was really just newborn-lust in disguise? Would he feel better thinking that it wasn't my heart he was breaking? Well, he could say what he liked. I knew what I felt.

"Bella, you have to see, I wasn't rejecting you. Really I wasn't. I just thought, you know, that it would be taking advantage of you. I didn't think you realised what you were doing. You don't know, you can't imagine, how much I wanted to give in to your advances, how much I wanted you in that moment. It took everything I had to stop you. You must have heard, in my voice, how tempted I was?"

He had phrased it as a question, so I took that to mean I could answer. I couldn't stand the way he was trying to rationalise things, trying to alter history. He had promised me honesty, after all.

"I heard how disgusted you were," I replied, icily, wishing that he didn't still feel the need to lie to me. How stupid did he think I was?

"Oh Bella," he said sadly, reaching out to stroke my hair, "My Bella. Is that really what you thought? Do you really think so little of yourself? If only you could see what the rest of us see when we look at you."

"And what is that?" I asked, archly, abandoning all attempts at silence. I had thought that there was nothing more that Edward Cullen could do to hurt me, I had thought myself immune to him. Surely nothing could be worse than realising that he would never love me? But evidently I hadn't realised just how much I valued his friendship as well, the honest friendship that I had truly thought we shared. That he would continue to lie to me, even now, was an agonising betrayal of that friendship.

"You are so many things to us Bella; a sister, a daughter, a friend. There is not a single person in this house that would not try to stop you leaving us. You truly are part of our family, whether you will it or no. You have been with us such a short time, but you have wrought such changes on us.

"So young, so new, so vulnerable," he reached out to stroke my face softly, "I don't think Alice ever really understood the way that Rosalie longed so desperately for children, the way Esme needed her family so utterly, until you came along. You should see the way she looks at you, like a lioness with her cubs. She loved you enough to turn her back on her whole family, even Jasper, for your sake. And don't mistake me, I mean what I say when I use the word 'love'. She loves you Bella, we all do. And even more than that, though her love may have divided us before, now it only brings us closer. She is so much more in tune with Esme and Rosalie, now that she understands them more. And it is not just Alice. I do not think there is a single one of us that is not a better person for having you in our lives. You never knew me before, but I don't think you could imagine how utterly different my life is now that I have found you. I know that I would choose in an instant, to die rather than to live a single moment without you."

I realised that I was shaking, trembling under the force of his words. _It can't be true,_ I thought, not allowing myself to hope. But my detached cynicism was becoming harder and harder to maintain. I had told the truth, laid my cards on the table, promised that I would not do anything to harm his family. So why was he saying all this to me? I couldn't take it.

"Stop lying to me Edward, please just stop. I can't bear it!" I pulled away from him, desperately trying to quash the hope that was building in me, bringing with it such risks of despair. In my efforts to distance myself from him, physically and emotionally, I ended up kneeling on the floor, pressed against the far wall of his room.

I heard a fumbling on the other side of the room, and then he was kneeling beside me, with something cupped in his hands.

"Bella, please believe me when I say that every word I have told you is true. I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will. And if everything I have said so far tonight is not enough to convince you, then believe this – what I am asking you now is too important to ever be asked in anything but perfect truth. What I am doing now is something I would never do for any reason but love, no matter the stakes."

He opened his cupped hands then, and it wasn't until I absorbed the implications of what he was holding that I realised exactly what position he had adopted. He was kneeling next to me, yes, but not kneeling the way I was, for where I was sitting back on my heels, he was down on one knee...

He took my left hand in one of his, and gazed at me imploringly as he whispered to me in an impassioned tone.

"Bella, my Bella, my love. I promise to be yours forever, if you would give me just one thing. Isabella Marie Swan, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

EPOV

I held my breath, waiting for Bella's response, and noticed absently that six other breaths had stopped in the same instant as mine, as my family listened avidly for a reply. Bella, however, was breathing rapidly, eyes darting anxiously from the ring in my outstretched hand to my face, and back again.

"I... I can't Edward." my spirits fell, though they were bolstered slightly when Alice mentally whispered to me, _don't worry, everything will still be ok. Look..._ and then more so when she showed me, finally, the vision she had been hiding from me for months, the one which she told me had never disappeared, through all the mistakes and misunderstandings, the one that still did not fade, despite Bella's rejection. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday Bella would wear the ring that was waiting for her.

I turned my attention back to Bella, as she continued speaking. "I'm sorry Edward, but I just can't believe what you're telling me, what you're offering me." She put her hand to my lips again as I opened my mouth to protest, "I am beginning to accept, I think, that maybe I _should_ believe you, but I just keep looking for the catch. It's too good to be true, so it can't be, you know? But... I'll try. That's all I can offer you. That I will stay, and I will try to believe you. Maybe one day I will be secure enough to give another answer to the question you just asked, but let's take it slow. Call it, an engagement to be engaged?" She laughed a little then, and I did too, relieved that her mood seemed to be lightening.

"I understand Bella. We can take things as slowly as you like." I placed the ring tenderly back in its box, "this will be waiting for you, whenever you're ready. We have forever, my love."

As much as I wished that she had said yes, and fallen into my arms then and there, I acknowledged that this was probably the best outcome I could hope for. She was giving me time to convince her, and after all, I had eternity on my side.

Another part of me suggested, quietly, that as well as being the best outcome I could expect, this may even be the best outcome possible. We had travelled a rocky road together, and mistakes had been made on both sides. We _needed_ this time, to rebuild trust, to learn to just be together, without all the baggage we were rapidly accumulating. Yes, we would take things slowly, and be the stronger for it.

My family's thoughts were as congratulatory as if I had just got engaged after all, but I understood that they had all been anxious, as soon as they had heard the direction our conversation was travelling in. They would all have fought to keep her, would all have done whatever they could to stop her leaving, short of actually forcing her to stay, but they all sensed that it was this conversation that everything had hinged on.

_I knew you could do it Edward. You did everything just right._

Alice's thoughts were a gift, a confirmation of her love for me, a balm to soothe my fears. Then I heard movement as the family assembled in the main room.

_If you don't mind, Alice told us all what would happen tonight, and we decided together that we would like to speak to Bella ourselves, to assure her that she has a place in this family as more than just your mate. After all, it was not just you she was planning on leaving._

Carlisle's tone was eminently reasonable, and though I did not want to share Bella just yet, now that we had finally come out from behind all our secrets and barriers and connected with each other, I knew that she did not belong to me, and it was true that she needed to hear what the rest of my – our – family had to say. I decided that it should be her choice whether or not to join them downstairs.

After a soft and lingering embrace, in which I tried very hard to suppress my natural reaction to the proximity of her naked form, she smiled up at me, her smile so open and free now that I wondered how I could possibly have missed the sadness and tension which were now obvious in their glaring absence, but which I had utterly failed to notice prior to this. I contented myself with the knowledge that now, at least, her eyes were unshadowed, and that together – _together – _we would work to keep them that way.

She said then that she would like to go downstairs with the others, so I let her go and she walked over to the bed to retrieve her clothes. She laughed wickedly when I averted my gaze from her nakedness, and before I knew it she was kissing me, pressing her body up against mine so that I could feel every inch of her. I kept my hands chastely around her waist, and was moderately surprised to find her skin still slick with oil. The massage had felt like a century ago; so much had changed since then.

"Shy now, are we?" she asked, with mirth glowing in her eyes, as she broke away from me and finally dressed herself.

"What happened to taking it slow?" I asked, with similar amusement in my voice. It was comforting, and also something of an ego boost, to know that even in her confusion she still could not resist me physically.

"There's a difference between going slowly, and going backwards Edward," she walked back towards me now until we stood scant inches apart, "And I seem to remember that _this," _she ran her hands over me in a way that made me shiver with pleasure, "is territory we have already covered." she chuckled with triumph as I submitted wholeheartedly to her caresses, melting beneath her hands.

Just as I felt that I could no longer stand up beneath the onslaught of her attentions, she pulled away and chidingly said "aren't they expecting us downstairs Edward?" She was toying with me mercilessly, but I knew that after fearing my rejection for so long, she needed to redress the balance of power – and desire – between us. Besides, if she really felt the need to take revenge on me in this particular way, well... I wasn't complaining!

I straightened my clothes, and rearranged my hair – though I am entirely unsure why I bothered, since it always looked somewhat tousled anyway – and we proceeded downstairs. Or at least, we tried to, but Alice is not known for her patience, and she met us halfway up, gripping Bella in what would have been a bone-shattering hug to a human, but to us was merely enthusiastic.

"I'm so glad you're staying with us Bella!" Alice sighed into Bella's hair, and then reluctantly let her go so that we could finish descending the stairs into the living room.

"Of course I'm staying Alice, I love you all. Where else would I want to be but here?"

Everyone had heard enough of our conversation to know that the issue of Bella's continuing residence with us had not always been as certain as she made it out to be, but they all took her comment in the spirit it was intended in.

Carlisle stepped up to Bella first, once Alice had backed away far enough to allow him to.

"Bella, I would like to formally welcome you to our family. You have experienced hardships that would destroy a weaker person, and come through them with grace and dignity, and I could not be prouder of you if you were my own flesh and blood. Whatever name you wish to go by, you will always be a Cullen to me." He smiled warmly down at her, and gave her a paternal kiss on the forehead.

I did not need to read Bella's mind to know what his simple statement meant to her. She had doubted her place for so long, spent so much time worrying that she would have to spend her eternity alone, but now she would never have to fear again. No matter what happened between us, she had a place; one that she had earned for herself, one that had been freely and wholeheartedly given. She had seen us through some of our worst moments, so she knew that our family bonds were as strong and unconditional as blood ties.

Esme approached Bella next, and I could see in her thoughts that she was speechless with delight. "Bella, oh Bella," she crooned, folding Bella into her arms. Her voice was choked with emotion. She held on so long that Emmett started to chuckle, and I could see in his thoughts that he was contemplating making some form of tasteless lesbian joke, but thankfully he decided that even he could not spoil this moment. I smiled at him in gratitude at that decision and he had the grace to look sheepish.

Eventually Jasper stepped up with a polite but amused cough and tapped Esme on the shoulder, saying "may I cut in?" Esme let Bella go, but could not be entirely diverted from expressing her joy, so she turned to embrace me instead. I cradled her lovingly, absorbing all the happiness and pride from her thoughts.

Jasper held Bella gently by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I feel like I should say something deeply profound here, but I am afraid that words fail me. I, we," he put his arm around Alice, who took that opportunity to slip in between Jasper and Bella to resume hugging her, "care for you deeply, and I believe that I speak for both of us when I say what a gift you are to us. We love you Bella."

Jasper stepped away from Bella to make space for Rosalie, who prodded Alice, saying "you've already had your turn, shove over!" Alice glared, but stepped to one side, holding Bella's right hand tightly.

"Its about time we got another girl in this place," Rosalie began, her voice light and joking, "plus it's good that someone has finally come along who could beat my darling husband in a fight," both myself and Alice uttered wordless protestations, until Rosalie silenced us by saying, "ok, in a _fair _fight," - Alice and I grinned at each other - "so for the next few months while you're all super-newborn I give you absolute free reign to put Emmett in his place!" Bella chuckled, and nodded her agreement, then raised her eyes challengingly to meet Emmett's.

Rosalie had never been amazingly prone to physical – or verbal – displays of affection for anyone but Emmett, so she surprised me when she gave Bella a quick, but firm hug, before stepping away again.

Emmett, last in the queue, lifted Bella off the floor in a bear hug. "Welcome to the family, little sis," he said simply, and grinned his infectious smile at her.

"Thanks Emmett," she said, and kissed him lightly on the cheek before he set her back on her feet.

She turned to face each of us, one by one, as she spoke in a soft but sincere voice. "Thank you all, for taking me in, and looking after me, and for loving me. I love you all too." She seemed uncomfortable with the intensity of the adoring gazes fixed on her, so I rescued her by suggesting a game of scrabble.

The moment was broken, and everything returned to normal then, or, what I hoped would become normal. Esme was still holding my hand tightly, and as everyone settled themselves around the table, laughing, joking, completely content and at ease with each other, we stood back for a moment, just drinking in the happiness and unity in the room. Finally, I gave my mother's hand a quick squeeze, and then we took our seats with our family.


	11. Love Hate Relationship

BPOV

The scrabble game quickly descended into chaos, as Emmett and I complained that Edward and Carlisle were using foreign and archaic words, and they in turn argued that we shouldn't be allowed to use slang. Before long we were all making up words with whatever letters we had, and then coming up with silly meanings for them.

It was the best scrabble game I'd ever played.

Every time anyone met my eyes, I just couldn't help the massive smile that blossomed over my face. It was extraordinary to think that just a few hours ago I had been convinced that none of them truly liked me, that I had been thinking of leaving, and now I had a family, and a place, and a purpose.

All of a sudden my burden of existence had been transformed into a gift of eternal life and love. Mulling over the astonishing changes that had occurred, two things dawned on me.

First was that, finally, I was really ready to write to my human family. Not out of obligation, or guilt, but because I was finally happy enough to let them back into my life, in whatever limited way that was possible.

Secondly, looking around at my new family, I realised that there was not a trace of doubt in me that this was where I belonged, or that I was wanted here. I really did believe that every one of them loved me as much as I loved them back, and that included Edward. Looking into his eyes, it was impossible to think anymore that he did not love me. In fact, I don't know how I ever thought that. It was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes and finally I could see him clearly; the look in his eyes matched the look in Jasper's, when he looked at Alice, or Carlisle's when with Esme. _Edward loves me, _I rolled the words around my head, enjoying the taste of them.

I still didn't regret my earlier decision; we still had too much to learn about each other, as friends, let alone as partners, to make any sort of commitment yet, and I knew that our relationship would end up stronger if we took the time to build it properly now, but it felt good to finally feel that certainty. The next time he leaned over me to brush his fingers along my collarbone – he had been finding excuses to touch me, and had finally given up the pretence and was now simply reaching out to me whenever there was a break in conversation – and whispered in his ear, "I think I understand now. You _do_ love me!"

He smiled ecstatically at me, and said "But of course," in a tone which tried, and failed, to be nonchalant, and then he kissed me tenderly, before turning his attention back to our game. I shot an anxious glance at Alice, but she seemed just as happy as I was. Obviously the no-public-affection rule was no longer necessary, but I leant over to give her a quick hug just in case.

"Don't worry Bella," she whispered in my ear as I embraced her, "I am so totally over the whole you-and-Edward thing. I just want you to be happy! Sorry I overreacted about it before."

We hadn't actually spoken about that yet, and I decided that it was time to finally clear the air.

"There's nothing to forgive Alice! I know that everything you did, you did for me. Hell, how can I complain when you put me ahead of everyone else, even Jasper? You're the most amazing sister I could ever have. I'm just sorry that I've been too insecure to appreciate that before now. Forgive me?"

"Like you said Bella, there's nothing to forgive. And everything turned out for the best in the end."

Alice let me go then, after a last fervent squeeze, and as I turned my attention back to the game, Carlisle caught my eye and gave me an approving nod, pride shining in his golden eyes. He really was growing to be like a father to me, and his approval was as important to me as that of my human parents. I could tell that I was grinning foolishly – for what felt like the thousandth time today – as he and Esme exchanged one of those proud-parent looks.

After a long and blissful day spent just being a family, together, the sun finally set, and pair by pair the family excused themselves for the night. Once more, it was just Edward and I, alone in the living room. I felt a surreal sense of disconnection, as if my life had been tossed in the air by some careless deity and had fallen to earth not quite in the pattern I expected. Everything was outwardly identical to last night; Edward and I alone, the family retreated to their various corners of the vast house, and yet everything was different. Tonight, I would not try to distance myself. Tonight I would not prepare myself to leave. Tonight my conscience was clear. And tonight, after the easy assurance of the day with his family – _our_ family now – after the confessions and declarations of the day just ended, I was suddenly shy. Painfully shy, awkward, and unsure.

So now, when he opened his arms to me, instead of throwing myself into them, as I would have only a night ago, I simply took his hands in mine, and drew him over to the plush couch. He looked puzzled, and a little worried, but he followed me unquestioningly, for which I was grateful.

"I'm sorry Edward. It just doesn't feel right, to carry on as if nothing has changed. I mean, I know that in some ways nothing _has_ changed, for you at least, but in other ways everything is different. It just seems somehow, I don't know, cheap, to just pick up where we left off last night." my lips moved at an incredible speed as I forced out my little speech, scared that he would think I was being silly, or worse still, think that I was rejecting him. He replied almost instantly, but even so I was still so fraught with worry that by the time he spoke a word I had nestled myself into his lap, hoping to assure him of my affection with physical closeness.

"Silly Bella," he said, softening his words with a fond smile, fingers brushing my cheek, "you look so scared. You couldn't possibly be worrying about my reaction to what you just said, could you?" his expression told me that he knew the answer already, but I nodded mutely.

"Of course you could," he continued, his voice still gentle, "you know, it has sometimes occurred to me to wonder whether your deepest trait, the one you brought with you into this life to be magnified a hundredfold, in the way of my mind-reading, or Jasper's empathy, is your ability to worry, and about the silliest things." I thought that maybe I should be offended at being called silly twice in as many minutes, but the feeling just wasn't there; I was so full of love that there was no space for anything else.

"Of course I'm not cross, or hurt, or anything like that, love. Things _have_ changed between us, how could they not have? So, my most perfect darling, this is our chance to start over, make a new habit. What will it be?"

I hesitated a moment even though my mind had already been made up, entirely unsure why I was suddenly so frightened of honesty, after all we had shared; not just today, but over the course of months. Squaring my shoulders as best I could when curled in his lap, I tried to speak confidently, "Could we just... talk, maybe, for a while?" Well, I may have just about succeeded in forcing my voice into some semblance of ease, but the effort was wasted on my diffident choice of words. Why was it that I could blow the smallest things all out of proportion, but when it came to the big stuff, I just couldn't seem to allow myself the appearance of caring?

Edward may not have been able to hear my thoughts, but it was clear that his months of careful awareness of my every mood and gesture had paid off; he seemed to understand instantly all my fears and hesitations, as he gently rushed to reassure me.

"Of course, my love," he responded, sounding for all the world as if he hadn't noticed anything strange in my words, or their delivery. "Much as I have enjoyed getting to know you physically, nothing would give me more pleasure than to be given a glimpse of the world hidden behind those eyes. What would you like to talk about?"

Here was where I got stuck. It was gradually dawning on me that much of our friendship had been based on my seeking his counsel, or advice, or just his attentive listening, none of which really told me anything about him, or helped to build a healthy relationship. I hardly knew him at all, this perfect creature I had given my heart to, knew so little in fact, that given the opportunity to ask anything I wished, I didn't know where to start. I didn't even know enough to know what questions to ask. So I started at the beginning.

"I want to talk about you."

EPOV

I shouldn't be so surprised to hear that, I suppose. Objectively, it is the obvious topic, because that was what young lovers did, they shared themselves. I felt a faint shiver of delight at the way that phrasing had sprung unbidden into my mind – it had been decades since I had felt any hope of being young or in love, and now here I was, infatuated and feeling seventeen again – but it wasn't enough to quell the doubts in my head. It may make rational sense for Bella to want that, but eighty years alone have given me ample time to grow tired of my endlessly unchanging self, and feeling such utter disinterest made it hard for me to believe that anyone could find me interesting. Still, I promised her anything, and if that was what she wanted, then so be it.

"As you wish," I said, quoting our favourite film, "where do you want to start?"

She asked me hundreds of questions, many about my human life, which shouldn't have surprised me, but did. She seemed eager to hear about what life in general, and my life in particular, had been back in the early 1900s, flitting from topic to topic so fast that I couldn't anticipate her questions, and thus prepare my answers. The on-the-spot responses I gave sometimes surprised even me – it was as if the speed of her questioning tapped directly into my unconscious thoughts and feelings, and even into human memories I did not know I still possessed.

In the early hours of the morning, when the sky was darkest, she seemed to suddenly become aware of the time that had passed, and just how long she had spent interrogating me, and she apologised for monopolising our evening. In truth, I hadn't minded in the slightest; it was in fact very flattering to have someone as extraordinary as Bella so fascinated by the minutiae of my life. However, not being able to read her mind continued to be incredibly frustrating for me, and I desperately wanted my own chance to ask her some questions. Different questions to the sort she had asked me, since over the last few months she had told me all about her human life, her feelings about being a vampire, her opinions, and beliefs, and almost every other subject that she had just questioned me on, of her own accord. No, what I wanted from her was different, and I couldn't think quite how to ask, except to just come out with it.

"My turn then," I said, trying to sound calm, but caught in an agony of anticipation over her answer to my next question, unsure of whether she would answer at all, and whether I could bear to hear it if she did, but compelled to take the risk, so great was my obsessive fascination with this mind that I could not read.

"Tell me something about yourself," I began, and she opened her mouth to speak, seemingly relieved that the vagueness of my question allowed her ample room to avoid sensitive subjects, but I held up a hand to silence her; I hadn't finished my question yet. "Tell me something about yourself, that you think I don't want to know."

After a surprisingly short hesitation, she responded, "you have to remember, Edward, that you asked this question. I will be honest with you, but I need to be able to trust that you'll remember the context this comes in."

"I will Bella, I promise that I won't hold anything you say against you."

"And you have to understand, that even when my feelings are about you, they are _my_ feelings, born of all my own insecurities and hang ups." her need to qualify her answer was starting to worry me. It was inevitable that any answer to that question was likely to be painful, but exactly how bad was this going to be? I nodded in answer to her question, not trusting my voice, and waited for her to continue.

"I love you Edward. It is difficult, sometimes, for me to say that out loud, to expose myself like that, but it is true. I love you with such painful intensity that sometimes it scares me, and sometimes... sometimes it makes me hate you too. I hate that you have so much power over me. I hate that I need you so much that I would do _anything_ just to be with you. I hate that my entire existence revolves around just one thing, and it is something I have no hope of controlling. I hate how pathetically dependent on you I am, I hate that I need you just to keep living, and I hate that my consideration for your needs so totally outweighs my self-preservation, that I would leave you, and destroy myself in the process, if it was what you wanted.

"I hate that you killed me, and I hate that I'm grateful that you did, because it means I have a chance at forever with you. I hate that I loved you even from the first moment I saw you, so much that I forgave you, and let you into my house to kill me, and I hate that that you didn't feel the same, that you wanted my blood more than you wanted me, and that until that blood was gone, you could have cared less about the rest of me " her voice was choked with emotion, and I could feel her shoulders heave as she suppressed sobs. The words she spoke became muffled as she curled on her side, burying her head in my stomach. I hated not being able to see her face, but I contented myself with knowing that, in extremis, she had turned towards me for comfort, rather than away.

"I hate that I am so utterly, totally helpless in the face of my love." she continued, her muted voice thick with rage and misery, "loving you makes me weak, and I hate that you know that. I was so independent my whole human life, it is the only way I know how to be, and I hate that I can't be anymore. I hate needing you, and more than that, I hate not knowing if you need me back."

I felt a sense of release in her words, and was oddly reminded of her outburst the first day I had met her as a vampire, the day she had asked me to kill her. The same weight of absolute truth rang in her words. She was right in thinking this was not something I had wanted to hear; I had been alone for so long that, unlike her, this love was everything I wanted. I craved our closeness, our dependence on each other, I loved knowing that she was the other half of me, the one who completed me. Yes, this was something I had not wanted to hear, but it was something I needed to know, something that would have a bearing on how I should go about loving my Bella. I thought back to my flash of insight the previous morning, my sense that she had needed to redress the balance of power between us, and now I knew why.

"I think I understand what you're saying Bella," I kept my voice gentle; she seemed more shocked by her outburst than I was, and I wanted to reassure her that she didn't need to fear loving me, "I feel that terrifying intensity of love as well. I can honestly say that I would do anything for you. But there is one thing I can't agree with you on. I don't hate being so dependent on you for my happiness, for my very being; I have spent close to ninety years hearing the same obsessive loving in the thoughts of my family, and wishing that I had it for myself. No matter how scary it is to have so little control over my life, I can't regret this now I have it." To my delight, she turned her head towards me, and I could see her face once more. She seemed calm, despite the emotion of her words, and I hoped this meant that she trusted me with her confession.

"You see, Bella, this is the way it is supposed to be; I love you, I need you, and I can't exist without you. You have absolute power over me, but that is ok, because I know you love me too, I know you want what is best for me, even when I don't. I may have your heart in the palm of my hand, Bella, but you have mine, so there is no imbalance between us. I know that we have so much difficult history that I can't expect you to trust me to love you the way you need to be loved, the way I trust you to love me, but I hope that someday you will. And until that day I will spend every second I have proving to you that I won't betray your love." she was still cradled in my lap, staring up at me with wide doe eyes that I could not look away from.

"But how can I be sure?" she asked, plaintively, "how do I know you really love me, the way I love you? Maybe you're only _trying_ to love me, because you want so much to be in love and I'm just convenient. How would I know?"

I sighed. What she was suggesting was perfectly plausible, of course. Having been alone for so long, it wouldn't be a stretch to imagine that, even had I not loved Bella the way I do, I would still have tried to make things work between us – for the sake of our family, and also to assuage some of my loneliness. There was only one thing I could tell her to prove that that wasn't the case.

"Bella, this is hard for me to tell you, because I worry that you'll take this the wrong way, but if that was going to happen, then it would have by now. Has anyone mentioned to you the Denali clan here in Alaska?" she shook her head quizzically, so I explained, "they are the only other group of vampires we know of who live like we do, as vegetarians. There are five of them – Carmen, Eleazar, Kate, Irina, and... Tanya. We lived with them for a short time, before we became too conspicuous, and during that time Tanya made it very obvious that she was, how shall I say it, attracted to me. Both Emmett and Jasper suggested to me that even if I didn't feel the same way, I could at least take her up on her offer of companionship – they have hated to see me so alone – and perhaps in time I would grow to love her anyway. I tried for a while, but I just couldn't do it." Bella was staring at me with incredulity, and I couldn't blame her. In the past I had always implied that this was my first ever relationship – to me it was, since I never counted the thing with Tanya as anything more than a friendship – but I knew how it must sound to her.

"If the circumstances, last night, had been more appropriate for humour, I would have laughed when you told me what a good actor you thought I was, because, in truth, I was _terrible_ at pretending that I was happy with Tanya. In the end, she broke it off, before I had a chance to, because she said it was just so obvious that my heart wasn't in it. We never got further than kissing – something Emmett has never ceased teasing me about – but I didn't regret that, even when I had lost all hope that I would ever find anyone that I did love. I know that, these days especially, not everyone shares my belief that sex should be a sacred thing, shared only by people who love each other absolutely," I did not mention my further preference, for abstinence before marriage, because I did not want her to think I looked down on her for making it obvious that she did not want to wait.

"But I think that I would rather have gone forever with out experiencing physical love, than have experienced it devoid of the true love that I feel should go with it. I have done a lot of things in my long life that I am not proud of, but it has always been a relief to know that in one way, at least, I was still pure. It gave me hope that someday, when my love came along, there would be at least one way in which I was worthy of her. Of you." Bella's eyes, still gazing into mine, softened, and she seemed reassured of my affections. For now at least. I sensed that her insecurities ran deep, and that I would have to spend a great deal of time reassuring her before she would be able to truly trust me.

It had been a long night, and though we had no need to sleep, she seemed as exhausted as I by the emotional roller-coaster we had been through during the last few days. Taking care not to jostle her in the slightest, I stood up, still cradling her against my chest, and carried her upstairs to lay her on my bed. Still fully clothed, I lay beside her chastely, pulling the blanket up to cover us. I loved how naturally our bodies fitted together as we spooned, her back pressed into my torso, my chin resting on her head – perfectly positioned to inhale breath after breath of her glorious scent. I draped an arm over her, and she clutched it tightly to her chest. Of course, we could not sleep, but we lay there in comfortable silence until the sun came up.


	12. Truth

BPOV

The next day started more quietly than the last. I was wrapped in a warm glow of contentment after not-sleeping with Edward for the last few hours; it had been wonderfully relaxing to lie cradled in his arms and watch the sun rise. As soon as we heard movement downstairs, we grudgingly got up, and I went to my room to change into some less wrinkled clothes. Once again my excessively flamboyant wardrobe hampered me, and so I heard Edward go downstairs whilst I was still choosing clothes. I was in a good mood, and wanted to share it, so instead of ignoring the huge wardrobe of garments I had amassed in favour of jeans and a sweatshirt, I found a casual, but pretty floor length skirt in a rich brown suede, and a delicate white gypsy blouse, hoping that Alice would approve of the combination, and knowing that at the very least she would be pleased that I had made an effort.

When I got downstairs, everyone was waiting for me. Alice let out a proud squeal when she saw me, and I'm sure I heard her mutter something about me being 'all grown up', but I chose to ignore that comment. Edward's gaze was appreciative, and I couldn't resist the urge to build a slight sensuous swing into my walk as I descended the stairs, which I ruined by giggling when Emmett winked at me, with a nod of his head towards Edward's rapt face.

When had reached the bottom of the stairs, Carlisle asked me what I would like to do today, and instead of simply agreeing to do whatever everyone else wanted, as I normally would, my newfound confidence with my family prompted me to actually answer honestly.

Now that I found myself truly contented with my life, it finally sank in that my objections to feeding didn't come from some deep-seated morality – after all, it wasn't like I hadn't eaten plenty of meat as a human, and if anything vampire feeding was more ethical, since we could ensure that our kills felt no pain, and everything we ate was free range – it had simply stemmed from my inner discontentment with my life. Refusing to hunt had been the only way I could establish control over what I was, and had also been the easiest way to deny what had happened to me.

But I was happy now. I had accepted my transformation, and I was surprisingly pleased with it; despite everything I had lost, it was hard to complain about never needing to sleep, or use the bathroom, being strong and beautiful and young and – the biggest novelty for clumsy old me – graceful forever. That was _forever, _by the way. What idiot wouldn't want to be immortal after all? 'Cause yeah, I was really looking forward to dying some painful mortal death some day. All in all, I had little to complain about, and realising that I finally lost all vestiges of my hunting-phobia.

Now that _that _ was all sorted, it hit me how truly thirsty I was. Well, Carlisle had asked me what I wanted to do today, so why not try hunting now?

"Um, actually I'm kinda thirsty..." Understatement of the century. My eyes had been literally pitch black for at least three weeks now. In fact my extreme resistance to my thirst was actually making Jasper uncomfortable – he had enough experience with newborns to know that my self control was incredibly unusual, and I could practically feel him waiting for me to finally crack and let loose with some horrific display of blood-lust.

Emmett instantly turned towards the door, saying, "don't worry Bella, I'll go get you something right away,"

"Actually..." he was already halfway across the room, but he turned back to listen to me, "Could I come with you? It's kinda messy eating in the house and, well, I thought maybe I could get my own food now? After all, isn't that kinder to the animal than knocking it out and dragging it back here for me to make a complete mess of? In fact, on that note, I suppose I could really do with someone to teach me how to, maybe, do things a bit more cleanly?"

I don't think they could have looked more surprised if I had turned into a were-chicken and started salsa-dancing, (oh yeah, apparently werewolves are real. Don't know about were-chickens though) and Carlisle rushed to reassure me that there was no need for me to hurry into this if I wasn't one hundred percent ready.

I assured him that I was certain I wanted this, and Emmett in his usual imperturbable fashion offered to take me right to his favourite grizzly-hunting place.

Alice objected instantly though, "Yeah, great idea Emmett, except that she wanted to learn to do this _without_ making a mess, and you're hardly the world's most delicate eater. Besides, she'll learn far more from me than from a hulking great beast like you, us little people do things differently after all!"

I chuckled at that, since everyone except Alice and Esme was at least nine or ten inches taller than me.

Esme piped up then, saying that if Alice was going to take me, then perhaps her and Rosalie should come along as well, so that we could have some much needed girls' time. Alice, Rosalie and I agreed readily, though Emmett and Edward both looked left out by this. I decided to tease them a little.

"Hey, don't look so glum. With all of us gone, you can have a nice manly day together, y'know, watch sports, and grunt a lot," Edward scowled – although he enjoyed playing sports, he hated watching them as much as I did, and Emmett's very vocal enthusiasm when watching a game only made things worse.

Esme, Rosalie, Alice and I left then, our mischievous peals of laughter breaking into the shocked silence that followed my comment. I decided that I had obviously been too meek around the Cullens so far, if they were so surprised at my sudden display of sarcasm. We continued to joke around as we ran deep into the forest, for which I was very grateful; despite my resolve, I was still quite nervous about finally learning to hunt for myself, and the humour kept me from dwelling too much on what I was about to do.

In the end, it wasn't that bad. I discovered that deer tasted ever so slightly better freshly caught, and despite making a huge mess of both myself and the first two animals I took down, I was pleased when with Alice's guidance I finally learned how to kill cleanly on my third attempt. I did kind of wish that I hadn't chosen my first day wearing nicer clothes to also be my first day hunting, but it wasn't like I didn't have enough clothes not to miss these. And at least now I knew that having done it once, it would not be difficult for me to manage similarly painless, and tidy, kills in future.

And yeah, I did understand now what everyone meant when they talked about the thrill of the hunt. It was like the first time I had gone running with Edward (something I could remember painlessly now that I understood his real motivations – it was kinda sweet really, the way he protected my honour so ardently) but magnified exponentially. Everything was wonderfully simple when hunting; the world narrowed to just me and my prey, I was no longer a person, simply a nexus of instinct and sensation, desire and satisfaction.

And, as expected, the satisfaction of one desire brought another to the fore. I suddenly wanted Edward, really wanted him, and if it hadn't been for the way Esme's eyes had lit up when she suggested our girls-only day, I would have run straight home to him.

Though, on reflection, perhaps I was glad he wasn't there. I was a bit of a mess... clothes shredded and plastered with blood and mud. In fact, when I realised exactly how dishevelled I was, I begged Alice to sneak home and bring me some clothes, knowing that she would choose something utterly impractical, but deciding that even the most outrageously skimpy items she had foisted on me would be less revealing than the tatters I was wearing now. And sure enough, I noticed a wicked glee in her eyes as she ran off.

When she returned with a floor length blue satin gown and stilettos, I was still horrified though. I didn't even want to imagine how much the dress had cost, but knowing Alice, I could have bought a small country for less, and I was going to ruin it by slipping it over my filthy body.

We compromised; she found me a stream so that I could wash off the worst of the muck, but wouldn't let me keep my sneakers or go barefoot. Even though I knew that I was far too graceful to struggle with even the highest heels, and far too resilient to so much twist an ankle if I did manage to fall off them, I couldn't shake my inbuilt aversion to stilettos. I gritted my teeth and reminded myself that Alice and I were sisters now, which meant doing each other favours, like wearing ridiculous footwear, and tried to put a brave face on it. Even so, Rosalie sniggered at my expression when I warily regarded my stilettoed feet, as if expecting them to betray me at any moment, and even Esme seemed to struggle to keep a straight face.

I was grateful that as a vampire I found standing exactly as comfortable and restful as sitting, since there was no way I was subjecting this dress to the forest floor, even if I had been sure that I could so much as breathe deeply without splitting the seams. I would never say this to Alice, for fear that she would see it as encouragement, but the dress _was_ gorgeous, and the heels were just high enough to keep the hem from dragging on the floor. The neckline plunged shamelessly, but somehow managed to conceal the fact that I had no bust to speak of, and it was held in place by a precarious-looking (but I was assured, quite sturdy) ribbon which tied behind my neck. It was backless, showing off the graceful arch of my back and shoulders, and the cool night air on my bare skin reminded me of the way Edward's powerful fingers had caressed me there just days ago. I couldn't get over how sensuously the full skirt swirled around me when I moved, and I don't think I was entirely successful in hiding the provocative swish that made its way into my walk, or the way I kept glancing down to appreciate the way my gliding made the fabric undulate around me, alternately clinging to show off the delicate line of my legs, and draping in a graceful A-line.

After a while we came to a clearing, and both Alice and Rosalie eyed me mischievously as Esme suggested that we stop there and chat for a while.

"We _could_ just talk, of course," said Alice, the wicked gleam in her eyes making me nervous now.

"Or we could play a little game..." I caught a hint of collusion in the way Rosalie finished Alice's sentence. Esme looked puzzled, and I wasn't sure whether to be reassured that the conspiracy hadn't spread that far, or worried that whatever game they were suggesting was something Esme wouldn't necessarily approve of. I settled on the worry.

"And precisely what did you have in mind? I assume you're going somewhere specific with this..." I tried to keep my nerves from creeping into my voice, but figured that I had failed as miserably as usual when Alice let out a quickly suppressed giggle.

"Well, you're just so quiet Bella! Even after all this time we feel like we hardly know anything about you, and since you don't seem to eager to volunteer much information, we figured it we could either torture it out of you, or..."

Yeah, remind me never to play 'truth or dare' again until I learn how to lie convincingly. Ok, ok, I know, the whole point is honesty, but really, everyone lies in that game.

Except me, since after the first few attempts I realised I had no hope of getting away with it.

So, we started off with the standards – first kiss, first crush, first boyfriend, that sort of stuff – and I was pleasantly surprised to find that here at least was a group of people who wouldn't make me feel woefully naïve and inexperienced about my answers to those questions. After all, both Rosalie and Esme had lived in times when it was not unusual to marry your first boyfriend, and get engaged (or even married) before your first kiss, and Alice couldn't remember any of her human life, so her romantic history literally began and ended with Jasper. So, if I couldn't convincingly invent myself some torrid human sex life, at least I wasn't looked down on for my inexperience. In fact, they teased me more about the lies, than they did about the honest answers I finally gave.

I also learnt a few things I really wasn't expecting, and gradually realised that although things stayed mostly light-hearted and giggly, as befits our girly outing, this wasn't just a game. They wanted to know me, and they wanted me to know them, the good and the bad.

Both Esme's and Rosalie's recollections of their human relationships made me see them through new eyes, and I was astonished at their candour, and their strength. Alice's past was, in some ways, even more shocking – if Rosalie could recall with unwelcome clarity her awful experiences, how much worse must Alice's human life have been if she couldn't remember a single moment of it?

I felt remarkably young as I recounted the minor stresses and woes of my life – the ditzy mother, the feeling of never having fitted in, the misery of moving away from my beloved desert to soggy old Forks – but they listened with flattering attention, and just as much understanding and sympathy as I had given to their tales, as if they really didn't think that my life for all its dullness was worth any less consideration than their own.

After I refused to do the very first dare of the game, which incidentally was to sneak in on Emmett in the shower, with a camera, (and yeah, I guess I should have known that they wouldn't let me escape an embarrassing truth with anything less than an utterly humiliating dare) it became more of a game of truth. Eventually it morphed more into a generalised question and answer session than anything as ritualised as a game, and after we got all the emotional life stories (and embarrassing past-relationship questions) out of the way, I finally got up the courage to ask a few questions of my own.

"Um, this question is for all of you I guess, but what are your most and least favourite bits about being, you know, like us?" they all found it hysterical that I struggled to say the word 'vampire' with any degree of nonchalance, so I had given up saying it altogether, with only slightly less mocking as a result; and true to form, they didn't let my evasion go unnoticed this time either.

"You mean, being a woman?" Esme teased good-naturedly, and I knew she was deliberately misunderstanding me.

"No!" Alice chimed in, "She means being American,"

"Or was it being hot?" was Rosalie's input

"Or in love?" even when joking, Esme's romantic nature showed through

"Or vegetarian?" as did Rosalie's matter-of-factness

"Or awesomely dressed," and Alice's inability to drop the whole fashion thing for even five minutes.

After few more rounds of fun at my expense, I couldn't take it anymore. "C'mon guys, its great that we have so much in common and all, but you _know_ what I meant. I've answered all of your humiliating questions, can't you even answer one of mine?"

Irrepressible as ever, Alice answered with mock thoughtfulness, "you know, I think technically that was two questions..."

I growled at her playfully, and Esme kindly interrupted then to save me from further teasing.

"Well, I love my family most, I guess,"

"That's not a vampire thing, humans get that too!" Rosalie protested.

"Fine, then I suppose the fact that I never have to worry about any of you getting sick or old, and now that Bella is with us," she gave me a happy smile, which almost managed to erase the pain in her eyes which had obviously come from the memory of her human son, "I don't have to worry about any of you being alone either. And the bad thing? Well, I miss cooking. I know it sounds silly, but one of my strongest memories of my mother is of her in the kitchen, and sometimes I wish I could just go and bake you all a bunch of cookies or something." I smiled fondly at her, and told her that I missed cooking – and feeding people – as well. I felt a slight pang when I thought of Charlie having to manage on his own (I had been planning to take over the cooking when I moved in with him, and save him from a steak-related heart attack), but I reminded myself that he had managed for years without me, and with a flash of inspiration I decided to send him a few of my easier recipes when I wrote to him.

"I can't remember being human," Alice said, with a trace of regret, "so I think my least favourite is food-related too. It would be nice to eat human stuff, blood is nice and all, but a bit tedious. I think my favourite is the physical stability. I have no experience of getting ill, or injured, or old, but I've seen it happen to other people, and it doesn't look fun. I like knowing that I'll always be exactly this size, this shape, this apparent age, this fit, this healthy. I like how I am, and I like that I don't have to change, ever. Also, can you imagine the stress of replacing my entire wardrobe if I changed a dress size?" I gasped in mock-horror, and Alice threw a twig at me, sticking her tongue out playfully.

"Sorry to be a bore," Rosalie said, "but my favourite is the same. I've always been pretty vain, and as a human the thought of getting older, and someday not being the most beautiful any more, wasn't something I ever let myself even think about. Now I don't have to think about it. My biggest regret is kind of the same thing though, I suppose. I wish that I could get older, and grow up, and change. I love Emmett, and I'm happy with him, but I wish more than anything that we could have children, and grand children, and grow old together."

Esme took Rosalie's hand, and squeezed it sympathetically. It was obvious that this was a shared regret.

I was so caught up in the moment that somehow I managed not to realise what was coming next. When Alice chimed up I inwardly cursed myself for not having thought things through before I asked my question.

"What about you Bella? What's your favourite, and least favourite? I sighed, which was a mistake, since three pairs of eyes suddenly turned from casually curious to avid when they detected my unwillingness to answer.

"Well, I suppose the thing I miss, other than what you guys have already said, is sleeping. Don't get me wrong, I like not _having_ to sleep, it does waste a lot of time, but I'd like to have the option." I was thinking about lying in bed that morning with Edward, and how nice it would have been to drift to sleep that way. "There's something really nice about waking up all warm and snugly on a morning when you know you don't have to get up, and just lying there for a while. But then, thinking about it, my mum always told me that I talked in my sleep, and I think I'd die of embarrassment if any of you ever heard that."

"And you just know Edward would have hovered over you every night if he knew that!" I nodded my agreement, hoping the change of subject would prevent anyone from noticing that I had only answered half of the question.

"I know!" I exclaimed, "he's never got over not being able to hear my thoughts, could you imagine him with a nightly pass to the all new thrill ride 'Bella's Subconscious'? Yeah, to hell with that," I felt only slightly awkward swearing in front of Esme, and far more comfortable than I would have been before today. It had been an enlightening experience, to finally learn about Esme-the-person, rather than just Esme-the-mother. "even if I could sleep, I guess I wouldn't, not unless I knew that there was no chance of Edward catching me. And," I continued, muttering shyly, but inspired by our newfound closeness to add a little more honesty than I normally would, "what would be the fun of sleeping, if I could never wake up next to Edward?" I ducked my head, embarrassed, but the laughs I heard were soft and sympathetic, rather than mocking.

"So," I continued, eager to move the conversation away from dangerous areas, "next question. I was wondering..."

"Yeah right Bella!" Alice interrupted me, "you really think I didn't notice you not-answering back there?"

"Yeah," Rosalie joined in, "fess up Bella, you've told us what you don't like, now what _do_ you like about being a vampire?" I tried not to cringe at the word, and tried even harder not to flinch away from the question, but I failed miserably on both counts. I didn't hold out much hope of getting away with a lie, it hadn't worked yet this evening after all, but it was my only hope of skirting the hopelessly mortifying true answer to that question.

"Well, obviously, I love not being terminally clumsy any more!"

"Mm hmm," Alice said sceptically, "yeah, lovely. Now what's the _real_ answer?"

"What," I interjected, "you don't think I enjoy being able to walk over a flat surface without tripping over my own feet?"

"No..." Alice said patiently, as if I was being deliberately obtuse. Fair, I suppose, since I was being. "but I think there's something else you like _more."_

"Dare," I whispered hopelessly, resolving that I would do anything to avoid answering that particular question, even if it involved scary naked Emmett.

"What?" asked Rosalie.

"I'm not answering. Give me a dare instead."

"ok," Alice said, with a worrying degree of equanimity, considering that just seconds before she had practically ordered me to answer the question, "I dare you to answer that question!" she grinned as my face fell. I looked pleadingly to Esme, hoping she would intervene and save me, but she seemed just as intrigued as Alice and Rosalie.

"That's against the rules," I objected petulantly.

"It isn't like we were playing any more anyway!" Alice's voice raised an octave or two in frustration.

"Then I don't have to answer, do I?" I matched her raise in pitch, and threw in a few extra decibels for good measure.

"If you don't," that stony calm was back, which scared me, though under other circumstances the way that she was pointedly inspecting her fingernails with practised nonchalance would have made me laugh, "I'll tell Edward you wouldn't answer, and he'll _make_ you tell!" her voice rang with triumph as her threat produced the acquiescence she sought. She had obviously figured out that the only thing worse to me than her hearing the answer to that question would be Edward hearing it.

"Fine," I muttered in defeat, "My favourite thing about being a vampire," in my frustration my voice had gained a ring of defiance, and even the dreaded v-word didn't bother me, "is Edward, ok? Yes, I really am that pathetic and lovestruck. Cue the laughter." I looked at my feet, refusing to meet anyone's eyes, waiting for the teasing and mocking to begin, but it never did.

"Why would we laugh at you for that Bella?" Esme asked kindly, "We think it is wonderful that you are both so happy together. You can't imagine how pleased Edward will be to hear it; he's feeling very insecure you know."

"What?" I half-shouted in panic, "no, what are you talking about? You can't tell him that!" Alice met my eyes with a significant glance, and I suddenly realised how skilfully I had been tricked, because of course, in telling Alice, Rosalie and Esme, I hadn't been avoiding telling Edward the mortifying truth, I had been delivering it right into his hands. The second any of them so much as thought about this conversation in his presence, he would hear it.

Damn.


	13. Power

BPOV

To their credit, they all managed to go several days without ratting me out with their thoughts. In fact, I had just begun to hope that I had gotten away with my careless display of obsession, when Edward found out.

It wasn't hard to tell when that happened. We were watching a film, when all of a sudden Edward's head jerked up in surprise and he shot Rosalie a questioning look, breathing the word 'favourite' almost inaudibly. She nodded infinitesimally to him, before meeting my gaze apologetically. The glare I returned was furious, but obviously neither Rosalie nor Alice found my rage in the least bit terrifying, since they both burst into peals of helpless laughter. I remembered Edward telling me that my presence had brought them closer, and sighed, _I created a monster, _I thought, _a pair of monsters._ Then Edward turned to whisper in my ear and my fury dissipated as if it had never been.

"You're my favourite too," he said, simply, and my heart melted with love and joy, and just the slightest demanding hint of something else. I nodded my head pointedly towards the stairs and shot him a distinctly lascivious look, before excusing myself and heading for his room. I don't know what excuse he came up with to explain our sudden departure, or if he even bothered, but no sooner had I settled myself comfortably on his wide bed, than he was there beside me, and the door was swinging closed.

"We needed to talk about what you just heard Rosalie think, so we came upstairs," I breathed, so quietly that my words wouldn't be heard downstairs. He seemed confused by my use of the past tense.

"We sat up here and talked for hours. Lots of very important and meaningful things about our relationship." I ran my hands down his chest, and then slipped them underneath his shirt, hoping he'd finally get the hint. "it was a very... useful conversation." as I spoke I rolled his nipples between my fingers, eliciting a fervent moan.

"Now now," I breathed into his ear, leaning over him, "that doesn't sound much like talking, does it?" He shook his head, and I could tell that he was struggling not to cry out, something that I found most satisfying.

"Jasper will know!" he groaned between gritted teeth.

"But he is too much of a gentleman to tell anyone, isn't he?" I was proud of how coolly level my voice was, enjoying my utter dominance over his body.

"What happened to slowly?" he moaned in a last desperate attempt to regain some measure of control over the situation, but I wasn't having that. I had spent weeks bowing and scraping and praying for every little kiss. Now it was his turn to beg.

"We've been over this Edward," I said, in the most seductive voice I could muster, "This territory is _mine._" I echoed my words with a physical display of my claim; straddling him and pinning him to the bed, accidentally-on-purpose grinding my hips into his a little in the process. That last gesture was too much for him, and he flung his head back into the pillows, eyes fluttering closed in ecstasy. I growled softly, enjoying the feeling of absolute power, when he attempted to squeeze out one last sentence before surrendering to incoherence.

"You win... but only..." he was panting with the effort of keeping quiet, "if I get to... see you... in that dress!" he gave me an only slightly strained version of his trademark crooked grin and managed a wink before his eyes drifted shut again. Trust Edward to try to get the last word.

Despite all my instructions to the contrary, I fully expected everyone downstairs to hear what we were doing before long – I just knew it would be far more fun to tease those delicious moans out of him if he was doing his best to suppress them. I was a little surprised at the way I was asserting myself, not entirely certain whether it was newborn passion, confidence borne of the events of the past few days, or simply that I trusted Edward enough now to abandon my passivity. Probably it was a combination of all of these, but all I knew was that I wanted to conquer him utterly, and I was determined to get my way.

I started slowly, wanting to draw this experience out for as long as possible. I kissed him, lightly, pulling away when he tried to deepen the kiss. He reached out to me, but I grasped his wrists in an unbreakable hold and pinned them to the bed, holding him helpless and immobile. I relished my newborn strength, knowing that before long I wouldn't be able to subdue him so easily, but making the most of it while I still could. I kissed him again and again, always refusing his searching tongue entrance. I nibbled his lower lip experimentally, and discovered that I enjoyed it. From the way his hips bucked beneath me, I gathered that he appreciated the sensation too, so I sucked and tugged at it for several minutes, feeling a barely suppressed growl building in his chest. When a low moan finally broke out of him I nipped the flesh still caught between my teeth firmly to chastise him, and giggled wickedly when he let out a soft, whispered, yelp.

"Naughty, naughty, Edward!" I couldn't help the note of triumph in my voice. _Bella- 1, Edward- 0_, I thought, "you're meant to be staying quiet, remember? Or did you want to have _that_ conversation with Emmett this evening?" it was hitting below the belt, I knew, since Edward was utterly mortified every time Emmett brought up the topic of our sex life. Not that I enjoyed it either, but just at the moment, I really didn't care.

He bit his lip in an obvious effort to remain silent, and I tsk'd and informed him that I was the only one allowed to do that. Since I wouldn't let him do it himself, and he obviously thought that having his lip bitten would aid him in his quest for silence, I nibbled it for him. It didn't work as well as I had hoped, and before long I had another moan to chastise him for. Some might say I took a bit too much pleasure in disciplining him, but Edward only sighed mournfully through gritted teeth as I pinned his arms beneath my knees, freeing my hands to give him a playful pinch as punishment for his outburst.

Having my hands free presented me with a whole host of new and exciting possibilities for torment, and I wound one hand into his hair, tugging his head firmly to the side to bare his neck to my teeth. I kissed and nibbled at every inch of exposed flesh between his jaw and shoulder, giving it my undivided attention, feeling his reactions in every inch of my body, and time and again I pushed him to the very limit of his control with lips that were rapidly becoming expert in the giving of both pleasure and pain. I alternated tender kisses with almost-violent bites to keep him on his toes – metaphorically at least – and several times I came close to breaking his skin with my teeth. Still, in spite of the pain and exquisite helplessness, I could feel that he was incredibly aroused by my attentions.

Once I had exhausted the possibilities presented to me by his face and neck, it occurred to me that his shirt was most definitely in the way of what I wanted to do next. I lifted my weight slightly in order to pull his shirt out from where it was trapped beneath my knees, and this proved to be my undoing, as he used my moment of inattention to overpower me, rolling over on the bed until I was trapped beneath him. I struggled, but rather ineffectually, as I discovered that I quite liked being crushed into the bed under his weight. I felt deliciously manhandled as he forced my arms behind my back, rendering them useless to my escape attempts, and incidentally causing my back to arch, thrusting my breasts forward invitingly. He growled low in his throat, his wild eyes burning into mine with intoxicating lust. Knowing that I was the cause of that lust, that I had provoked him into this state of uncontrollable need, sent shivers of anticipation through me. I was drunk on desire, waiting impatiently for him to exact his revenge.

I didn't have to wait long, as in one swift movement he tore away both my top and bra, leaving them in tatters on the floor. I parted my lips in shock, but he clamped his hand over my mouth, whispering in my ear with just enough menace to be irresistibly erotic, "I believe this also comes under the heading of 'claimed territory' doesn't it? That was a fun little game you played just now, I wouldn't mind having a go myself..." he tailed off suggestively, and I realised that, just as I had done to him, he was determined to tease and torment me until I could not keep myself from crying out in pleasure.

I thought briefly of the family sitting downstairs from us, considered the humiliation of having my every orgasmic moan heard by seven other people, and discovered that the thought only heightened my need. As seductive as it was being helpless before Edward, the knowledge of our utter lack of privacy only served to enhance my feelings of vulnerability. Still, I wasn't going to give up our game that easily, so I resolved to at the very least hold out longer than he had without crying out.

Unfortunately, I was pathetically susceptible to his attention, and it took only one passionate kiss, his hands wound almost painfully tight into my hair, before I could not contain my growl of lust. His triumphant chuckle at my speedy capitulation incensed me, however, and I used what little potential for movement Edward's embrace allowed me to rock my hips slightly, grinding into him, and provoking a mirroring growl from him.

"You'll pay for that Isabella Swan," he muttered, though the lust in his voice somewhat spoiled his attempt to sound angry, "this is _my _turn."

After what I'd done to him earlier, I didn't dare bite my lip to try to suppress my vocal response to him, but I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists, clenched everything in fact, until my entire body was wound as tightly as steel cable, but still Edward continued his assault on my senses, beyond the point where I thought that I would snap from the tension.

Careful never to shift his weight enough for me to be able to squirm from beneath him, he covered every inch of my neck and shoulders in agonisingly soft kisses, paying particularly ardent attention to the prominent lines of my collarbones. His progress was as slow and unstoppable as the flow of a glacier, and as powerful as a raging forest fire. He was a force of nature, and even though his steady, measured advance gave me ample time to anticipate his eventual conquest of my waiting breasts, there was no way I could have prepared myself for the sheer overwhelming sensation when he finally lowered his face from my neck to take my right nipple between teeth that were carefully sheathed by his lips, a detail I appreciated when moments later he clamped his jaw shut over my deliciously sensitive flesh with a force that would have torn the skin had his teeth been bare.

Even as the sensation was so intense as to be almost painful, I found myself wanting more. I arched my back, hoping to communicate my desires to him, without opening my mouth, since I knew that if I relaxed the crushing tension in my jaws for even a second, I would concede yet more ground to him, and I wasn't ready to lose, just yet.

I almost regretted my silent request when the pressure on my nipple increased, sending shivers of beautiful agony over every inch of my body. I was trembling now from the effort to remain quiet, and I think Edward could tell how close I was to my limit, because he mercifully released me then, to whisper in my ear.

"Impressive, Bella. You are obviously a more worthy opponent than I expected." I didn't dare grin, for fear of releasing all my built up tension if I relaxed the set of my jaw, but inwardly I crowed, _another point to Bella!_

"Don't get your hopes up though, my love, because I promise that you have more than met your match in me." I quivered in a mix of fear and desire at the determination in his voice, and decided that even if I was destined to lose this battle of wills, at the very least I would enjoy doing it.

More than once his deft manipulation of my flesh reminded me of the precise but passionate workings of his fingers when he played the piano. I wondered absently if some of his skill stemmed from his musical abilities, and decided that if it did, I would buy enough different instruments to make up an orchestra, just to experience more varieties of this incomprehensibly intense pleasure. He played me like an instrument, and before long, I gave in to the urge to respond like one, allowing his touches to tease a symphony of cries, moans and growls from my throat. When I had submitted utterly to his touch, relaxing the tension in my muscles and becoming limply pliant in his arms, he released me from his steely grip, giving him greater freedom of movement, and opening up a multitude of new opportunities to his dexterous fingers and demanding lips.

I barely noticed when he tore away my skirt and underwear with the same forceful lust as he had disposed of my other clothes, and I was laid bare before him. I could not spare a thought to worry that the ungraceful sprawl of my limbs may not display my body to its best advantage, or to be embarrassed as the heady smell of sex permeated the air, making obvious my disgraceful wetness. I was, however, coherent enough to notice the discrepancy between his clothing and my nakedness, and I still possessed enough control over my body to reach out and rectify that problem, tearing every garment from his body with laughable ease.

I had thought that my lust, my need, my sheer physical longing for him could not be any stronger. I had thought that the wild burning desire in his eyes could not rage any hotter. I had thought that the world would collapse under the sheer weight of our passion. I was wrong.

As I felt his body against mine, every inch of skin bare between us, every flimsy barrier of clothing torn away, what I felt exploded, became instantly deeper, broader, huger. I felt as though my soul had expanded to encompass the sheer magnitude of what I felt. Edward's eyes seared into mine; infinite golden pools of absolute need, and I suddenly became intensely aware that in removing his clothes I had released his erection, and it was now nestled teasingly between my legs, its tip poised at my entrance. From the look on Edward's face, I knew that it would take only the slightest encouragement on my part for him to lose control completely.

I was on the very brink of giving him that encouragement, when I suddenly remembered some of the things he had told me the night before. Three points in particular stood out to me; first, that like me, Edward was a virgin. Second, that in spite of the changing times, he still clung to his belief that sex was not something to be trivialised or rushed into, and third, that he was proud of having remained a virgin – proud that in one way at least, he was still pure.

Of course, this was different the other opportunities of this kind he had faced; he loved me. We were soul-mates, so sex would be an expression of our love, not anything dirty or sordid. But still, I got the feeling that when he imagined making love to me for the first time, this was not what he pictured.

If I was honest, it wasn't what I had pictured either. This afternoon, though I was ashamed to admit it, had not been about love. It had been about power, and revenge, and resentment. I felt so desperately out of balance with him, so disarmed by my love for him that it scared me, and as I had confessed to him last night, sometimes I couldn't help resenting him for it. Tormenting him the way I had, well it seemed like an ideal way for me to exercise my power in our relationship harmlessly, and it had been a pretty wonderful experience. But I was fairly sure that I didn't want it to end in sex.

Well, that was a lie. A very strong part of me practically demanded sex, right now, but I reminded myself that I was in a relationship now, and this wasn't just about me, it was about us, and this would be bad for us. Doing this now, would be something Edward would regret, and if Edward was unhappy, so was I.

Besides, it wasn't hard to agree with his point of view; I wanted our first time to be special. I wanted it to be an act of love, not of resentment. I wanted to go into it feeling that I had nothing more to prove than my love. Edward had not said so in words, but his old-fashioned morality implied that he would want sex to go hand in hand with marriage, and when I thought about it (carefully ignoring the actual terrifying wedding part of it), I liked the thought of us together on our honeymoon, somewhere more romantic, and more private than this.

I knew that if I pressed him now, he would not say no to me, but even ignoring the problems it could present to our relationship, in my heart I knew I wasn't ready for this. My relationship with Edward might be utterly foreign to anything I had ever imagined having, but a relationship was a relationship, and I didn't want to rush ahead into the lover-stage, before having fully appreciated everything that the boyfriend-stage had to offer. After all, I was totally certain that Edward was the only partner I would ever have or want. There were no second chances, so I wanted to do this right.

Trying to ignore the throbbing burn between my legs, I cupped his face with my hands, and gently whispered, "Edward, no. Not yet."

EPOV

Sometimes, it is so hard for me to grasp how utterly Bella loves me that I underestimate her terribly. My first thought, when she stopped me, was that I had done something wrong. Perhaps I had been too hasty in taking control of the situation; she had obviously needed to feel dominant in our relationship, had it been unwise for me to overpower her that way? Or did she think that I had been rejecting her, that I hadn't been enjoying what she was doing? Really, I just hadn't been able to go another second without tasting her delectable flesh, and I so wanted to return to her the pleasure she was giving me, but perhaps I should have reined in my passions and allowed her to have her way.

Certainly, having seen her so eager for this very act only days ago, it did not immediately occur to me that she might truly not want to make love to me right now. Perhaps I have simply become too confident in my appeal. It wasn't until she continued speaking that I finally realised her true motivations behind calling a halt to things.

"I know you'll regret this, if we let ourselves get carried away," she continued whispering to me gently, her eyes soft with adoration, "and I think I will too. I think that maybe I'm feeling a little under-dressed for this."

I eyed her quizzically, thinking that she seemed about perfectly dressed to me, and wondering exactly when clothing became a prerequisite of sex, when she held out her left hand to me, and pointed to her ring finger. "I think a little something is missing, right there, that shouldn't be missing when we take this step." I gasped with understanding, both astonished and delighted that her desires so perfectly harmonised with my own. I couldn't help but ask the obvious question, though I didn't expect her answer to have changed.

"Does this mean that you want... now...?" I was tongue-tied with hope, but felt no more than the slightest tug of disappointment when she shook her head gently. She was right that we needed more time before we made that commitment.

"Sorry Edward, but no. I'm not ready to get married yet. I just think that maybe, if I'm not ready for that, then I'm not ready for sex either. The physical stuff is so much easier than everything else, but that is no reason to rush it, or to take it any less seriously. I want our first time to be special, romantic, and private. Somewhere without Emmett listening to every creak of the bed springs," we both laughed when we heard a confirmatory, and shameless, chuckle from Emmett downstairs.

"I suppose you have already guessed this," I replied, shifting to lie beside her on the bed, "but I feel exactly the same way. I would never refuse you simply on the basis of what I wanted, but, I've always had this fantasy of our wedding night..." she saved me from having to relate exactly what I had fantasised about by snuggling up to me on the bed, resting her head on my chest and draping her right arm and leg casually – and possessively – over my body, and whispering, "me too," as she tilted her head up to gaze at me with such love in her eyes that I wished that I could freeze this moment, this moment of perfect love, and comfort, and understanding, and live it forever. My heart nearly burst with the knowledge that I had a never-ending future of moments like this ahead of me.

"Well," I said, regaining some of my easy swagger now that I knew all was well with Bella, "I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not ready to go back downstairs yet," I nodded towards my still-prominent erection ruefully, "so while we're stuck up here, what do you want to do?"

"Hmm," she pondered, snuggling herself up against me in a way that made me burningly aware of her soft, naked breasts, and the wetness between her legs that was pressed up against my thigh, "I don't know about you, but I was kind of enjoying what we were doing before..." she trailed off suggestively, only to giggle the wicked giggle that was quickly becoming my favourite sound, when I rolled onto my side facing her, and pressed her flat to the bed.

"Well then," I replied, in my lowest, huskiest growl, "where were we?"

*****

Although our game had been fun, we decided that we were tired of being quiet, so I reached over and switched the CD player back on mask at least some of the noise we were making. The music that Alice had provided two nights before was still in, and though I hadn't had much chance to listen to it before, I discovered that I liked it, and the soft crooning was perfectly suited to my mood. I made a mental note to ask Alice who the singer was.

We were more tender now, more gentle, we weren't playing games anymore. There was a certain reciprocity in our touches which had been absent before. This languorous, dreamlike exploration was entrancing; I was lulled by the perfect sweetness of her scent, the midday sun streaming through the windows to sparkle softly across her body. I had never before appreciated the beauty of our marble skin, seeing it only as a mark of my curse, but it seemed right that Bella should shine and glisten like the goddess she was.

No matter how tightly she held me, or how much of our skin was touching, I still felt like she was too far away, like I had to get closer to her or die. She was like a drug to me, I just couldn't get enough. I found her soft moans and whimpers as satisfying as my own pleasure in some ways; as if it wasn't enough that I had finally found someone to share my heart, my life, and my body with, to know that I could give her that pleasure, to know that she enjoyed my touch, it was more than I could ever have hoped for.

I felt reborn, bathed in the cleansing waters of Bella's love; almost overnight I had transformed utterly, becoming a new man. She had rescued me from myself. For the first time, I had found a way in which, as a vampire, I truly felt superior to humans. It was true that physically I was stronger, faster, it was true that my mind was sharper, but none of that had ever mattered to me, or made me feel any less inferior for my lack of humanity. Now I finally felt that my curse may in fact be a blessing; for whilst human love was frail and fragile, failing in the face of minor jealousies and temptations, crumbling under the pressures of daily life, while even the most successful human relationships last less than a century, as mortality rears its ugly head, the love of a vampire lasted for eternity.

I had Bella forever now, and nothing could change that. Vampires mated for life; we would never feel tempted to stray, never tire of each other, never be parted by ill-health or injury. Finally, I could see why the fates had made me what I was; so that I could have more time with my Bella. I was hers, and she was mine, irrevocably and for eternity.

This endless existence which had seemed bleak and empty of purpose suddenly seemed to be teeming with possibility. Things which had held no interest to me became fascinating with Bella at my side. So many times over the last few weeks we had watched films that I had seen often enough to find them tediously wearisome, but watching them again, through her eyes; seeing her reactions, hearing her breath hitch with excitement, or watching her fists clench in apprehension, made everything new to me again.

And nothing was as new as she was, this mysterious fey creature who had crashed into my life and changed it forever. The only mind I could not read, the girl whose minutest frown, whose softest sigh, whose most delicate pout could captivate me with longing to understand. Her face, her eyes, her tone, they became my life's study, and finally I was learning to read her, without the benefit of being able to hear her thoughts. And when I could, when she would deign to give me even a glimpse into her mind, when she opened her perfect lips and spoke aloud the mysterious thoughts trapped in her silent mind, that was the sheerest bliss.

Bella made me feel so much, so many confusing and seemingly contradictory emotions that somehow fitted themselves into my unbeating heart – a heart that despite its stillness felt cold and dead no longer – I felt incandescent and mighty, as if Bella's love had somehow turned me into a god, but I also felt humbled by it, determined to prove my worthiness. I ached for simplicity; a quiet life, full of joy, with my family and my love.

Through all of my thoughts, my hands were conducting musings of their own over Bella's skin, while I alternated between kissing her, and murmuring sweet nothings into her ear. Bella's own lips were deliciously parted, the soft moans that escaped them gradually building to fever pitch. She held me in a vice-like grip, and I could feel her hands clenching and unclenching unconsciously around my hips.

From my decades of inadvertent voyeurism I recognised the signs that hinted at the nearness of her climax, and was torn between the desire to give her that pleasure instantly, and the urge to draw this experience out for as long as possible. Though we had postponed another 'first' today, this was one that I was determined to have now; I longed to see her in the throes of orgasm, longed to see her gripped by this ultimate pleasure, and know that I had given it to her.

In the end my impatience won out. Unlike some, Bella did not make a production of her climax; she merely trembled in my arms as her eyes flew open, and her lips parted to release a soft 'oh' of surprise. She had the expression of someone who had just been given a most wonderful and unexpected gift, and I found it unbearably endearing. I held her close until her shaking stilled and she lay in my arms, limp with satisfaction. When her eyes finally focused on mine, they were full of such wonder, such love and trust and devotion, that I felt gentle sobs of incomprehensible happiness shake me.

Though I was too choked with emotion to speak, she seemed to understand the nature of my crying, and she held me just as tenderly as I had held her moments before, as she waited for my weeping to pass. I was so vulnerable, so open and so unguarded that I felt as though I should be scared or ashamed, but I felt only a deep trust in the woman who held me, and a sense of rightness that she should see how deeply she affected me.

BPOV

I don't know if it is just me that thinks the most banal things during the most profound events, but I do. Just as my first response on hearing of my grandfather's death was to feel irritated that I had already bought his Christmas present, so during this most beautiful and perfect of moments, the only thought in my head was _so that is what an orgasm feels like!_

Edward had been perfect, as usual, in his choice of music. The lyrics that drifted around me were a perfect melancholy counterpoint to the sound of Edward, softly sobbing in my arms. I understood immediately the motivation behind his weeping; hadn't I so often repressed a similar reaction, as each kiss, each caress bespoke a love that I was perfectly unworthy of, a love which bowed me, humbled, to my knees? Hadn't those soft hitching breaths of awe and wonder so often come from my lips, not his?

I lay there, holding him gently, cradled by my exquisite afterglow. I don't know how long we remained perfectly still, drinking in the beauty of the moment and the agony of its ending, but several songs passed during that blissful interlude of pure love and satisfaction.

The music which curled lazily around us, holding us in its own tender embrace was sung softly, in a voice rich with all the sweetness of love, longing and loss, and it spoke to me on a deep level.

I thought of how Edward had told me with perfect honesty how he craved our interdependence, and though the knowledge of my own helplessness still sent me into a spiral of doubts and resentments, I so deeply wanted to feel the same trust that he felt. I _wanted_ to want this. I realised how churlish I had been, fighting so hard to tip the scales in my favour, how childishly petulant for wanting all the benefits of his love, without the risks.

I had been so desperate to hold myself aloof from the dangers and indignities of love. I could say with absolute certainty that the number of times I had told him I loved him could be counted on the fingers of just one hand, whereas he had reassured me of his undying affection on countless occasions. I had been playing with him, testing him, keeping careful – if unconscious – score between us, always so determined never to show him more love, more desire, more devotion, than he showed me.

I thought of my utter abandon, complete honesty, that night when I thought that he did not love me. Why, when I had managed then to be so open and eloquent about my love did I now hide behind barriers of coyness and reticence? I know that Edward saw my fears as a result of his own inadequacy, or perhaps my insecurity, but I knew, deep down that it was nothing to do with either of them. Maybe, in the beginning, those had been the reasons, but now I knew it was simple and morally unjustifiable vanity that sealed my lips.

Why, when my love was doomed, was it so much stronger, so much purer? Why was I more scared of hope than failure? Why could I be so defiantly bold when I knew I had no chance of winning? Why was I so terrified of getting exactly what I wanted? And why, when everything was in my grasp, did I risk it on petty power games?

I oscillated so violently between slavish obsession and stony indifference, never finding a balance. And all the while Edward, endlessly patient, infinitely unquestioning, eternally understanding displayed his love like a badge of honour. His total honesty, his utter lack of guile, his completely disarming frankness made me ashamed of myself. How could I expect him to devote himself to healing my shattered confidence when I revelled in my brokenness, holding onto it with fevered desperation, unwilling to give up my status as one to whom is owed a near-worshipful degree of consideration?

Perhaps rather than giving up in the face of my clear unworthiness, I should instead do everything I could to claw myself, inch by painful inch, towards a place where I could, in conscience, accept Edward's love. Perhaps, in becoming a better person, I could become a better mate. I knew that I owed it to Edward, and to the blinding strength of our woefully mismatched, but still utterly beautiful love, to overcome all the barriers which prevented me from loving Edward the way he deserved.

It was time, I realised, to let go of my tightly held misery, to relinquish my childish notion that love can only come through pain, and sacrifice, and overblown gestures. It was time for me to learn to love quietly, and gently, and deeply.

And, as the sounds of a broken-hearted weeping which contrasted sharply with Edward's joyous sobs reached my ears, I realised that there was another whom I had wronged with my self-centred blindness. Alice, who had protected me above all else, Alice who had saved my life, Alice who had taken her devotion to such extremes as to risk losing everything, and who, it now seemed, was the only one who had not forgiven herself for what had happened. Alice, who despite her fiery independence, was made oddly vulnerable by the blank slate of her past.

I had absolved her of any guilt over what had happened, but if I had truly stirred myself to pay attention, it would have been obvious that what was troubling Alice was more complex than that. Although she maintained an impermeable façade of innocent happiness, one had only to look at the lines of tension carved into Jasper's drawn face to know that all was not well with Alice.

I owed her more than I could possibly repay. She was my sister, my protector, my advocate, my first and best friend in this new life of mine. She was everything I needed, and though I had told her that she was forgiven for what had happened, in truth she was not at fault. She had helped me leave when I needed more than anything to get away from Edward, and it had only been lack of communication that had allowed everything to spiral so out of control. If anything, her love for me was more terrifyingly devout than Edward's, since she seemed to want nothing in return.

Seemed to... but perhaps I was still being fooled by her painstaking act. Clearly, she was unhappy. From the tortured sounds of her sobs, it was obvious that there was something utterly vital to her very being which she lacked, and somehow I knew that only I could give it to her.

If Carlisle was right, if I was truly a Cullen now, then I had a great legacy of strength and compassion to live up to. It was time to take on the responsibilities, as well as the privileges, of being a part of this family, so when Edward finally stilled in my arms, lulled by my quiet affection, I asked him softly if we could join Jasper in trying to assuage Alice's agony.


	14. Tabula Rasa

JPOV

When it became clear that Edward and Bella were not going to come back downstairs any time soon, and I felt Alice's despair, worry and guilt reach overwhelming levels, I took her by the hand and dragged her off to our room, ignoring the curiosity and surprise I felt from Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett. She refused to let me ease the pain of her emotions, and I would never manipulate them without her consent, but it hurt me to know that my mate was in so much unnecessary pain. Bella had forgiven her, but she could not forgive herself.

"We need to talk about this Alice," I said, when we were safely ensconced in our bed, but she shook her head distractedly. I could tell from her unfocused gaze that, once again, she was frantically scanning Bella's future, the way she always did whenever Edward and Bella were alone, with an obsession which bordered on paranoia. I took her by the shoulders and shook her gently, trying to break her out of her trance, but she batted at me with her hands, refusing to give up her visions.

"Alice please, come back to me. I can't take this anymore, you're hurting too much!" I didn't know what I could do if she wouldn't respond to me. Thankfully, after a few more moments her eyes focused on my face and I knew she was back.

"I'm sorry Jasper, I just had to make sure..." her eyes were pleading, begging me to understand her obsession, but I couldn't.

"Why, Alice, why did you have to make sure? We've been back here for weeks, and in all that time, has he put a single foot out of line? Has he handled any single situation badly? We both know that if it wasn't for him, she'd have left_ altogether_, so why can't you trust him with her for half an hour?" I felt bad for venting my frustrations on her, but the constant atmosphere of fear and suspicion that surrounded her was getting to me, shortening my temper. I expected her to be defiant, to defend her actions as she always did when it came to Bella, but instead she broke down in my arms, sobbing helplessly.

"I, I," she stuttered through her weeping, the words barely recognisable, "I'm just so scared!" she wailed, and I could feel the fear coming off her in waves. When I spoke, my voice was softer now, her cries having totally disarmed my frustrations, leaving me only with the desire to comfort her.

"What are you scared of darling?" I knew that she was scared by Edward and Bella's relationship, but I wanted to know, to hear from her own lips, exactly why that was, in the hopes that together we could work through this.

"I'm scared he'll hurt her, I'm scared she'll run away, I'm scared that now she has him she won't want me anymore. I'm scared that _no one_ wants me around anymore after the mess I've made of things." Alice seemed ashamed of her confession, and I suddenly understood the fear and resentment, the obsessive way she watched them through her visions. It must have been agony for her – part of her praying that they made it work, so Bella could be happy, and another part of her hoping that Edward would screw up again so she could have Bella all to herself, and then yet another part hating herself for feeling that way.

"Honey, you've got to stop beating yourself up. I know you hate it, but it is understandable that you would feel the way you do. Won't you let me take some of this guilt and fear away? You don't have to bear this."

"I do. I deserve to feel horrible, because I am!" a fresh wave of self-loathing inundated me, and I was finding it increasingly difficult to separate her emotions from my own, and even harder to react rationally in the face of them.

"Look at what I did to Bella, to both of them!" she continued, "How can they ever forgive me? I ruined everything. I'm sure they all hate me now. They trusted me to always do what was best, and instead I made everything worse." Alice was becoming frantic, her fear and remorse whipping her into an inconsolable frenzy and threatening to do the same to me. I suddenly wondered whether it had been so wise to have this conversation alone, without Carlisle or Esme as stabilising influences, but I so wanted to be the one to ease my love's pain. I fought to keep from drowning in her emotions, fought to keep my voice reasonable.

"You're blowing this all out of proportion, honey, yeah, things went wrong for a while, but you didn't ruin everything. It's all fine now, except that you are so unhappy. You're the only one that is, you know. I feel around this house, and there is nothing but complete and unequivocal contentment. Of course, I'm sure they'd all feel differently if they knew how miserable you were, but that is the only cloud in our sky, my love. Nothing is ruined."

"But I just can't stand feeling this way..." I opened my mouth to suggest the obvious solution, but she shook her head, "I deserve these feelings Jasper, they're mine, and I won't let you take them, not until I understand them at least. I just don't know why I feel like this. I don't even know how I feel!" She seemed exasperated with herself, but I could understand her confusion; her feelings were a minefield these days, a swirling torrent of rage, grief, hatred, jealousy, fear, and any number of other emotions, each of them difficult enough to deal with singly, but overwhelming in combination.

"So talk to me, honey. We'll sort this out, together, but you have to tell me what is going on in your head."

"I just can't figure anything out. I love Edward, you know I've always been close to him, but I see him with Bella and it takes everything I have not to just snap. Its like... like if I saw you with another woman, the same insane jealousy, but I don't know why. I don't feel _that_ way about either of them. I try to hide it, and be kind to Edward the way he deserves, but underneath it all there is just this stupid, irrational, seething hatred. I don't want to hate my own brother!" Her voice was agonised as she related the sheer scale of her ambivalence.

I thought for a few moments, and it became pretty obvious to me where exactly that jealousy was coming from. She might not be sexually attracted to Bella, but that isn't the only type of love out there, and it certainly isn't the only type of love that can make people crazy sometimes – it was simply the only love of that kind that Alice had ever experienced, hence her confusion.

Sometimes Alice was a strange dichotomy of experience and naivety. Becoming a vampire alone, and abandoned, coupled with the weight of responsibility her visions gave her, had leant her an incredible strength and independence, however being unable to remember any of her human life meant that there were so many things she had not experienced first hand, things like childhood, things that left odd gaps in her character. I knew that people often found her fey, capricious, even shallow, but I saw the guileless innocence behind her incredibly mutable emotions. One of the things that I found most restful about her was that her emotional state always matched perfectly her outward appearance. She was utterly honest and open about her feelings.

Which, I imagined, was part of why she was having such great difficulties now; the chasm between how she really felt, and how she wanted to appear to feel – and more than appear, how she wanted to truly feel – was immense. Intellectually she knew that she _should_ love Edward, _should_ be happy for Bella, _should _feel secure that she was still loved, but the complexity of her feelings for Bella meant that how she _should _feel was grossly different to how she truly felt.

I had spent weeks trying to unravel the gordian knot of Alice's turmoil, but now that I knew what lay at its heart, it was time to cut right through it.

APOV

"I think we have to acknowledge here that, although in this family you and Bella may be 'sisters', in reality, you are more than that." Jasper said, his face, the face I loved so utterly, earnest and concerned.

"You saved her from dying, in a very real way you birthed her into our world, so it is more than understandable that you would feel maternal towards her. I think, perhaps, you are just suffering from a touch of empty-nest syndrome. You are unlucky, in a way, since most mothers have over a decade before other relationships start to intrude on the parent-child bond, whereas you had only months before Edward came home and began monopolising Bella's attention. But, Alice darling, you are also incredibly fortunate, because unlike all those other mothers, Bella will _never _move out, or leave you. You may not have as much of her as you'd like, but what you do have, you have forever."

It took even my speeding mind several minutes to process Jasper's theory. Even though the idea that Bella had stirred my buried maternal instincts had occurred to me before now, I had never really considered the true implications of that. I knew that I was protective of Bella beyond what was reasonable, but now, when all my efforts were futile, when there was (though I could not quite bring myself to admit it out loud) nothing to protect her from, I was endlessly puzzled by my vitriolic reactions towards anyone she showed affection for, especially Edward. Could it be that, as well as protective, she made me possessive? Could all this be simply that I was jealous of anyone who took up her time, time I wished she would spend with me? Could it all simply come down to the fact that whilst I had been irrevocably changed by my all-consuming love for her, she saw me simply as a sister, as a friend, and not as the centre of her universe, the way she had become the centre of mine?

Could it all be that petty, that juvenile, that simple?

I thought of Esme, the only mother figure I had. I thought of how delighted Esme had been to get us all away from our mates for some girl bonding time. Had that been just girl bonding time, or had it, in fact, been mother-daughter time? I thought back on how distraught she had been when Edward left us after Bella's arrival. Had she only been miserable because he had been so unhappy, or would she have felt equally lost, equally bereft, had he left under happier circumstances? Was this what it was to be a parent? To always long for a being who would only grow away from you? What a bittersweet thing this motherhood had turned out to be.

Jasper was still waiting for me to respond to his revelation, but I wasn't ready yet. With this new perspective I thought back over these past months. How I had been so adamant that I was the only one who could possibly teach her about her new life, how even when I had welcomed Edward home with open arms, knowing that he would make Bella happier, a part of me had resented the way she turned to him instead of me. The way, as soon as an excuse had presented itself, I had stolen away into the woods with her, unconsciously creating my own little family of husband and daughter. How I had infantilised her, taking every opportunity to strip her of her independence and do things for her. How I had insisted that it must be I who taught her to hunt, who filled her wardrobe, who bought her books and films and music. How I had even been unable to keep from including myself in her time with Edward, feverishly watching them in my visions, even providing massage oils and music to leave my mark on their nights together.

At the thought of the music I had left them, I felt a whole new wave of guilt, for even as the melodies had a soft, romantic air, the lyrics were laced with barbed allusions to Edward's inadequacy and failures; words like killed, betrayed, abandoned; secret messages to Bella, begging her to see sense and leave him. All intended to remind her of how he had changed her, from the fierce, independent woman she had been, into this needy, lovestruck babe in arms.

And each word, now a reminder of how badly I had wronged my brother. The man who, after Bella and Jasper, was the person I loved most in the world. The one who understood what a strange burden our gifts were, with the unwelcome knowledge they brought.

Even now, I heard the accusatory lyrics drifting to us from the other side of the house, accompanied by sounds that only an hour ago would have sent me into an unquenchable rage, but which now left me trembling under the force of my guilt. Who was I to deprive them of the love which made them so happy? What right did I have to use my gift to spy on their every secret moment? And most of all, where was it written that Bella belonged more to me, than to Edward, or herself?

"What have I done Jasper?" I asked, in a tone which entreated him to speak the words that would somehow absolve me of my guilt. Words which didn't exist. There was no excusing what I had done. "What have I done to them?"

I was so locked in my own misery, with Jasper silently rocking me in his arms, that I never heard the footsteps approaching our door, or the quiet knocking. I lay oblivious to everything, until the one and only person who could ease my pain appeared before me and took me into her arms.

EPOV

At Bella's request, I dressed quickly, and we made our way across the house to where we could hear Alice's aching sobs. While with Bella, I had tuned out the thoughts around me, but now as I listened to Alice's mind, I was shocked by her damning characterisation of events which I had taken to be so kind, so gracious. Alice, of everyone here, was the most skilled at hiding her thoughts from me, so until now I had had no idea of how malicious she had been towards me, but feeling her agony and guilt through Jasper's senses, and hearing her own remorse, I found it in myself to forgive her, just as she was now struggling to forgive me. We had both made mistakes, after all, and it was time to move forward.

We knocked on the door, and though there was no audible response, Jasper's thoughts gave us permission to enter, so I opened the door. Seeing Alice looking so small, so frail and helpless, and so utterly lost, extinguished the last traces of resentment in me, and I wanted only to comfort her.

Bella ran to her instantly, sitting beside Jasper on the bed and wrapping her into a tight embrace. I could see in Alice's thoughts that she briefly considered pulling away, feeling unworthy of any comfort, but in a gesture which made me love her all over again, she decided that the only things that mattered were Bella's wishes, and she submitted quietly to Bella's embrace.

Feeling slightly awkward, and still unsure of how far Alice's attempt to reconcile her feelings for me would carry her, I sat gently on the bed and gingerly took one of her hands, which she squeezed gratefully. I sensed no acrimony in her thoughts, only a desire to return to the easy friendship we had once had. When it came down to it, we were more similar than we sometimes liked to admit. Now that we put our minds to it, we both managed to forgive each other for our mistakes almost effortlessly, whilst both equally incapable of forgiving ourselves.

"Alice?" Bella asked, stirring Alice from her guilty stupor, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to forgive me for something..." Bella sounded genuinely remorseful, and both Alice and I were speechless with incredulity; surely of all of us, Bella was the only one who needed no forgiveness? With her trademark simple eloquence, which, as always, stunned me with the sheer beauty of her soul, she continued;

"I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have forgotten the first rule of dating; always put friends before partners. I've been so absorbed with everything Edward and I have been going through," and she gave me a wry smile at that, "that I have been a truly appalling friend to you. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realise how unhappy you were. Can you ever forgive me?" Bella's words were so sincere that I could not tell whether this was simply a ploy to rouse Alice from her guilt, or whether she was genuinely sorry. But, knowing Bella, and even though she had been painstakingly careful to pay Alice ample attention during our days here, the remorse in her words was real. How beautifully self-sacrificing my love was, how astonishingly self-effacing and timid when it came to her own happiness, and how gloriously implacable when defending others.

Stirring myself from the adoring reverie I had slipped into at Bella's words, I listened to Alice's mind as she attempted to form a suitable response to the olive branch which had been presented to her.

"There is nothing to forgive Bella. If I wasn't so greedy for your attention, I would content myself with the time you have been spending with me. I can't expect you to spend all your time with me, after all."

"That is kind, Alice, but I'm afraid that I do need forgiving. Friends shouldn't let friends suffer the way I have. We should have had this conversation weeks ago. How about, we both – we all," she briefly caught both mine and Jasper's gazes as she spoke, "forget all the silly little things we have allowed to separate us, and start over?" We all nodded our wholehearted agreement with that.

"First though," Bella's resourcefulness knew no bounds, and she seemed to have an instinctive feel for exactly what was needed in this moment, "before we wipe the slate clean, I think perhaps we should take a moment to get all our resentments off our chests, so that we can all start over with a clear conscience?"

It was clear that we were all too hesitant of our tenuous truce to accede to her eminently sensible request, but once again she saved us from ourselves.

"I'll start then. I'm sorry, but I am so used to struggling and striving and making my way on my own, and sometimes I get a little irritated and, well, rebellious when you guys all try so hard to protect me from everything," she smiled an endearingly sheepish smile, and continued, "but I'm acknowledging that that is a problem, and I'm going to work at bringing my guard down and letting you all in." her smile became winning as Jasper picked up where she had left off, with his own declaration, kindly giving Alice and I more time to consider our own words.

"I'm sorry that I keep so much to myself, and try to do too much on my own. If I had just been honest with everyone from the start, then you all would have known exactly how you felt about each other and we wouldn't have gotten ourselves into this mess. From now on, I'm going to be more open about what I know and what I feel from each of you, so that we can fix our problems together." I smiled gratefully at Jasper, knowing how much easier things would have been if both Bella and I had known from the start that we loved each other. I took my turn to speak then, seeing that Alice was still unready.

"I'm sorry that I overreact to things so much, and I keep acting without thinking. And I'm sorry that I have let my insecurities come between us all. If I had been more willing to ask for help, if I had had more faith in Bella's amazing self control, and if I had been less selfish in monopolising Bella's time, then things would have been easier. From now on, I'm going to trust that you all have perfectly sensible reasons for caring about me, and I'm not simply some loathsome creature who is unworthy of any kindness, and I'm going to try to remember that everyone else loves Bella just as much as I do, and it isn't fair to try to keep her all to myself."

Words were inadequate to explain my meaning, but that was the best I could do. We all waited patiently for Alice to compose her thoughts.

"I'm sorry," she began quietly, "for not listening, and not asking, and for acting unilaterally. I'm sorry for trying to make you," she looked up at Bella now, "into something you aren't, and for acting like you aren't capable of taking care of yourself. I'm sorry for not trusting that you," she was speaking to Jasper now, "would never do anything to hurt me, and for not listening when you tried to tell me what was going wrong."

She turned to me now, and she was speaking spontaneously, words flowing unbidden to her lips, so I had no idea what she was about to say, "and I'm sorry for betraying you after all these decades. I'm sorry that I tried to take Bella away from you, I'm sorry for attacking you, and forgetting how much I love you. I'm sorry for holding each and every honest mistake against you, and reading malice into your every innocent action. I'm sorry for keeping what I saw about you and Bella from you, and I'm sorry for making you feel like you weren't good enough for Bella. Most of all I'm sorry that because of me we have wasted so much time on unhappiness. Can we start over now?" the smallest, most timid, trace of hope crossed Alice's face, and I moved closer now until we were all embracing, pledging to put our mistakes behind us and forgive each other for every slight.

"Yes," said Bella, still speaking easily the words we all so desperately needed to hear, "I think that we are all, to a greater or lesser extent, guilty of the same things; keeping too much to ourselves, trying to do things alone instead of asking for help, thinking too little of ourselves, and not trusting each other enough. But I think that most of all we are guilty of being too hard on ourselves. Let's wipe the slate clean, and start by all forgiving ourselves, the way we have forgiven each other."

After a long and comfortable moment we broke apart, all grinning widely now, our smiles carefree and hopeful. We heard the opening credits of _The Princess Bride, _a film we all loved, and understood that Carlisle and Esme, hearing our reconciliation, wanted to include the whole family in our happiness. Alice and Bella, hand in hand, ran for the door, squealing in delight at the chance to watch a film which was usually rationed to only one viewing a month, and which we had seen only last week. Sighing to each other in mock weariness at having to watch the chick-flick once again – but both secretly just as in love with the film as our mates – Jasper and I followed, and I could feel the heavy weight that Jasper had been carefully concealing from me lift from his shoulders as, at last, and for the first time ever, everyone in the family was unequivocally happy. He was practically glowing from the easy contentment washing around and through him as we sat down to watch the film, just in time to hear the first words.

"_You feeling any better?", _the mother asked, and looking around the room, I knew that at last we all were.


	15. Unveiled

BPOV

"Bella, we need to talk."

Jasper's words had a surprisingly grim tone, as he pulled me gently to one side where his whisper would not be heard by the others. Inwardly I sighed; Jasper's words could mean only one thing, that the past few glorious days of peace and contentment in our household were coming to an end.

For almost a week, since that day in Jasper and Alice's bedroom, things had been blissfully sweet between us all; we forgave, and had been forgiven, loved, and were loved. All the tension and unspoken resentments between us were gone. Now, however, those all-too-familiar lines of strife had engraved themselves once more upon Jasper's scarred face, indicating that somewhere, someone was unhappy. My mind leapt instantly to the obvious suspect.

"Is Alice ok?" I asked in an equally inaudible whisper, hoping that no one would notice our murmurs. Edward was out hunting with Carlisle, and I got the feeling that Jasper had chosen this moment precisely because of that; this was something he didn't want Edward to overhear him thinking about.

"She's fine," Jasper replied, somewhat impatiently, as though I was missing something obvious.

"Is it Edward?" That seemed the next most obvious answer. Jasper shook his head.

"Rosalie?" Rosalie had been spending a lot of time alone with Emmett these last few days, and I had assumed their absences were for the usual reason, but knowing what I now knew about Rosalie's past, I wondered whether she needed some space for a different reason.

"For pity's sake Bella, I'm not an idiot you know!" Alice looked over curiously as he raised his voice to levels that were audible from across the room. His outburst surprised me, and puzzled me. I honestly had no idea what I'd done wrong. I felt my shoulders automatically hunch as I dropped my head, allowing my hair to brush over my face. Then, with a deliberate effort, I straightened my posture; I had been trying to be more confident, and when better to learn than in the face of what was obviously unearned anger? Of course, I had just as much experience of going to the other extreme; losing my temper in arguments, so when I spoke I tried to keep my voice level and reasonable.

"I never said you were an idiot Jasper. Though I'm starting to think perhaps I am! I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"Of course you know what I'm talking about Bella. We all promised to stop keeping everything to ourselves and actually talk to each other. Alice has been doing so much better since we agreed to that, but it is your example she's following. If you start keeping secrets again, we're all going to end up right back at square one. I won't let you do that to Alice, or to yourself."

Alice had looked away now, and Jasper's voice was once more hushed enough that only I could hear. I found myself wondering whether she had looked away to give us privacy, or because she had already seen everything we were about to do. Was there any point in Jasper's hushed tones? And, indeed, was he not being a hypocrite in having a secret conversation about not keeping secrets?

Oh, and what on earth was this secret I was supposedly keeping?

"What the hell are you talking about Jasper?" So much for my legendary self control. I was getting irritated.

"We both know you're feeling anxious Bella. I don't know why, but being as it started right after Carlisle suggested we go to see the Denali clan, I would imagine it is something to do with Tanya. Am I right?"

Was he? Maybe I had felt some anxiety, but I was feeling so much of everything these days, it was impossible to keep track of exactly what I felt, let alone why. I was told that I managed my emotions surprisingly well for a newborn. I was told that in a few months, this would pass and things would become more stable. None of that helped me now.

I thought about it. Maybe there had been some more specific worry, in amongst the morass of generalised emotion. Was it Tanya I was worried about? Or was this Jasper's way of telling me that I _should_ be worried?

"You're feeling paranoid Bella. Talk to me." I felt a brief spasm of irritation at his presumption that, just because he could read my emotions, he had a right to them. But I imposed rationality upon my thoughts; this had been my idea, after all, the sharing. And couldn't Jasper's intervention a few months ago have saved me a whole lot of heartache? Perhaps listening to him now would save me a whole lot more.

So when Jasper suggested we go out into the woods to talk, I said yes.

When we were some distance into the forest he settled himself deliberately on a fallen tree and looked at me expectantly.

"Um," I hedged, trying to buy myself more time to sort through my confusion. So I was apparently feeling more anxious than usual. Was I? Was there a reason why I hadn't noticed? I thought that I'd been pretty happy, that we'd all been happy the last few days. Of course happy was a relative term for a newborn; what I really meant was that in amongst the tangle of ever-changing emotions that rushed through me, happiness had seemed to be the most common, most intense one that I had been feeling.

Key word there being 'seemed' I suppose.

"Firstly," I began, deciding that whatever my true feelings were, it was most important to secure my relationships; I didn't want to see the same betrayal in Alice's fragile eyes, or Edward's exquisite ones, that I had seen in Jasper's, so I had to stop this before it went any further, "I just want to say that I'm still really confused, by all of this. I don't deny that you may have a point," a semi-successful attempt to quell some of the anger I still saw on his face, "that I am worried about something, and your conclusion that the 'something' is Tanya, is not entirely implausible. _But, _I want you to know that I wasn't consciously keeping this from you. You must know better than anyone how temperamental my emotions are right now; does it really surprise you all that much to hear that an extra dose of anxiety in the mix wouldn't necessarily be unusual enough to get my attention?"

Grudgingly, Jasper's frown eased, and he shook his head.

"So, be honest with me Jasper. Is this conversation because you somehow noticed all that extra worry, and came to this conclusion, or was it your way of telling me that I _should_ be worried about Tanya?"

Now Jasper looked just as baffled as I had felt when he brought this up. I was relieved – evidently there was nothing for me to worry about, at least as far as Jasper knew.

"So what do you think I should do?" I asked

"You need to talk to Edward." I nodded reluctantly, aware of the wisdom of what he was saying, but not relishing the thought of having that conversation.

All of a sudden, there was a rustling in the bushes, and Alice sprang into the clearing we were sitting in. Evidently I had been right in thinking that Alice's apparent disinterest was because she had already seen this whole conversation. The irony had occurred to me, that in a family with so little privacy, secret keeping, of all things, would be our biggest problem.

She turned to Jasper with a mischievous grin on her face.

"Sorry lover," she said, in a voice which didn't sound in the least bit sorry, "but I'm going to have to disagree with you about that. There are times for sitting around moping and talking about things, and this isn't one of them."

"But it isn't right for me to keep this secret from Edward," I was surprised to discover myself defending the course of action I was so reluctant to take.

"Of course it is, silly Bella!" Ok, seriously, why did people keep calling me that? I really hoped it wasn't a nickname that would catch on. "Of course you should tell Edward if you have a serious problem in the relationship, but be honest, what are you really worried about here? Do you really think that Edward is going to take one look at the woman he has been turning down for nearly a century and suddenly fall madly in love with her?" Reluctantly, I shook my head.

"Or are you just feeling intimidated because you've heard what a sex goddess she's supposed to be?" I looked at my feet, embarrassed, and that was all the confirmation she needed. Jasper stared at us dumbfounded; apparently even after his incredibly long life, the sheer vanity of the female nature still had the power to surprise him. I could tell that he had, in fact, been expecting the rationalisations behind my worry to be more, well, rational.

"Right," she continued, "then don't talk to Edward. This isn't the time for confession. This situation calls for feminine mystique, and awesome clothes."

I groaned. _Out of the frying pan, into the fire,_ I thought. I had gotten out of a heartfelt and humiliating conversation with Edward, only to be subjected to Alice's tender ministrations.

Without another word, Alice grabbed me by the hand and dragged me back to the house, practically bursting with excitement over having the opportunity, and my apparent consent, to make me over. I also sensed that she was relieved to finally have found a situation in which _she, _not anyone else, had the power to help me. I must admit, that I enjoyed her company, and I was happy to see her happy. I was also surprisingly fond of having someone to play 'big sister' to me. As far as female role models go, I hadn't really had any; I loved my mother, but taking care of her had made me far too aware of her faults to look up to her that way, and she was more prone to wearing paint and overalls – of all of her many fads and phases, the art one had been the only one to stick around with any permanency – than make-up and pretty clothes.

As surprising as it was, I was actually looking forward to this. Alice was muttering about time constraints, and tugging me ever faster towards her room – we were due to visit Tanya and the other Denali's later this afternoon, and something about running through the forest with her triggered a memory. A memory of a dress, a blue dress which Edward had seemed _exceptionally _keen on seeing.

"Um, Alice? I don't suppose that blue dress managed to survive its last excursion?"

"Don't worry Bella, I've got _plenty _of pretty clothes that will fit you, you don't have to wear that dress again!" I really didn't doubt that she had an obscene amount of beautiful and flattering dresses, but now that the idea had occurred to me, I was fixated on wearing that dress for Edward.

"I know Alice, but I really want to wear that dress. Edward, um, well he _specifically_ asked to see it, if you get what I mean?" Her giggle assured me that she knew exactly what I meant.

"Well, that explains the vision I had of you wearing that dress again. Normally I wouldn't have bothered trying to save it, but you looked so happy in it that I made the effort, just for you." We had made it to her room now, and she flung open the door of one of her many closets to reveal the dress, looking as good as new.

"Alice!" I squealed – I hadn't thought that anything could erase the damage I had done to it, but I'd been willing to settle for a damaged dress, just because I knew that Edward had wanted to see it, "it's perfect!" I exclaimed, as Alice glowed with pride, "how on earth did you manage to fix it?"

She grinned wryly.

"I didn't," she confessed, "but after I had the vision of you wearing it, I called the designer to commission a replacement – it is exactly the same as the old one though, I made sure of that." I felt overcome with emotion hearing the lengths she'd gone to for me, just on the off chance that at some point in the future I would want to wear this dress again.

"Alice... I..." my voice was choked, and I couldn't find the words to express my gratitude.

"I know Bella, I'm glad you love it, but we don't have time to stand around and chat – we've only got about an hour before we have to go."

And with that she went to work.

I won't describe what she did to me, mostly because I didn't understand the half of it. You'd think eternally unchanging beings who never got aged or got blemishes wouldn't need that many beauty products. Apparently you'd be wrong. In the next hour I was primped, preened, and slathered with more chemicals than I had seen in my life, but even I had to admit that the results were stunning.

Just as Alice was helping me into the dress, careful not to disturb a single hair on my head, a sudden downpour started outside.

"Just in time!" Alice said happily, and explained to me that for full dramatic effect, Edward shouldn't see what I was wearing until we got to the Denali house. By revealing my outfit at the exact moment of my introduction to Tanya, I could ensure that his attention was fixed precisely where it should be. The rain gave me an excuse to cover up, and Alice brought me a floor length coat – beautiful in its own right – which buttoned all the way up, concealing my dress. The hood covered my hair, and I worried that it might mess it up, but Alice assured me that she had used enough spray to keep it in place through a tornado. There was no way to hide the make-up I was wearing, so Edward was bound to know that something was up, but I trusted that he would still be suitably impressed when he saw the full picture.

Due to the weather we drove to the Denali house. Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett rode in Rosalie's convertible, whilst Alice and Jasper joined me in Edward's Volvo. Alice was quiet the whole way, working to keep her thoughts from Edward – at one point I heard her humming Memories under her breath and grinned at her; Edward hated that musical. Jasper, apparently at Alice's behest, kept the conversation going, sticking to neutral topics, keeping Edward's suspicion at bay.

The rain stopped before we got there. As the car stopped and I looked out of the window I decided that a fondness for extravagant houses must be a common vampire trait – the 'cabin' was huge, and gorgeous. I unbuttoned my coat as I climbed out of the car, carefully holding it closed around me as we walked up to the door.

The door opened, and I froze. Right there, in the doorway, was a beauty who could only be Tanya. It was worse than even I had imagined. She was stunning, flawless, more beautiful even than Rosalie – a feat I had thought impossible.

Tanya was, well, Alice's words pretty much summed it up. _Sex Goddess_. Her smile was open, friendly, and her clothes while flattering were demure. There was nothing erotic about her posture or expression, and yet she practically oozed sex. In an instant I forgot all of Edward's assurances that he felt nothing more than friendship for her, and my insecurities reared their ugly heads.

And just then, as Edward turned towards me to introduce me to Tanya, and the family I was dimly aware were standing behind her, my blessed big sister came up behind me and slipped the coat from my shoulders, and Edward froze too. He looked utterly captivated. I could see his throat working, but he was incapable of speech; he simply stood there, apparently transfixed by me, and the adoration in his eyes gave me the courage I needed to firmly push my insecurities away and walk up to the door, taking his hand as I passed.

Now that my fears for myself were allayed, I felt a sudden stab of compassion for Tanya; was it cruel of me to flaunt my relationship with the ex she might still care for? But it seemed that I had no need to worry about that either. Her eyes quickly took in his expression, and our linked hands, and her smile got even wider. Introductions were quickly made and as we all went inside Tanya drew me briefly into a small room just off the hallway which I took to be a cloakroom.

"I hope you don't mind me dragging you away for a couple of minutes, but I've been waiting with bated breath to meet you Bella, ever since Edward told me about you. I had some pretty high expectations, I must admit. I thought that there was not a thing in the world that could actually make our Edward happy, and suddenly overnight I'm getting letter after letter gushing about your perfection." I nodded carefully, wondering whether her next words would reveal that I hadn't measured up. After all, _'perfection'? _Who could live up to that?

"And I have to say," she continued, "that already I can see that you are all I hoped and more. Not to mention quite stunning; I'm not surprised Edward hasn't looked at me twice since he got here. Listen," and her voice was serious but also soft, I assumed that was to ensure that we were not overheard. "Edward told me that you got upset when you heard about us. He's worried that you feel insecure – not that either of us have any clue what someone like you has to feel insecure about, but that is beside the point – I just wanted you to hear from the horse's mouth that Edward and I are good friends, but nothing more. And you needn't worry that I'll be resenting you for 'taking him away from me'. It was pitifully obvious the second we got together that he'd never care for me that way, and I'm just happy to see him happy.

"Besides, seeing the eternal bachelor finally settled down gives me hope that someday I'll find that love too." There was a wistfulness in her voice which touched me. I was surprised to hear that despite her legendary sexual escapades she was still lonely. A small, selfish part of me was also pleased to hear the implied message; that she didn't love Edward that way.

I surprised myself by reaching out to give her a quick hug, which she returned gratefully. "I'm sure you'll find someone you can love," I whispered, awkwardly; wanting to comfort the woman I could already tell I would be great friends with, but not knowing how.

"Oh Bella," she sighed, "that isn't my problem. I can love any number of people, and do," she added, her saucy tone somewhat spoiled by the sad smile on her face, "but there's never been anyone _special. _No one that I would willingly give up all the others for. It's like, I love everyone so much there's no space for anyone in particular. Don't get me wrong, it's fun, but looking at you and Edward I can see how much I'm missing, not having someone who is just mine."

I struggled to understand what she was saying, struggled to empathise with an attitude so far removed from my own; until Edward came along, my heart had been utterly empty of that sort of love, he had filled me up. Tanya's problem appeared to be that she was already too full.

But when I thought again, I decided that we had more common ground than first appearances suggested. Hadn't I felt as though my heart had not been filled, but had actually expanded to encompass the love he created in me? Couldn't Tanya's heart be opened up the same way, when she found her Edward?

"Trust me, Tanya," I said in the most reassuring voice I could muster, "when that person comes along, whoever he is, he'll make space for himself in your heart. You'll have no choice in the matter. And if you have to wait a while, well, it isn't like the clock is ticking for you, is it?"

She smiled gratefully, and took my hand, giving it a quick squeeze before leading me back into the room with the others, who all looked at us curiously – except for Edward and Alice, who had obviously heard our entire conversation using their extra talents – but tactfully didn't ask any questions. I was just about to settle myself onto the sofa next to Edward, a space which he had obviously saved for me, when Eleazar eyed me speculatively and asked in a quiet voice if I would speak to him in the other room.

Several eyes looked up at me with curiosity at this, Edward, Carlisle and Carmen seeming especially fascinated, and I felt as though there was a silent understanding in the room that I was not privy to. Everyone seemed curious about what Eleazar wanted to say to me, but not surprised, as if they had half expected this exchange. Curious myself now, I followed him out.

He led me to a victorian-style study, with a huge oak desk and shelves of leather bound books. It was rather reminiscent of Carlisle's study back home. I sat in the seat he gestured me to, and then he brought the other chair out from behind the desk and sat next to me.

"Has Carlisle told you what my talent is?" He asked me, and I shook my head.

"It is a bit of an odd one really," he continued, "I sense other people's talents. Not the most exciting thing ever, but it has come in useful over the years. Has anyone spoken to you about what yours might be?"

"No, not really. You mean I might have one? I just assumed I didn't have any special talents. Carlisle did mention that I had pretty good self control. Is that it?"

"Control? Hmm," he mused, "that isn't specifically what I was going to say, though I suppose there is a possibility that control is a facet of it. You are a shield, Bella."

"A shield? Shielding what?"

"Yourself. Well, more specifically, your mind. Haven't you ever wondered why Edward can't hear your thoughts?"

"Well, um, I guess I just thought that my brain was wrong, or something."

"Wrong! My dear, it is anything but. It is quite exceptional. In fact... will you allow me to try something?"

"Um..." That sounded ominous, and I didn't relish the thought of being a lab rat, but his face was open, kindly, and genuinely interested, and I found that I was interested too. It was an astonishing thought that my mental silence might be an asset, not a defect. I decided to trust that my family would not bring me here if it wasn't safe.

But just as I decided to accede to Eleazar's request, Edward came bursting into the room with a look of fury on his face, with everyone else crowding into the doorway behind him a few seconds later.

"How _dare_ you even suggest that?" Edward's tone was icy, and he stood menacingly over Eleazar's still-seated form. Eleazar held his hands up in a conciliatory fashion, but Edward was in no mood to be soothed.

"How dare you even _think_ of doing that to Bella?" Edward turned to me, "get in the car. Now. We are leaving, and we won't be coming back."

I simply stood there, puzzled. Evidently Edward had heard something in Eleazar's thoughts which he hadn't liked, but what was it? Carlisle stepped forward and put a hand on Edward's shoulder, but he pulled away from the comforting touch.

"Edward, let's just talk about this for a moment, shall we? Let's just _calm down,"_ from the emphasis in his voice, and the look which passed between him and Jasper, I figured that Carlisle had decided to use Jasper's abilities to defuse the situation, at least until Edward could be reasoned with. The fixed set of Edward's jaw gradually relaxed as Jasper's talent worked its soporific magic.

"Now," Carlisle continued, "could you tell me what all this was about please Edward?"

"Eleazar saw that Bella was a shield, and that is why I can't hear her." Edward's voice was level, but even through Jasper's imposed calm I could hear the muted fury in his clipped tones. "He wanted to see exactly how far her shield extended. He was going to call Kate."

At this, several mouths dropped open, and even Carlisle looked shocked. I turned questioningly to Kate, who crossed her arms defensively over her chest and wouldn't return my gaze. Eleazar looked abashed.

"I can assure you," he said placatingly, "that I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't certain she would feel no ill-effects from it."

"If you were so certain," Edward rebutted, "then you wouldn't have even needed to check, would you?"

Eleazar had no reply to that.

"Excuse me," I piped up, a little irritated that a whole room of people were having a conversation about me, and I had no clue what they were talking about, "but would anyone mind actually telling me what is going on here?"

"Kate has a talent too," Carlisle said in a kindly but stiff tone, "Eleazar wanted to see if you could shield yourself against it."

"Well fine, what's wrong with that?"

"What is wrong with that, is that Kate's talent isn't like mine. Her talent is to hurt people." Edward's voice was harsh and flat.

"What Edward means," Carlisle interrupted, with a chiding look at Edward, "is that Kate can administer something like an electric shock with her touch. I imagine it is the electrical element which made Eleazar think that your mind's shield would protect you. The mind is mainly electrical after all, even a vampire one."

Edward was not distracted by Carlisle's diversion into medical curiosity; he glared at Kate, who still wouldn't meet anyone's eyes, and looked like – if it were possible – she would burst into tears at any moment. I felt sorry for her, imagining how I would have felt if Eleazar had brought me into this room to tell me that I had her talent, not my own. It seemed to me that her gift was more of a curse.

In fact, looking at the guilt and misery on her face, I was abruptly angry. With Eleazar, for putting her on the spot like this, and with Edward for blaming her for things that weren't her fault.

And the thing about anger is that sometimes it makes me a little, well, crazy. Foolhardy, reckless, contrary. Looking around the room I suddenly had only one thing I wanted to do, so I walked up to Kate and whispered quickly in her ear, hoping to act before Edward or anyone else could stop me.

"Whatever happens, don't blame yourself for what you can do. Your talent doesn't define who you are. I'd like to know, if you'd let me, if I can shield myself against you, but I don't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with. Would you do this for me?"

She nodded, and as I stepped back she held out a hesitant hand to me. I grasped it, and waited cautiously, wondering what on earth I was getting myself into, when just moments later I felt someone grab me by the shoulders and pull me bodily away from her. When I looked up I saw that, unsurprisingly, it was Edward.

"Let me go," I hissed at him, "I'm not a child, and this is _my_ choice, not yours." I struggled in his arms, but after all these months my newborn power was finally waning, and Edward had a strength born of sheer desperation. Everyone else simply stood back, not knowing what to do about the situation, until Kate piped up.

"You might as well stop, Edward. You're too late, I already tried."

I grinned up at him in smug triumph. Smug because he hadn't been able to stop me, and just a little bit because my immunity to Kate's power proved that I wasn't defective, I was talented. I was also irritated at Edward; he still couldn't seem to understand that my life did not belong to him. His grip went slack so I shrugged away from him, moving to stand half in front of Kate; I was resolved that if this development made him angry, I wouldn't let him hurt her for helping me with my experiment.

_'Wouldn't let him hurt her' _? What was I thinking? And more importantly, what was I doing with someone that I thought would hurt someone like Kate simply for doing me a favour?

How well did I really know Edward?


	16. Discord

We left rather swiftly after that, and with all my newfound doubts and uncertainties, I found that I had no desire to sit next to Edward in his car, so when we left the house I took Alice's hand and walked deliberately over to Rosalie's convertible. The look Esme shot me was understanding, but sad, as she and Carlisle joined Jasper in the Volvo.

Edward had stayed in the house briefly to speak to Eleazar – having promised Carlisle that he didn't intend to cause trouble – so when he came out a couple of minutes later, we were already in the cars. When he saw the altered seating arrangements, he started pacing angrily over to us, but Rosalie revved the engine and swiftly drove off. Looking behind me I could just see Carlisle getting out of the other car to reason with Edward.

We sat in awkward silence all the way home, and Alice kept shooting me anxious glances. When we drew up outside the house, I went straight to my room, a room I hadn't used for more than dressing since Edward and I had got together. Alice followed me up and cautiously knocked on the door I had slammed behind me.

I was tempted to tell her to get lost, but after a second I realised that there was no point taking my anger at Edward out on her, so I let her in and she settled down opposite me on the bed. For several minutes we simply sat in silence, each of us alone with our thoughts, until finally I spoke.

"Alice," I asked, my voice sounding surprisingly vulnerable, "do you think that Edward is a good person?"

She thought for a minute.

"I think... I think that everyone is a good person, and a bad person, all rolled into one. I don't think that anyone is one thing or the other, and if you expect them to be, you'll just end up disappointed."

"But some people are better than others, right?" The look in Alice's eyes was sympathetic, and so kind that it was almost enough to ease some of the aching pain in my chest. Almost.

"I suppose so. But I don't think that anyone is irredeemable. What's bothering you, Bella?"

"Edward, back there, is he always like that?"

"No one is always like anything Bella. But yes, it is a facet of his nature to be overprotective. Not usually to that extent though. The only other time I have seen him go that over the top was when a passing nomad insulted Esme. You bring it out in him, I'm afraid."

"I wish I didn't. I don't like that side of him. He was so overbearing, he didn't even seem to care what I thought, or what I wanted. And you saw how he made Kate feel; she can't help her ability any more than you can help yours. He had no right to hold it against her, or judge her for it. And there was a moment there when I thought he would hit her! Can I really be with a man like that?"

"You know I can't tell you that, Bella."

I found that my chest was heaving with silent sobs. "I wish you could," I choked out, and then I lay down with my head in her lap, and wept helplessly as she stroked the hair from my face.

"Me too, Bella." She sighed. "Me too."

It felt like hours that I lay there, but in reality it could only have been a few minutes before Edward got home. I didn't notice the sound of the car pulling up, or the footsteps on the stairs, but I did notice when the door burst open, and Edward flew in. He took in the scene in one glance, then wrenched me from Alice's lap with a livid expression on his face. He held me for barely a second though, for I pushed myself from him with revulsion, landing in a defensive crouch.

"Get out Edward," my voice was steely and implacable, despite my internal turmoil. Edward ignored me.

"What happened?" He demanded of Alice, his voice harsh.

Alice stayed quiet, looking uncomfortable, and I could see that she was torn between not wanting to get involved, and wanting to protect me from Edward's rage.

"It's ok Alice, I'll handle this," I said to her, and with a last wary look at Edward she got up and left the room. When she was gone, I shut the door and finally turned to face Edward.

"What the hell was that?" Any progress I'd been making in keeping my temper flew out of the window. I was utterly furious. Edward seemed to see my rage, for his reply was tentative and defensive.

"What was what?"

"Where do you get off controlling my life, Edward? Who gave you the right to make my decisions for me? And then you walk in here and you have the sheer gall to ask _Alice_ about me when I was right there. What on earth is wrong with you?"

"I wasn't trying to talk over you Bella, it's just that you looked upset and I didn't want to bother you. That's the only reason I asked Alice what had happened instead of you." His soft words failed to placate me. There was _no_ justification for the way he had been acting.

"Oh, you didn't want to bother me, so you just picked me up out of Alice's lap where I was quite happy thank you very much, with out so much as asking me? Because _that_ wouldn't bother me at all, would it?" Ah, sarcasm, my favourite refuge in times of discord.

"Bella, why are you so angry? I was trying to comfort you." Edward sounded confused, and he had that intense look of concentration he got when he was trying extra hard to hear my silent thoughts. For some reason, that now bugged me as well.

"_Alice_ was comforting me. You were just making an ass of yourself. Stop trying to read my mind and talk to me, damn it. Ask me things. Stop assuming you have a right to do whatever you want to me, or for me, or with me. I'm a person for god's sake!"

"I never said you weren't. Bella, what's wrong? What's brought all this on? We were happy this morning."

"_You _were happy this morning, Edward. I was just ignorant." It was all too much. I could feel the sobs threatening to return and I simply refused to cry in front of Edward. I turned and walked to the door.

"Bella, stop," Edward pleaded. "We need to talk about this." I stopped in the doorway to reply to him, but I didn't turn round; I knew that if I saw the pain on his face, I would soften.

"No Edward, you stop. 'We' don't need to do anything. I need to talk about this, with Alice. Like I was going to before you came barging in without so much as a by-your-leave. You need to butt out."

If Edward replied, I didn't hear it. I strode purposefully to Alice and Jasper's room, surprised to find not only Alice and Jasper, but Carlisle and Esme as well.

"We can leave, if you like, Bella. We just wanted you to know that we are here for you, if you'd like to talk to us," Carlisle said hastily, as I paused in the doorway in shock.

"No, you can stay," I said, as I collapsed on the bed, suddenly exhausted by the emotions of the day. As before, I curled up in Alice's lap, finding her quiet comfort soothing. Esme took my nearest hand in hers, and stroked it gently.

"I just don't know what to do," I moaned, as a fresh wave of sobs overtook me.

"What do you want to do?" Alice asked gently.

"I just want to get away from him. I need to think, and he won't leave me alone for five seconds. It's like he equates 'partner' with 'chattel'. I don't belong to him!" I choked the words out through my angry sobs, my hand gripping Esme's in frustration.

"I'm sure he doesn't really think like that, honey. This is all just so new to him..." Esme's defence of Edward just irritated me more, so I cut her off.

"What, and it isn't new to me? Look, I know you want to play peacemaker and calm me down, but I have a right to feel what I'm feeling. Maybe you and Carlisle should leave. I'm sorry, but I need people who are on _my_ side right now, not his, and not sitting on the fence. I need to work out what's right for me, without having to worry about Edward." I felt bad for essentially throwing them out, when I knew they were only trying to help, but there was a reason I'd sought out Alice's company; I knew that she would accept whatever I said and whatever I decided without question.

"We understand. You know where we are if you need us Bella," and with that, Carlisle took Esme by the hand and led her out. To my surprise, Jasper stood to leave as well.

"I'm sorry Bella, but it is too much in my nature to try to solve things. I'm not what you need right now either. I'll stay with Edward to make sure he doesn't come to find you again."

And with that, Alice and I were alone again.

"Bella," she said, her voice strangely hesitant, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but are you sure you want to talk to me about this? There's still a little part of me that would like nothing better than for you to break up with Edward, and I don't want you to do anything you'll regret just because of me."

"Don't you see Alice? That is precisely why I need to be talking to you not anyone else. Right now, there's a fairly big part of me that wants exactly what that little part of you does. If I talked to Esme, or Carlisle, or anyone else, and stayed with him, I'd spend the rest of my incredibly long life always wondering whether it was really my decision, or whether I let them talk me into it. If, even after talking to you, I want to stay with him, then I'll know for certain that it was my choice and no one else's. And I'm really sick of other people making my choices for me."

"I understand, Bella, I just wanted to make sure."

"Thanks Alice. I know you were just looking out for me. Like always." I don't think I'd realised until today, separated from Edward and with my world crashing down around me, exactly how much Alice's friendship meant to me. I would have thought that I wasn't so used to having such unconditional and pure friendship that I would take it for granted, but I had.

"You know, I don't think I've told you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me, Alice," I began, but she cut me off with a sweet, sad smile.

"You don't have to tell me, Bella. I know how much you mean to me, so I guess that gives me a good idea of how much I mean to you." I smiled at her in confirmation, happy to see that she was more secure than she had been. "But this isn't what you need to be telling me right now, is it, Bella?"

I shook my head and sighed. Having been so adamant that I needed to talk this over with Alice, I was now lost for words.

"Tell me when it started," she suggested.

"It didn't start!" With just that one little prompt I was off and running, as my frustration found its voice. "He's always been like that. But, I guess I started noticing it today, when he burst into Eleazar's room."

"And what exactly did you notice?"

"Well, I know the concept of privacy doesn't exactly apply to him, what with the mind-reading thing, but my conversation with Eleazar was private. He took me into another room for a reason, you know?" She nodded.

"And fine, I guess he was just trying to protect me, but protect me from what? The Denalis are our friends. I've only met them once, but I already trust them. So maybe Eleazar wasn't thinking when he suggested we use Kate to test my shield, but do you honestly believe he would have forced me to do it? Or done it without telling me what Kate could do first? And even if he had, do you really think Kate would have tried to shock me without my permission? No. So what was there to protect me from in that?"

"Good point," Alice replied.

"And even if they had held me down and shocked me, it isn't like it would do any permanent damage, except perhaps to our friendship. So, you know, worst case scenario is a single second of pain? Not to mention that, oh yeah, my shield _did_ work, like Eleazar thought it did, so I wouldn't have felt a thing anyway."

"So I guess we've established that Edward was being overprotective, and the threat to you was negligent, if it even existed. Is it his protectiveness that is upsetting you though? He's always been like that with you, after all, and plenty of us are guilty of the same crime. I'm sorry to say that you seem to bring that out in people."

She had a point, it wasn't just him, everyone in this family was protective of me, often to ridiculous extremes, and I'd never gotten angry at a single one of them for it. Why did it bug me so much when Edward did it?

"But with Edward it's different," and, I realised, it _was_ different, "I mean, take you. When you took me off to the cabin with Jasper, that was overprotective, yes?" She nodded guiltily.

"But I didn't get angry with you, because even if it was an extreme reaction, it was a response to a _real_ threat. I really did need protecting at that point. I was so overwhelmed by everything, and so scared of seeing Edward, that I did need you to take care of me.

"He knew that I'd left with you by choice, to get away from him. We gave him no indication whatsoever that we wanted him to find us, but he did. He knew I needed some space, but he followed me anyway. He hunted me, tracked me down, and all because _he_ thought that was what I needed."

"Bella, you must admit, things were going pretty badly in the cabin. Things got so much better when we came here instead."

"But that isn't the point, Alice! As far as he knew we were perfectly happy. And even if we were making a mistake in staying, it was our mistake to make! Edward isn't like you, or any of the others. He protects me when there is nothing to protect me from, except perhaps the oh-so-terrifying prospect of making decisions for myself. He doesn't protect me from real things, he protects me from myself, from making my own choices and mistakes. He patronises me, treats me like an idiot, or a child. We are supposed to be partners, equals, but he doesn't treat me as an equal."

"Ok, so there's your first problem," she said with astonishing calm and pragmatism. I was grateful for that; her attitude made it seem like these were things which could be overcome, not the earth-shattering catastrophes they seemed to me.

"Now, onto your second problem," she continued, "you mentioned his treatment of Kate earlier, did that bother you as well?"

"Well, shouldn't it bother me? He was awful to her!"

"Now, I'm not defending what he did, Bella, treating someone like that _is_ inexcusable, but you saw him. He wasn't thinking about what he was saying, it was the heat of the moment and he was simply polarising the world into 'friends' and 'enemies'. Kate could potentially have hurt you, so she was an enemy. Do you think you should judge him on actions he didn't think through?" She didn't say that rhetorically, her tone indicated that it was an actual question.

So I thought about it. Was it fair to judge him on that? I'd done stupid things without thinking, we all had. Did I want to be judged for them?

Ok, probably not. But that wasn't the question. The question was whether I _should_ be judged for them, and thinking back over all of my hasty mistakes, I decided that yes, I should. It had been my choice, every time, not to think things through and act rationally, and even in situations where time constraints didn't allow for thinking time, it was still _me_ acting, not anyone else.

"Yes," I said, with quiet certainty in my voice, "if anything, he should be judged more for actions he didn't think through. Split second decisions say a lot more about a person than thought-out rational ones. And I don't like what his said about him."

"What did they say?"

I had definitely made the right decision in talking to Alice. Her quiet questions were thoughtful, incisive. They helped me see to the heart of what I was thinking and feeling, and make sense of it.

"They say that he has a hot temper, and he is too quick to shoot first and ask questions later. They say that his first instinct about me is that I can't take care of myself. They say that he is arrogant, and he has a huge sense of entitlement to other people's secrets; there were plenty of other thoughts in the house, he could easily have tuned Eleazar's out when he knew that he and I wanted privacy, but he didn't. From the speed that he burst in on us, it was obvious that he wasn't just accidentally overhearing us, he was listening on purpose.

"He is self-centred, self-involved, and self-important. Sometimes I don't think he even sees me, except as an extension of himself. He seems to think it is some great concession if he _permits _me to make a decision for myself." I was crying again, crying from the pain in my breaking heart. For, despite it all, I did love him. I might not want to love him, it might not make sense for me to love him, but I still did.

But once again Alice saved me from despair, the quiet voice of reason cutting through all of my irrationality.

"Ok, so there are your problems. In fact, to be honest, that all sounds like one single mess to me. What it all boils down to is that Edward doesn't seem to trust you, am I right?"

And, once again, she was. He had intruded on my privacy, lashed out at Kate, and physically restrained me from following through on my decision to try Eleazar's experiment, because he didn't trust me to make the right choices. I nodded.

"So, what are you going to do about it?"

APOV

I let Bella think without interrupting. I must admit to feeling a certain pride at how Bella had handled this whole situation; she was getting so much more confident, so much more self-assured, and though she had been emotional, she had not given in to her emotions so totally that she hadn't been able to discuss things rationally.

I just hoped that I'd said the right things. After all this time, Bella had finally come to me for help, of her own accord, and I had been so terrified that I was practically incapable of speech. I had worried so much that I might bias her, or not help her at all, that in the end I had limited my responses mainly to questions, taking great pains not to imply any of my own opinions through tone or syntax. She seemed calmer now, so I mentally crossed my fingers and prayed that my words had helped her to sort through her feelings.

I took a quick peek into the future, to check that I hadn't caused any obvious bad consequences, but Bella was still undecided, so there was nothing concrete.

Looking back over what I had said, I tried to settle my worries. I hadn't suggested any particular course of action, or tried to sow dissent between her and Edward. I thought that I had struck a good balance; as per Bella's request, I hadn't tried to defend Edward's actions – and really, most of them were quite indefensible anyway – but nor had I allowed my lingering unease with their relationship to cloud my words.

"Alice," Bella's words broke the silence, "can I ask you a huge favour?"

"Anything, Bella." It wasn't a lie. I really would do anything for her. My devotion still took me by surprise sometimes.

"I know you don't like to share your cabin with anyone but Jasper, but I really need some time alone with Edward, out of the house, somewhere where he will be without the benefit of listening to other people's thoughts. I do sometimes wonder how many of his insights about me really come from you, or Jasper, or any of the others. I want to speak to him on equal terms. Also, I think it would help me, being somewhere where I'm in control. I know the cabin is yours and Jasper's really, but I lived there for a while, so it's more my territory than his, and I don't know where else to go."

Oh how the sudden stabbing flare of jealousy tore at my chest. I wanted to double over, collapse inwards on myself, in an attempt to hold myself together through the pain, but I forced myself to keep sitting straight, forced my hand to keep gently stroking Bella's hair, forced my voice to stay level.

I had given Bella what she needed from me, and whether I, or she, liked it or not, Edward _was_ her mate, and that wasn't about to change. She and Edward needed time alone, and I could acknowledge that rationally, even as I wanted to take her in my arms and spirit her away from the man who just kept hurting her.

Would this ever get easier? Would I ever be able to see her walk away from me without wanting to die?

"Of course Bella, take however long you need. And remember what you said, it is _your _place, not his. If he puts one single toe out of line, then you just call me and Jasper and we'll come and sort him out for you. Stay strong, Bella. Don't back down. This is your future, and it's too important for you to compromise."

"Thank you Alice, you have no idea how much I appreciate all this. I couldn't ask for a better sister. I'll keep my phone with me the whole time, you can get in touch whenever you want. You never know, if Edward actually manages to stop being a complete idiot, we could be home tomorrow."

"I doubt it though." If there was ever a time when Edward should grow up, this was it. And if there was ever a time when he absolutely wouldn't, well, this was it too. Bella chuckled. I was reassured to find that her humour had returned, but then I had noticed that with Bella, it was the decision, not the action which she found difficult. Once she had made her mind up, she followed through with very little second-guessing or worry.

"I doubt it too. But I love him, so I can't give up. We'll work this out, somehow."

BPOV

I took a few more minutes to compose myself, and then went to find Edward. He was still in my room, slumped on my bed glaring at Jasper, who was standing defensively in the doorway. It seemed that Jasper had stood by his promise to keep Edward away until I was ready to speak to him.

When Edward looked up and met my gaze, his eyes were haunted, desperate. I felt my already-broken heart fracture further at the sight of his pain, but I kept my resolve. It wasn't just my heart that was broken, we were. Broken and out of balance. We couldn't keep going the way we had been.

I thanked Jasper quietly as he turned and left. I expected Edward to leap up and come to me when Jasper was no longer blocking the way, but he simply sat there, shoulders slumped in defeat and resignation. I sat beside him on the bed, not knowing what to say.

"I'll leave, if you like." His voice was barely a whisper, cracked and hoarse.

"We're both leaving, for a while." My voice was hardly any better, strained from the effort needed to prevent myself simply taking him in my arms and pretending everything was ok. I was right to have talked this through without him there first; I really did love him too much to be rational.

I reminded myself that this was a problem that wouldn't go away, that things would only get worse if we ignored them. I tried to tell myself that if Edward truly loved me as much as he said he did, then he would listen to me.

"Leaving?" His voice wasn't just neutral, it was empty, dead. I remembered that tone all too well, it was the sound of defeat. He had given up. It seems that my hasty abandonment of him had done more damage than I had expected, but I was confident that, just as he had healed me when I had thought all was lost, I would be able to heal him.

"I thought we could have some time together, alone, to sort some things out. Alice said we could use her cabin. Will you come with me?" Somehow his weakness had brought out my strength; what he needed I became. My voice was more confident as I took control of the situation.

"Anywhere, love." And, unexpectedly, he seemed to respond to my confidence. He no longer sounded quite as desolate, not quite as hopeless. I stood and held out my hand to him. He grasped it weakly, but I held him tight, and led him out into the velvet darkness.


	17. Deeper

EPOV

"It's decision time, Edward. Am I your partner, or your pet?"

We hadn't spoken the entire way here. To my comfort, she held my hand as we ran, and I had clutched it as a drowning sailor would hold a piece of driftwood, not knowing if this would be the last time I touched her soft, fragrant skin.

I had glanced at her often as we ran, trying to read her expression, but her face was blank, and she stared forward, never turning to meet my gaze.

Despite my preternatural speed, I began to fall behind, until our linked hands were stretched between us and my legs felt leaden and unresponsive. With every stride this felt less like a run with my beloved, and more like I was being dragged to the executioner's block.

I had run this way many a time before, when I had been searching for Bella, and it felt as though all my doubts and fears were haunting the path, waiting to ambush me should I be foolish enough to come this way again. Just as it had before, my terror spiralled relentlessly around my mind, giving me no chance to think before the cabin loomed ahead of me, the dark wood of the door looking like a huge, monstrous maw, waiting to swallow me whole.

All too soon, we were there, and Bella let go of my hand. I stood, bereft, and feeling oddly dwarfed by the stark interior of the cabin. Sheer aching dread tore at me when Bella took the chair by the unlit fireplace; I had hoped she would sit on the sofa so that I could sit next to her.

Standing before Bella I felt like a child, sent to the headmaster's office for punishment, so I sat in the centre of the sofa, the empty space on either side of me reinforcing my isolation.

Too late I realised that sitting here was even worse than standing. The sofa was lower than the chair, and its softness prevented me from sitting at attention as I wished; instead I sank into its enveloping cushions, feeling trapped and claustrophobic. Sitting straight and elegant above me on the chair, Bella was beautiful, and imposing. An ice queen who held my worthless life in her uncaring hands. I shivered, feeling cold for the first time in more than eighty years; I did not recognise this glacial beauty, there was nothing in her face of the Bella that I knew.

And then, what was it? A slight tilting of the head, perhaps, or a sudden pinch of misery around the eyes. In an instant the alien creature before me was gone and she was Bella again. Without moving, her whole body seemed to sag, to collapse in upon itself, as if she were being eaten away, hollowed out from the inside.

This Bella I knew. Knew and had wished never to see again. This was the wounded, lost little fledgling who had once begged me to kill her.

Somehow I had broken her again, and I did not know how.

When at last she opened her mouth, she spoke in a voice which was, on the surface, strong and resolved, but with audible pain and weariness lurking underneath.

"It's decision time, Edward. Am I your partner, or your pet?"

"I don't understand," I replied, puzzled by her demand. Of course Bella was my partner. She was my soul-mate, she completed me. There was no one in the world more important to me than her.

"If I was your partner, then you would support me in making my own decisions, you would treat me as an equal, and you would respect me, but you don't. So, I must be mistaken. I must be your pet instead.

"Bella, please. I don't understand what I've done wrong. If you'll just tell me, I promise I'll change, but you have to tell me."

"I shouldn't have to tell you, Edward. The man I love should _know_ that some things just aren't ok."

I held my breath in horror. This was it. This was the moment when she would leave me. With the last scrap of sentience I possessed, the final, tiny part of me which would survive her absence, survive to ensure that I lived on, to suffer for eternity; with that last minute whisper of consciousness, I hoped that she would return to our family. Her family now. I would not return to them without her. I hoped that she would live with them, and be happy.

"But I can't choose who I love, so I guess I'll just have to tell you."

I heard every word she said, but I couldn't join them in my head. It seemed a nonsense sentence, the kind a teacher would throw in to catch you out, when speaking a foreign language. In vain, I tried to piece together the puzzle of her voice, but sense eluded me. I was simply unable to grasp her meaning.

She tilted her head quizzically at my uncomprehending face, and leaned in towards me.

"Edward?" She looked worried, vulnerable, "what's wrong?"

"I, I don't understand," I choked out, though my words sounded as foreign as hers had, tasted alien on my tongue.

"That's why I told you I'd explain, silly!"

It was that last, frustrated word which roused me from my confusion, and seemed to also awaken her from her hopelessness; through her worry and pain, I detected just the faintest sliver of glee in her voice at being able to apply to me the epithet which was so commonly used to name her.

She was... teasing me? Unless this was the blackest form of gallows humour, then perhaps there was hope for me yet. Maybe she was going to give me a chance.

Her words came flooding back to me now, filled to overflowing with the meaning which had seemed drained from them before; _"But I can't choose who I love, so I guess I'll just have to tell you."_

It was all I could ask for, all I could hope for. Not the undeserved forgiveness which Bella has bestowed upon me so many times; unearned and unenlightening, instead she offered me understanding, and a chance to become what she wished me to be. A chance to finally earn the love she gave me.

BPOV

This was it, our future. I absolutely had to get this right. It was all very well saying that Edward should just know how to act around me, as if he had any more experience with this than I did, but when it came down to it, this was as much my responsibility as his, so I had to explain this, and I had to get it right.

"The thing is, Edward, I know I'm the youngest. I was changed younger than the rest of you, and I've only been a, um, like you," yeah... still couldn't quite manage _that _particular word, "for less than a year. But just because I'm youngest, doesn't mean I'm _young_. Do you understand Edward? I'm not a child."

He still looked thoughtful, but he nodded, and gestured for me to continue.

"Sometimes it feels like you think I am, though." I prompted, encouraging him to speak. I didn't want either of us to feel like I was dictating to him. I didn't just want to shift the power balance in my favour. I wanted us to be equals. So I wanted to hear what he thought of what I was saying.

"Why, Bella? Why do you feel that way? I don't think of you like that at all, I think you're wonderful. Strong, and capable, and brave..."

His compliments were a balm to my bruised ego, but that is all they were. They didn't change anything. He could think that way all he liked, but until he learned to act that way, I'd keep feeling this frustration. I wasn't sure whether or not to be happy that he wasn't treating me this way on purpose; on the plus side, it was nice to know that he really didn't think that I was in any way inferior to him, but on the minus side, if his reactions were instinctive, not thought through, they would be harder to change.

I would just have to be patient then, because even as he hurt and infuriated me with his behaviour, I couldn't imagine life without him.

Actually, scrap that. I could, and it hurt. A lot.

"I am those things, Edward. Sometimes. And sometimes I am naïve, reckless, and scared. You can't keep seeing me in these absolutes, because I'm all of them, and none of them. Just like you are. I don't belong on a pedestal."

"I... I'm sorry Bella. I want to understand what you're saying, I really am trying to, it's just... I just don't get it."

It was no good. I just wasn't saying it right. It was impossible to, when what I felt didn't exist in words. I just couldn't translate what I was thinking. I had to try a different approach.

"Ok, I suppose I'm not really explaining myself well. I know what I'm trying to say, but, I just can't find the words."

"I just don't understand any of this Bella. I don't know how we got here. Yesterday we were happy, and then we weren't, and I don't know what happened to change that."

"Things had been going wrong for a while, Edward. Yesterday just brought things into focus. Tell me, what was going through your head when you decided to listen to what Eleazar was telling me?"

"I was curious." And the irritation was back. I fought to quell it, but there was something in his tone, the easy assumption that simply because he wanted something, he had a right to take it. It occurred to me that perhaps he, not I, was the child in this relationship. A spoiled child.

"So?" I couldn't keep the challenging tone out of my voice, but perhaps Edward needed to be challenged. The 'softly softly' approach wasn't getting us anywhere.

"So what?" His expression was childlike, perplexed, as if he honestly had no clue that there was anything wrong with his behaviour.

"So, you listened in because you were curious. Did it not occur to you that Eleazar took me into the other room for a reason? That maybe we wanted some privacy?"

"But..." I waited, but he didn't seem inclined to finish that sentence.

"But what, Edward? But the rules are different to you, because you can read minds?"

"Well... yes."

"Well... no, Edward. We all acknowledge that there are times when you really can't help what you hear, but this wasn't one of them, was it? There were plenty of other, closer thoughts to focus on. But you listened to Eleazar's... because you were curious. Is that right?" He nodded.

"There's a difference between hearing things you can't help, and actively seeking out thoughts you have no right to."

"But we're soulmates, Bella. We share things,"

"Yes, Edward. We _share_ things. We don't take them. We don't go spying and eavesdropping on each other. If you hadn't barged in there, then probably the very first thing I would have done once Eleazar and I had finished talking, was come and tell you and the rest of the family, in which case, you would have known anyway."

"If I hadn't come barging in there, Kate would have attacked you!"

I kept reminding myself that losing my temper wouldn't help anything. It was difficult though. He was just so self satisfied. So oblivious. So arrogant.

"Kate would not have attacked me. The only person in that room who assaulted me was you, Edward." My voice was flat and icy, and I was beginning to wonder whether I could ever get this idea through to Edward.

I was beginning to wonder what I would do if I couldn't.

The thought of losing him... well, it hurt more than I could bear. And I wouldn't just lose him, I would lose my whole family. Oh, I knew that they had accepted me for me, but if I couldn't be with Edward, it would be because there were parts of him I couldn't live with. So if I couldn't live with him, then I couldn't keep, well, living with him, could I? I would lose everything if I left him.

But what if I didn't? Could I stay with him, put up with his smug, overbearing superiority for all eternity? What sort of person would I be if I did?

"Assaulted you? Bella, I would never..."

I cut him off.

"Yes Edward, assaulted. You grabbed me, hauled me across the room, against my will. That's assault."

"I was protecting you Bella!"

"From what, Edward? You keep talking about Kate and Eleazar, but this isn't about them at all, they wouldn't have hurt me, they're just scapegoats. What you were 'protecting' me from, is the terrifying, horrifying prospect of me actually making a decision for myself." Unexpectedly, it suddenly wasn't difficult to keep my temper, and a lot of the ire in my voice was forced. Infuriatingly I could already feel myself forgiving him. This wasn't his fault, not really. Looking at the innocent incomprehension on his face I could see that it was simply his nature to protect those he loved. It was just who he was.

"I was trying to protect you from pain, Bella. You didn't know what Kate could do to you. Did you want to be hurt?"

"If I'm honest? No. If you hadn't made me so angry, I probably wouldn't ever have gone through with that little experiment. But I wanted it to be my choice, not yours. So I had to, do you understand?"

"I... I made you... you tried to... because of me?" He looked lost, bereft, as though the world had dropped out from under him, and I simply could not be angry anymore. I left my perch on the chair and sat next to him on the sofa. I could see by the way he inclined his body towards me, that he was aching to touch me, but didn't dare, so I reached out and pulled him to me, cradling him and stroking his hair soothingly.

"Oh Edward. I know you didn't mean any of this. We're both strangers to relationships like this, we're bound to make mistakes. But surely it's better that we talk them through, before they drive us apart?"

"But you just shut me out, Bella," His tone wasn't accusatory, wasn't designed to make me feel guilty... so of course, I felt all the more guilty because of it.

_Shh, _I quieted my seething thoughts, _there's nothing to feel guilty about. Alice is your friend; friends talk to each other about things._

"I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned, Edward. I just needed to talk things through with someone else. You saw how I was before I went away with Alice; I was in no mood to talk sensibly. Speaking to Alice gave me some distance from things, made things seem more manageable. She's my friend, Edward. That's what friends are for, and I won't give that up just to be with you. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll find you don't want me to." Well, I hoped that was true.

"Of course I want you to have friends, Bella. I just thought, well, that we're together, so you'd want to talk to me about things."

"I think you've been waiting for love too long Edward, and you have all these huge, overblown ideas about what it 'should' be. Why can't we just do things our own way? Find what works for us? Can't we do what we want to, not just what we should?"

"I'm just trying to get things right Bella. I've had nearly a century to perfect being a son, a brother, and a friend, and a matter of months to learn to be a lover. I'm not accustomed to so much uncertainty. I'm not used to struggling."

"I know it's difficult for you. It's difficult for me too. For now, can we just forget about trying to get it right, and just try to have fun instead?"

And the roller coaster that was my newborn emotions had a very good idea as to what sort of 'fun' it wanted right now. How was it possible that just a few minutes ago I had been furious with Edward, and now I was barely concentrating on our conversation, instead tracing the line of his jaw with my eyes, feeling the liquid copper of his hair caress my fingers, inhaling his enticing scent.

Oh yes, I knew exactly what sort of fun I wanted.

EPOV

"Why don't we try a little experiment..." Bella said, a strange edge to her voice.

I was wary, the word 'experiment' bringing back bitter memories of the previous day's confrontation, but I couldn't deny my Bella anything, and at least she didn't sound so sad anymore.

"Let's see if you're capable of taking the back seat for a while and letting me be in charge. It'll be good practice for you,"

"Ok," I replied, ready to take on any challenge Bella gave me, anything to keep her by my side.

"Stand over there," she said, pointing to the centre of the room. Confused, I did as she asked, hoping that my instant and unequivocal obedience would prove to Bella that I could treat her as an equal.

And so I stood, unmoving and unquestioning as she walked up to me and began slowly unbuttoning my shirt. When she leaned in to sniff delicately at my exposed chest, however, I couldn't help the sensuous shudder which rippled down my spine.

When she started tugging the unbuttoned shirt from my shoulders, I lifted my my arms to help her, shrugging the fabric away from me, but I stopped, startled, when she seized my wrists in her hands

"You're a slow learner, Edward," she whispered mockingly in my ear. "I'm in charge, remember?"

"I was only trying to help..." but she cut off my feeble protestations.

"That's the whole point, Edward. It's time you learned that when I want help, I'll ask for it. Now keep still, or it'll be way less fun, for both of us." Her menacing scowl was unconvincing.

I was slightly perplexed at the direction our discussion had taken, but we were together, so I wasn't complaining. I was willing to do whatever she thought necessary to repair our fledgling relationship. Even if it meant standing here stiffly as I ached to run my fingers through her hair and kiss her.

I watched impassively as she took my discarded shirt and twisted it into a loose rope between her hands. When she disappeared behind me I restrained the urge to follow her with my eyes, firmly keeping my head facing forwards.

And so I was surprised when she tied the shirt around my eyes, blindfolding me. Unsettled at having my sight stolen from me, I listened carefully, but could hear no movement in the room; like any vampire, Bella was capable of moving silently if she so wished.

I felt the touch of her lips at the nape of my neck, and pictured her standing on tiptoes, arching her back to kiss me. I felt a soft brush of fabric lower down my back, and realised with a jolt that it was her firm soft breasts pressing up against me. I felt a rush of arousal as these sensations were heightened by my blindness.

It was utterly confounding; I wanted, deserved, to feel weakened, humbled, sad. I had failed my Bella completely, on so many counts, failed her to such an extent that I couldn't even understand what success would be, couldn't understand what she was asking of me. I should feel awful, but I was putty in her hands, and her mere proximity was enough to drive me wild.

She left a trail of tantalising, lightning-fast kisses down my spine, and then disappeared again. Although I was still listening carefully for any trace of her, my attention was not as focused as it had been before; I could still feel every touch of her lips, every brush of her breasts, burning into my back, seeming to spread until my entire body was engulfed in the tingling bliss of her kisses.

I was so absorbed in the memory of her touch, that the sudden meeting of our lips surprised me. I was taken so unawares that I forgot that I was still forbidden to move, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her, returning her kiss with all the burning passion which had been building in me.

In a instant she was gone, squirming deftly from my embrace, and though I itched to tear away the blindfold and follow her, I understood the message, that this was to be on her terms only. I was rather ashamed at needing so much reminding.

"Next time I'll leave," she said, and though her voice was teasing, I heard the warning in it.

"I'm not sure I can keep from kissing you back, Bella, not when you kiss me like that."

An irritated hiss.

"Then next time, I won't kiss you on the lips," she replied, saucily, and I bit back another retort, reminding myself that I was supposed to be proving my willingness to let her take the lead.

"Take the blindfold off, Edward." A sexy whisper which made my trousers feel suddenly tight. The sound came in front of me, and so I was certain that she could see the effect she was having on me.

As I removed the blindfold and opened my blinking eyes to the light, the first thing I saw was a soft expanse of creamily smooth skin. Bella was draped seductively over the chair, completely naked. It was all I could do not to swoop over to her and cover her silky skin with kisses. I felt my fists clench with the effort of staying still.

But, hard though it was, the passive compliance she had been demanding was easy compared to what came next.

BPOV

I lay back as nonchalantly as I could in the chair, hoping Edward wouldn't notice how bitterly self-conscious I felt, comparing my softly nondescript body with his perfectly sculpted musculature. But, whatever I thought of my body, even the very depths of my insecurities could not ignore the sheer adoration and wonder in his eyes, every time he had seen my naked form.

It was like a drug, the rush I felt when I saw how much he desired me. It was as if I could see myself, through his eyes, transformed into an irresistible beauty. I wanted that feeling now, needed it.

"Take the blindfold off, Edward," I whispered, keeping my voice low to disguise the uncertainty in it.

But despite all my insecurities, Edward did not disappoint. As he uncovered his eyes, I could feel them raking over my body, leaving scorching lines along my skin as they passed. The heat in his eyes, the need, the hunger, it was all the reminder I needed that we were meant to be together.

"Come here, Edward," I said, revelling in the minute control I now had over my melodious voice. I could never have pulled off sexy as a human.

He stopped about two feet away, but I wanted him closer, so I reached out and took his hands in mine, pulling him forward until he stood scant inches away from me.

I leaned back and took a moment to admire the half naked adonis in front of me, caressing every sculpted line of him with my eyes. Really, could I fault him for being arrogant? He was perfection itself.

And mine. Unbelievably, astonishingly mine.

As I decided exactly what I wanted to do next, I almost blessed the volatility of my newborn self; were it not for the overwhelming hunger I felt, I would never have the confidence to do this.

Although at the time Edward had distracted me with pleasure, in the cold light of day his imperiousness during our last tryst had rankled. It was almost competitive; as if he wanted to prove that he loved me so much more than I loved him, so much that he enjoyed my pleasure more than his own. Well, two could play at that game, and I wanted my own turn to worship his body.

Slowly, giving him ample time to realise what I was doing, I reached out to unbutton his trousers. I saw his hands twitch towards me, as realisation crossed his features, but to my delight he controlled his response, allowing me to continue.

The sight of his unrestrained erection made my mouth water with desire, and I felt a fresh flow of juices between my legs, but I was still unsatisfied. I wanted to see all of him, every inch of his glorious, sculpted perfection.

"Take them off," and I no longer had to force my voice into a sexy huskiness, it was cracking and hoarse from lust.

He seemed only too eager to comply, and within seconds he was as naked as I. What I saw did not disappoint; although I had seen him without his clothes before, I had not truly had the chance to appreciate the glory of him.

Once I felt I had sufficiently drunk in the sight, I leaned forward, kissing the smooth plane of his stomach and running my hands greedily down his flanks. As I pressed myself into him, inhaling his scent, I felt his erection nestling between my breasts, and from the way it twitched invitingly against me, I think he noticed it too.

I kissed him again, lower on his stomach this time, and was gratified to feel him shiver beneath my touch. Again and again I kissed him, getting lower and lower until at last I reached my destination.

I felt a faint hesitation; I had never done this before, and suddenly the sheer size of him intimidated me, but desire won out and I stretched my lips around his girth, tasting his salty sweetness with my tongue. His hips bucked involuntarily, and I was suddenly grateful that I no longer had to breathe, and that my gag reflex had died along with my heartbeat.

It was deliciously overwhelming being so full of him, feeling the tight muscles of my throat stretch to accommodate him, but it lasted only an instant as he controlled his reaction and pulled away from me, apologising profusely.

"Shut up, Edward," I growled under my breath and put my hands on his hips to pull him back towards me. He resisted for only a moment, and somehow that felt even better to me than if he had not resisted at all; he had made the conscious decision to trust me, to give in to my desires and not assume he knew better. That thought was almost as delicious as he was.

I took my time now, meeting no resistance from Edward. I flicked my tongue over his tip, learning the shape of him, feeling the tension quiver through him, before taking him into my mouth once more.

I slowly slid my lips up and down his length, lovingly, as time and again Edward would lose control and his hips would jerk towards me in a motion I was sure was frustrating me as much as him. Finally, it was too much for me and I looked up into his feverish amber eyes and spoke.

"Edward, it's ok. Let go. _Take_ me." He looked down at me with desire and hesitation warring in his eyes, and the flickers of pure lust I saw sent shivers through me. I mentally crossed my fingers and begged him with my eyes. I understood now why my pleasure seemed to satisfy him so, since every breathy growl, every shudder, every evidence of his enjoyment sent jolts of arousal through me.

Just watching him, thinking of how he tasted in my mouth made me ache for him, and he seemed to see the desire in my eyes as he stroked his hands through my hair to cup my head.

I opened my mouth invitingly and he entered me. Slowly, hesitantly at first, but when his cautious foray into the back of my throat brought the same aching pleasure as it had that first accidental time, and I moaned around him in ecstasy, he became bolder, until we were moving as one. Finally his thrusts became wilder, less controlled, and I sensed how near he was. I still had my hands on his hips, and as the first gush of icy sweet venom filled my mouth and I felt him try to pull away from me I held him tighter, lapping up every drop of his sweet essence.

He dropped to his knees before me and kissed me, and I could see what I could only describe as awe on his face. I was so aroused that I felt like I was burning and I moaned into his mouth.

"Edward, please touch me, I need..."

And he knew exactly what I needed. Without breaking off our kiss his deft fingers found their way between my legs and in moments I was panting with my own climax. I slid off the chair onto his lap where he held me through my release.

"See how good things can be," I said a little breathlessly, "when you let me take charge for a while?"


	18. Together

APOV

As the vision came unbidden to my senses, I was for the thousandth time glad that my 'brothers and sisters' weren't actually blood relatives of mine, otherwise visions such as this one would be even more uncomfortable than they already were.

Sticking to my promise to myself, I hadn't been looking for Bella's future, but months of constant scrutiny had attuned me to her somewhat, and visions of her often came to me of their own accord. I was pleased to see that Bella and Edward were sorting things out, even if the method surprised me.

The images of their intimacy reminded me of how much of our alone time Jasper and I had been spending just talking, recently. In fact, our sex life had taken a serious nose dive ever since Bella had joined us; my preoccupation with her had driven all other concerns from my head.

Outwardly we were a quietly affectionate couple, nowhere near as demonstrative as Rosalie and Emmett, but in private, physical contact was very important to both of us. For me, it grounded me to the here and now, helped me suppress my visions, gave me a respite from the burden of the future. Jasper found that touching me actually heightened his extra sense, but in an odd way it was restful for him as well; touching me tuned in to just my emotions, and blocked everyone else's out. For both of us, our time together was a haven, an escape from the harsh realities of our world.

But of late, we had been talking more than touching, and the strain was showing. We were both feeling more fractious, fragile, short tempered. Now that I knew that Bella's needs had been met, it was time to focus on my own relationship once more.

I stood and took Jasper's hand, focusing on my feelings of love and desire for him. Carlisle and Esme barely looked up as we left, they had become used to such absences.

When we got to our room, we didn't speak. We were had no need for words. Jasper swept me up into his arms and laid me tenderly on the bed, stroking my cheek. I raised myself up on my elbows to kiss the fine white scars that marred his skin, their lines as familiar to me as my own face. When we had met, those marks had bothered him. He saw them as constant reminders of his bloodied past, a sign that he was an unfit match for my virginal purity, the innocence that came from my unremembered history.

Then one night, on our journey to meet the Cullens, I laid him down naked amongst the leaves and kissed each and every scar he possessed. He told me later that the touch of my lips had been like a healing balm, as if the wounds those marks represented had festered until I came along; an antidote to their poison. That night, I took his history as my own, my innocence washing away the pain and bloodshed of his memories, his long life filling up the void of my empty past.

Now those marks held nothing but a reminder of our love, of the knowledge that we were both scarred, both flawed, but both complemented and completed by the other. I loved the feel of those raised ridges under my fingers, as if my name were emblazoned upon his skin, the way his was upon my heart.

We kissed, and somewhere, as I melted into him, body and soul, he must have torn away our clothes, as when he moved to stroke his fingers down my back, it was bare. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck, and he kissed my forehead as he slowly entered me. We lay still for a moment, savouring the feeling of wholeness that came from being joined this way. As I always did, I revelled in the sense of completeness I felt, marvelled at the way my body fit his so perfectly, the yin to his yang.

His emotions began to flow into me, as they did at times like these. Just as Jasper's senses were limited to me when we touched with such intimacy, so was his projection, allowing him to completely relax the barriers he erected around himself, permitting the free exchange of love and desire between us. These emotions created a feedback loop as they flowed between us, strengthening and reinforcing our feelings for each other. It was an intoxicating experience, feeling just exactly how much he adored me in each instant.

Jasper's abilities had another use as well; with such insight into the exact feelings of the other, we were able to fine tune our every touch to get precisely the effect we wanted. There were none of the awkward, unsure fumblings that other couples experienced.

After that exquisite moment, Jasper began to move slowly, each thrust stoking the fire within me. I felt myself completely and utterly within the moment, my mind totally clear of visions, even as it was fogged by pleasure.

And suddenly, after our long abstinence, I needed him more than I could comprehend. I wanted to be consumed by him. I held him tight to me with all my strength, and he returned my passion with equal fervour, reading easily my craving. I felt his nails dig into my back, but I barely felt the pain of it, I just wanted it to get closer to him.

"I've missed you, Alice. You have no idea how I've missed you," he snarled under his breath, and I rocked my hips, urging him to take me harder, deeper. He acceded to my silent request and before long I was gasping desperately, overwhelmed both by the physical sensations, and by the love, lust, and sheer burning need I felt from him.

He pounded into me and I felt his desire to claim me, possess me, own me. And in that moment, I wanted him to, I wanted him to take me as mine. And I had a flash of inspiration, feeling the ridged cicatrice of his skin beneath my clenching fingers. I had been neglecting him, knowing he was mine; taking him for granted. It was easy for me, I had only to look at him; each scar bespoke our love.

I wanted him to be able to look at me and see the same. I wanted his mark on me. Whoever had made me had abandoned me, and meant nothing to me now. His mark was meaningless.

Jasper raised his head to look at me, feeling the subtle shift of my emotions, but I didn't return his gaze, or explain. Instead I wound my fingers into his velvet hair and directed his head to my neck, his teeth directly over the twin crescents which were the only scars on my body.

"Bite me," I purred, pouring sheer wanton lust, and every ounce of what submissive streak I had, into him. When I felt him hesitate I twisted my fingers into a tighter hold and pressed his mouth to my neck, willing him to do as I wished.

Still he hesitated. I released his hair and instead stroked my fingers sensually over one of his more livid scars, a wide gash across his jawline and down his throat.

"Every time I see this," I whispered, "I remember that night in the forest, and think of how much you love me. I want you to feel the same, when you see me. I want to be _yours."_

With that final word I felt a thick throb of possessiveness wash over him. It was irresistibly erotic, and I ground against him, encouragingly.

"Mine," he growled, the word guttural and strong. Then he opened his jaw and sank his teeth into my neck.

It was the most painful experience of my existence. My fractured memory began after my supposedly agonising change was complete, and since then I had never once been harmed.

In fact, I realised, this wasn't only the most pain I had ever been in, it was the only pain I had ever been in.

But somehow it didn't touch me. It was as if I had been swept up in a rising tide of pleasure, always just one step ahead of the agony I felt snapping at my heels. I gasped and whimpered uncontrollably, feeling the heat of Jasper's venom flooding into me.

After a moment, he began sucking at me hungrily, and I felt a ravenous growl building in his throat. Although a little part of me knew that he was trying to keep his venom from penetrating my flesh as much as possible, to minimise my pain, the larger part of me felt only his unquenchable appetite for me.

He was still thrusting into me, pounding me with relentless passion, as I lay helpless beneath the onslaught. When at last he was spent, and I was limp with exhaustion, he collapsed beside me, both of us gasping from our exertions. I don't know how long we lay there, entwined, but the lingering warmth from his venom was still tingling in my neck, sending lines of fire downwards to encircle my heart, and upwards to whisper silent words of love and possession in my ear.

After a time, we uncoiled, and he kissed my burning neck with a wondrous expression.

"I love you, Alice,"

"I know, love, I felt it. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced." I raised a trembling hand to my neck, touching the tender flesh, feeling my lover's mark like a brand of ownership.

"Want to experience it again?" I moaned my assent, and in a smooth movement, he was over me again.

When at last we were ready to rejoin the others, some hours later, I walked into the living room with my head held high, my gaze challenging anyone to comment on the livid purple scars on both sides of my neck.

Jasper, struck by sudden fear that his marking me would be seen as harm, not a symbol of our love, and also bothered by a sensation akin to embarrassment at the thought of sharing something so intimate with the world, had suggested that I wear a high collar to cover my neck, but I had deliberately chosen a scoop-necked top, and pinned back the foremost strands of my short hair, so that not one inch of my healing flesh would be obscured.

"I'm proud of this mark, Jasper. I'm not going to creep around and hide as if I were ashamed, because I'm not. I want every one to look at me and see that I'm yours."

That remark had slowed our return to our family; the utter pride and devotion in me had struck a chord in him, and he absolutely had to have me again. Not that I took much persuading; he desired me with a force that would have brought me to my knees, had he not already pushed me down onto them.

But despite Jasper's fears, our family were not shocked when we returned to them. I could see that each of them understood what we had done. As Emmett reached out with a wistful expression to touch the faint silver crescents he had left on Rosalie's collarbone during their first, overwhelming night of passion. Rosalie, similarly, caressed the scars on his neck, seemingly remembering the long, terrifying trek through the darkness with Emmett dying in her arms, and the joy of seeing him reborn at her behest.

Esme, too, fondly touched the evidence of her vampiric birth, and even Carlisle raised a hand to the single, delicate cicatrice high on his chest where Esme, insensible with the pain of her change, and whipped into a frenzy by the final aching beats of her heart, had lashed out and sunk teeth that were changed enough to pierce vampire flesh, coated with the first flood of her venom, into his skin. Later, when she tried to apologise, Carlisle had quieted her, saying that her bite was like the first cry of a babe, painful and yet wonderful, awe-inspiring and life affirming.

I realised then that of course my family would understand what we had done. Each of them possessed some mark, some scar, some reminder that there was someone who loved them enough to share this life with them. And now, so did I.

EPOV

I would never understand women. Or, perhaps it was just Bella I failed to comprehend. Almost a century of telepathy, decades' worth of direct insight into the female mind availed me not one bit when it came to understanding her, but then, there was no one quite like my Bella.

I wasn't so naïve as to think that what had passed between us had fixed all our problems, but I had hoped that it was a step in the right direction. Instead she had become progressively more withdrawn over the days we had spent here in the cabin. First she had pulled away from me, refusing to be touched, and now she wouldn't even speak to me. I had no clue what to do about it.

Knowing it was useless, I walked over to her again, kneeling beside her where she was sitting on the floor, huddled in a corner, but she simply turned her head to the wall at my approach. Not knowing what else to do, I pulled out my phone and called Alice.

"I have no more clue than you do, Edward," she said as soon as she picked up the phone, in her familiarly uncanny way. You'd think that the ability to see the future would make her less impatient, but if anything it did the opposite. She never wasted a moment.

Well, if Alice couldn't help me, and I wasn't doing any good here, then I'd simply have to take Bella back home. Perhaps Carlisle would know what to do.

"Don't, Edward, it won't help," Alice said then, obviously having seen the results of my decision. I cursed under my breath, frustrated beyond belief by my helplessness.

"Well what am I meant to do then Alice?

"Put me on speaker and then leave the phone here, I'll talk to Bella. Take her phone with you so I can get in touch, and then give us some privacy, ok?"

I felt ashamed that my first impulse was to tell her to go to hell. But I said nothing; Bella hadn't worked so hard to bring us back together, only for me to spend the rest of eternity suspicious of Alice any time she wanted to be alone with her. What had happened was water under the bridge, and I had to trust that my sister wouldn't try to come between us again.

"Fine," I snarled, taking my worry out on Alice but not really caring. I did as she asked, and strode off into the woods, pacing impatiently just out of earshot of the cabin. After an interminable length of time – really, it felt like centuries, but in reality, it must have only been a decade, or two at most – Bella's phone chirped in my hand. It was Alice.

"What took you so long?" I demanded crossly, and then forced myself to calm down, hoping that Carlisle wasn't close enough to Alice to hear what I had said, he wouldn't approve of my utter lack of manners.

"Edward, it's only been five minutes. Chill."

I checked my watch in disbelief, but she was right. In fact, she was being generous. It had been three and a half.

"What happened? What's wrong with her?"

Alice chuckled, and I found myself glad that she wasn't there with me. I could have quite cheerfully strangled her for seeing any mirth in this situation.

"Women's troubles," she giggled, and before I could reply, there was a click and the phone went dead.

I still hadn't written off the strangling-her option.

When I got back to the cabin, I saw that Alice had done her job, though not quite as I had hoped. Bella wasn't curled up in a corner anymore, and she certainly wasn't silent. In fact, she was pacing the length of the cabin much as I had been pacing outside. She turned to me with eyes flashing and fists clenched.

"I'm sick of this," she snarled. Whatever Alice had done had definitely snapped her out of it, though I wasn't sure exactly how preferable 'spitting with fury' would be. She was a glorious sight though, and the animation was welcome after days of silence.

"I am so bloody sick of all of it." she continued. I walked over to her slowly, cautiously, wondering if it was pushing my luck to try to take her in my arms, but unexpectedly she folded herself into my embrace with an alacrity which suggested that perhaps it wasn't only me who had been missing her touch, these last few days.

"When is it going to get better?" She asked, her voice cracking. The tension drained from her and she fell limp in my arms, looking up at me with a child's eyes. She sobbed in my arms, and not knowing what else to do, I carried her inside to the bed and held her.

After a heartbreaking interlude of tearless cries, she wriggled in my arms, turning away from me, then snuggling back towards me, her shoulderblades pressed into my chest.

"I'm sorry Edward," she sighed

"There's no-"

"There is," she cut me off, and suppressing my urge to comfort her, I decided to shut up and let her speak, it sounded like she needed to.

"I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore, Edward. I feel so lost. I was always the quiet one, the sensible one, the capable one. I was so predictable that one year both my parents and three of my friends bought me exactly the same christmas present, and so dull that the present was a new frying pan. Now not even I can predict what I'm going to do next, but the one thing I know for certain is that I'm never going to need those pans again.

"These mood swings are killing me. I can't control what I do, it's like I'm looking out through my eyes, trying to stop myself, but I'm helpless. I just get so angry, or scared, or... horny, and I can't do a thing about it. It's like having PMS all the time and I'm so tired of messing everything up."

Ah. Women's troubles. Very funny Alice.

"That's why I shut down on you, Edward. I'm sorry for that. I just thought that I could wait it out, until my newborn phase passed and that way I wouldn't be able to make any more mistakes.

"I don't think I'm cut out for a life of impossible things, and I'm certainly not cut out to be a newborn. Alice told me things will be better, in a while, that I'll feel more like myself, but what if I don't? Every day I do a thousand things I never would have even contemplated in my old life, so how can I still be me? And if I'm not, who am I, and where's the Bella whose life I've stolen?

"The thing is... I'm not sure she'd approve of what I'm doing. Bella, old Bella, human Bella, she lived to look after people. She would never have hurt Alice like I did, and she certainly never..."

She choked off a sob, and I held her tighter, pressing my lips to her hair in silent comfort.

"What I did to you Edward, that wasn't _right_. Bella would never have done that. I think about what we did, and I feel... dirty. You've offered me this pure love, and I've cheapened it. I shouldn't have got mad at you for protecting me, Edward. I need you to. But, I think it's me I need you to protect me from. I'm ruining everything for us."

She was crying again now, quietly, defeatedly, and I wracked my brains trying to think of what to say to help her.

"Do you think she's dead, Edward? Do you think Bella is dead?" Bella asked, in that lost-little-girl voice which broke my heart. Not least because if she was, I killed her. "Do you think she's in heaven now?"

A pause, no less achingly silent for the soft whimpers and sniffles which filled it.

"Where do you think I'll go, when I die?"

I growled almost silently, shocked by the stab of agony which struck me at the mere thought of Bella dying.

"You won't die, Bella. I won't let you leave me. You're immortal now, so death is the last thing you need to be worrying about." I felt slightly hypocritical for saying that, since I had been tortured by this exact dilemma for decades now, the pain of which had only been eased when Bella came into my life. Somehow, where Carlisle's reassurances that God would not reject those who tried as hard as we to live a good life had failed to touch me, the knowledge that I must have done something right, that I must _be_ something right to have earned Bella's love, had persuaded me that there was hope yet for our kind. I didn't care that she was a vampire; there was no way my Bella, my beautiful Bella, was a soulless monster.

"Everything dies," she sighed, "even the universe won't last forever. I want eternity with you Edward, but I'm not naïve enough to think I'll get it. Sooner or later, all this will end. Is it stupid that I'm more scared of death now I'm immortal, than I ever was as a human? At least before I had faith that there was something more out there for me. Now I'm not so sure."

"If I know one thing," I whispered fervently into her ear, "it's that there is no heaven without you, my love. And I promise you, we will get our eternity. Not even the Lord Himself can separate us."

At last, she turned around to look at me, and pulled me up so that I was sitting on the edge of the bed. She knelt in front of me, down on one knee.

"Forever it is then, Edward. Will you marry me now?"


	19. Preparation

Chapter 20

BPOV

It was odd, this settled feeling. Not joy, for I was still too weary for anything so exuberant. Contentment, I supposed. Peace. We decided to talk a little bit more before we went home. Truthfully, I think we just weren't ready to burst our bubble by including anyone else in it, no matter how overjoyed they would be for us. Or maybe that was why _I_ wanted to stay. Edward, it turned out, really did want to talk.

"So," he said, with such perfect nonchalance that I knew something was up, "you know I spoke to Eleazar?"

I raised a questioning eyebrow. Then spent a moment congratulating myself on the awesomeness of being able to do that. As a human, I'd never been able to move my eyebrows separately – yet another facet of the elegance and suaveness which had been so heartbreakingly unattainable to me. Now I had absolute muscle control. I could flex literally anything, with perfect precision. Hell, I could move muscles I couldn't even name. I could roll my tongue, touch my nose with it, even touch my elbow with it, which no human could do. Then Edward carried on talking, and I dragged my attention back to the topic at hand, and away from my distracting consideration of tongue gymnastics. _Newborn lust_, I told myself, promising that one day I would be able to spend five minutes in Edward's presence without thinking of sex... and then fervently hoping, deep down, that I wouldn't.

"I never could read your mind when you were human, you know." I nodded, wondering where he was going with this. I felt a faint satisfaction that his mentioning my former life, in unflinching past tense, seemed to discomfort neither of us. Progress.

"I was perceptive, as a human," he continued, "good at reading people, but in no way telepathic. My talent was magnified exponentially by my change, as was Jasper's. I found myself thinking how odd it was that your talent has remained exactly the same. Perhaps it was just that it had been so strong to start off with, I told myself, too strong to enhance. But I asked Eleazar, out of curiosity, and he suggested that perhaps your power had increased, but that the quantitative change had made no obvious qualitative difference; after all, I'd never been able to hear even a peep from you, so I would have no way of knowing if your shields had grown stronger."

I thought about that for a moment as he paused, but only with mild interest. As far as I could see, my power had only one use; keeping Edward out of my brain. it affected Jasper and Alice not a whit, since it protected only my mind, not my emotions, or my future. Of course, it protected me from Kate as well, but as I had explained out at great length, I didn't exactly need protecting from someone with no intention to harm me.

So. Either it shielded me, or it didn't; this was a binary sort of thing, all or nothing, on or off. The fact that I might be more powerful at shielding was a minor consideration, which, as Edward had pointed out, made no actual difference to me. Even with my defences at their human weakest, he had been incapable of bypassing them.

I made a vague _hmm_ sort of noise, more interested in the play of muscles across his chest than in what he had said. It was only when I followed the rippling down to his biceps, and eventually reached his strong, agile fingers, that I noticed he was wringing his hands in agitation. I looked up to his face, startled, and saw guilt.

"Edward?" I asked, and he bit his lip nervously. I made a mental note to be amused later that he had picked up this habit from me. Right now I was too busy being worried.

"I asked him something else too. And I know, I realise now that I asked for all the wrong reasons, and I can't even believe how stupid and arrogant it was that I was even thinking of asking you... but I know now, and I thought you might want to know, you know?"

He'd obviously been hanging out with twenty-first century teenagers far too much, and it was playing merry havoc with his syntax. I didn't like it; I much preferred the mellifluous cadences and archaic idioms which, if you knew to listen for them, clearly showed his age. I resolved to divorce him on the spot if he ever used the word 'whatever'. And then resolved to warn him, since I really didn't _want_ to divorce him.

"What might I want to know, Edward?" I asked as patiently as I could. I had realised over the past few days that it was time I put things into perspective. If I could forgive him for killing me, then all the rest shouldn't be such a big deal. Whatever this was, I was sure we could get past it.

"I asked him if you could learn to drop your shields, and let me in. He said he could probably teach you," he answered, shamefaced, "I know it was wrong. You deserve privacy, I had no right to even think of asking that of you."

Just days ago, this revelation would have driven me wild with fury, but I made myself focus on the important part. Not what he had almost done, but that he had thought better of it. He was obviously making a real effort to respect the privacy I asked for. I touched his arm, comfortingly.

"Thank you for telling me, Edward, and for thinking things through and respecting my wishes. It means a lot to me. I'm glad you told me, actually. I wouldn't want to do it all the time, but it would be a useful skill to have. There might come a time when I need to communicate with you silently." I smiled up at him, "or just when I want to. It's important to me to know that you respect my need for privacy, Edward, but that doesn't mean that sometimes I wouldn't like to let you in."

He looked stunned. Well, I suppose I had mentioned about a million times how glad I was that he couldn't hear my thoughts. But the idea of being able to do it by choice appealed. I could see how that could be very romantic... or sexy.

And just then, another idea struck me, and I was oh so very glad that Edward couldn't hear me right at that moment, because I had just thought of the most perfect wedding gift, and it absolutely had to be a surprise. Now to set it up.

"I think I'd like Eleazar to teach me how to do that. Um, I know the separation would be difficult, but would you mind if I just went with Alice and Jasper, and stayed there until the wedding? I'd love to be able to do this for you, as a wedding gift, and it wouldn't be the same if you were there when I practiced. Besides, that way, we can plan the dress and everything, and it will all be a surprise for you, the way it should be."

I could see it was a wrench to him, imagining the separation, but as I had hoped, invoking the promise of matrimony – which was new enough that he seemed to glow at the very thought – worked, and he agreed. Now I just had to hope Alice could block her thoughts until we left for Denali.

Carlisle POV

The couple that returned were quieter, sadder, smaller than they had been before they left. Diminished somehow. Yet for all of that they seemed stronger too, solid and unshakeable. They held hands as though that contact, that grip, was all that kept them from drowning. And, in their clasped hands I saw the unmistakeable glint of diamond.

So, Edward's next words didn't surprise me in the slightest.

"Father, we have come to ask for your blessing. Bella has accepted me, and we are engaged to be married."

They looked up at me with such trust and certainty, that I could hardly refuse them that. Only days ago, I may have hesitated, have cautioned them to wait. Though I had never had any doubt that Edward and Bella were soulmates, they had been through so much together, and marriage was not a thing to rush. However, seeing the new maturity, not only in Edward's eyes, but in Bella's, I saw that they were ready. Edward, my oldest child, and Bella my youngest, were both finally adults.

I felt a pang of grief at the passing of their childhoods, at the loss of their innocence. Unbidden, a quote I had heard many years ago came to my mind _"Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies." _As surely as Adam and Eve, Edward and Bella had lost that kingdom forever, and though I knew their lives would be the richer for having finally embraced their life together, I found myself regretting whatever great sorrow it was that had birthed them so suddenly into maturity.

Edward met my eyes, "the child is grown, and puts away childish things," he whispered quietly, echoing my thoughts. "We are ready, father."

I took each of their free hands, and we stood for a moment in solemn silence, each considering the long sad road which had led us to this joyous place, and then I smiled.

"Of course you are, and I couldn't be happier for you. Of course you have my blessing." And just like that the sadness was gone. For if the first thing a boy learns when he becomes a man is that death is inevitable, the next is that so is life. Turning our backs firmly on the past, we went to gather the others and share the news.

BPOV

With Alice's help we set a date just under three months from now, the anniversary of my change. (To be precise, it was the anniversary of the day I had woken up; more symbolically appropriate to the occasion than the date of my murder. It also gave me three extra days to get ready.) She assured me that Edward's present would be ready in time.

After a riotous celebration which lasted well into the early hours, Alice, Jasper and I took our leave. Esme and Rosalie weren't happy about staying behind, wanting to help plan the wedding, but they didn't want to be separated from Carlisle and Emmett, and I had asked that no one involved in the planning came close enough to Edward that he could see any details in their minds. They were to follow a week beforehand to help with the final touches, and we would keep in touch by phone until then. It wouldn't have been fair to deprive Edward of the whole family for three months.

The first day at Denali was an utter disaster By the end of it I was seriously considering phoning Edward to postpone the wedding; there was no way I could get the hang of this in such a short time, but Alice promised me that I would, so I decided to trust her. Eleazar and Kate had been trying to teach me to feel the boundaries of my shield – the first step in learning how to lower them – and could I find them? Not a bit.

I felt like an idiot, sitting there, trying to mentally poke around in my head, no clue what I was looking for. After about half an hour I gave up entirely, and settled down to worry instead.

Eleazar noticed my lapse in concentration, and suggested an alternative technique; visualising my shields as a bubble around me, and hoping that they would respond to the images I projected. This was all very nice, but I could picture bubbles all day, and it wouldn't necessarily get me anywhere. It just seemed a bit like new-age psychobabble to me, calling to mind slick motivational speakers with unnaturally white teeth exhorting the ignorant masses to visualise themselves slim, healthy and rich. How could I know whether this image in my mind was anything more than just that, an image?

Jasper could sense when my doubts became too much, and suggested that I take a break, which was all the encouragement Alice needed to drag me off to start the wedding planning. I really wasn't that fussed about the details of the day; it was the commitment that mattered to me. I had said that I didn't want anyone involved in wedding planning to be around Edward more so that my gifts stayed secret, than so that the minor details of the day would be kept from him. But when Alice sat me down, fingers flying over a laptop which I suspected sooner or later would crumble under her enthusiasm, and showed me her ideas, I was entranced in spite of myself. She had eschewed modern design entirely, seeking ways to reproduce exactly the perfect 1920s wedding, and suddenly I wanted it as much as she did. This was the wedding Edward would have had, if he had lived the normal, human life he longed for, so this is what I would give him.

First, we searched for the right location. I wanted a pastoral, country church, quaintly surrounded by rolling green hills. Alice informed me that I had clearly spent far too much time watching Jane Austen adaptations, but dutifully set about finding what I wanted, and before too long had discovered the perfect setting; an exact replica of an English countryside chapel, built by early settlers desperately missing the temperate island they had left behind. Even better, Alice assured me that as long as we made it an afternoon wedding, we were guaranteed an overcast, but dry day, so there was no need to worry about stray sparkles betraying us to the locals.

Next Alice started on the flowers and invitations. No power on this earth could give me even the slightest interest in either of those things, so, bolstered by my fresh flush of enthusiasm, I returned to Eleazar and Kate.

To my surprise, I found them together, Kate shocking Eleazar over and over, an apologetic look on her face as he doggedly tried not to flinch away from her touch. I hesitated in the doorway, not sure whether I wanted to intrude, but he waved me over with a sigh of relief, and Kate looked equally relieved as he stepped away from her. I looked from one to the other, questioningly.

"It occurred to us," Eleazar began, "that having only Kate's power as a test of your shields may pose a problem."

I took an angry breath, ready to remind them that they had both agreed to help me do this without involving Edward, but Eleazar held up placating hands.

"Don't worry Bella, we will stick to our promise, we've just been discussing ways to make it easier on you. The vampire instinct for self-preservation is exceptionally strong; your shields will resist your attempts to lower them, thus making yourself vulnerable to attack. They will especially resist in light of your knowledge that what you are trying to do – allow Kate to shock you – will hurt. Kate found it relatively easy to expand her defenses, allowing her to move her power through all of her skin, not just her fingertips, but it took far more discipline to force her power to withdraw, leaving her defenceless."

Knowing how I instinctively shrank away from the thought of letting Kate hurt me, even though I knew it would do me no harm, and even though I wanted badly to learn how to, I could see the logic of what he was saying, and my heart sank.

"So we decided to try to alter our test conditions. Kate is working on fine tuning her power, to find a comfortable medium between nothing and pain."

Kate grinned at my confusion. "I'm going for something along the lines of pleasant tingle. I'm amazed I never thought of it before. The possibilities are most intriguing." She drifted off into an obviously sexual reverie until Eleazar coughed pointedly.

Once he had her attention, he continued. "I propose a sort of dual tutorial. Kate will continue shocking me, trying to control the intensity until she can exert her power without causing discomfort, while simultaneously, Bella will try to extend her shields to protect me. It's a race girls, let's see who can get there first!

Kate POV

I was glad to be helping Bella. This was only the second time I'd met her, but I knew we were going to be friends. She had spirit, I'd give her that much, and I was so glad she'd worked things out with Edward. She had been quite worried, coming here, after his treatment of me, but you couldn't live as long as I had without learning to let things go. We'd all known that he was rather prone to going over the top in the chivalry department, and once the initial shock had subsided, I'd been more worried that he'd upset Bella than anything else.

As I've said, I was glad to be helping Bella, but when Eleazar turned this into a competition, all bets were off. It was ridiculous pitting me, with my centuries of experience and control, against a fledgling newborn, and I'd been cocky, until Bella met my eyes with a challenging grin and it occurred to me that I couldn't let her beat me; my family would never let me hear the last of being trounced by a newborn, so no matter how slight the chances of her succeeding, I had to crush them. Then the game was on in ernest, and we quickly attracted an audience; though no one seemed sure who to cheer on.

I held one of Eleazar's hands, and Bella held the other, hoping that contact would help her to refine her gift. Carmen stood behind him, massaging the tension from his shoulders, sympathetically. After about three hours there was no progress on either side, and Eleazar was beginning to look decidedly haggard as he twitched and flinched under my touch. I was trying vainly to suppress the guilt and doubt I felt; he was suffering because of me, and it didn't matter whether he had consented or not. If I could just learn to tame this unruly power of mine, he wouldn't be hurting.

Eventually Jasper, looking just as harried as Eleazar under the tension in the room, offered to take his place. Immediately I felt better; I had only to look at the thousands of battle scars criss-crossing his body to know that he could take care of himself. I might feel guilt for hurting Eleazar, who looked like nothing more than an absent-minded college professor, but Jasper was every inch the hardened warrior. Not only that, but his involvement gave me a psychological edge; I may not worry about hurting him, but Bella was far closer to him than I was, and I could see in her face that she did worry.

He took my hand and I felt immediate waves of encouragement. I knew he would be doing the same for Bella, but it didn't matter, I would win this.

Eventually even Jasper began to weaken under my onslaught, and I felt occasional stabs of fury leech into the positive feelings he was trying to project. Suddenly he whipped around to face me with a snarl, and I cringed back – no matter what power I had been blessed with I was not, instinctively, a fighter – until Alice sprang forward, taking his face into her hands and forcing him to look at her. Gradually he calmed himself, and we continued.

The hours stretched by. I had closed my eyes, focusing utterly, and my world narrowed to the feel of the hand in mine, jerking uncontrollably whenever I exerted my power, despite my efforts to temper it. Then, when I was so lost in the task that I barely noticed, I shocked Jasper, and his hand remained oblivious, utterly still in mine. I opened my eyes triumphantly, only to see everyone crowding around Bella, congratulating her. She had won after all.

"Sorry darlin'," Jasper drawled when he felt my disappointment. "I didn't feel a thing that time, the point goes to Bella." He smiled at me comfortingly, "it was getting easier to take though, you definitely made progress."

I don't know if Jasper helped me, but I managed to forgive Bella for beating me. I reminded myself that I wanted to help her, that her task had a time limit, whereas mine didn't, and finally I summoned up a smile and went over to her, hand outstretched.

"Congratulations, little cousin," we had all taken to calling her that, considering ourselves extended family to the Cullens, "but don't get too comfy. As soon as our men are recovered, I want a rematch," she took my hand and squeezed it in thanks.

"Anytime," she replied.

APOV

I was delighted, certain that I had been right to suggest that Jasper take Eleazar's place. Eleazar's speech about self-preservation, which I had most definitely _not_ been eavesdropping on, honestly, had given me the idea that the more Bella wanted to protect her test subject, the easier it would be to do so.

Actually, I had told Jasper that I was going to volunteer, but he had squashed that plan with a possessive growl, and I hadn't been that disappointed when he insisted on taking my place. I knew Bella loved him enough to make my plan work, and I was touched that he would rather take the pain, than allow me to. I agreed with Bella that _over-_protectiveness was not attractive in a mate, but Jasper's old fashioned gentlemanly ways were just protective enough for my tastes.

But it was oh so difficult to watch Kate hurting him, and I even felt the odd twinge of anger at Bella for failing to stop her. After half an hour, he refused to meet my eyes, and I knew it was because he didn't want me to see how hard this was for him. It was probably for the best, I'm not sure I could have seen the pain in his eyes and not intervened.

I watched his growing tension with unease. Jasper had the most gentle soul of anyone I had ever met, but with his military upbringing, both vampire and human, he was capable of great violence. When I heard him snarl, and saw Kate leap away in terror I ran to him, forcing him to look in my eyes, feel my love for him. He hated the violence in himself, and I knew that if he hurt Kate, he would suffer for it later.

I felt the tension drain from him, felt his higher mind reassert itself, banishing his animal instincts. I saw him come back to me. He nodded to Kate without breaking eye contact, and I felt him twitch as she resumed her assault, but I just concentrated on loving him, on holding his gaze to mine and forcing him to feel what I felt for him. Kate's attacks fell into a rhythm, almost like a heartbeat, and I could imagine it was his pulse I was feeling under my hands, and so we were both instantly aware when the beat stopped.

I looked at Bella, breaking eye contact with Jasper for the first time in hours, "you did it!" I gasped. And then I was oblivious to the celebrations and congratulations, burying my head in Jasper's chest and feeling the relief coursing through both of us. It was over.


	20. Countdown

_Three months to go..._

EPOV

"... and it's just so beautiful Edward, Alice showed me pictures, and we're going to visit this week, at night of course, when there's no humans around. It's perfect, just how I always pictured the church where Elizabeth and Mr Darcy get married. I just know you're going to love it."

As if there could be any doubt when she spoke about it with such excitement. Anything she loved so much, I would love too. I was amazed that she was throwing herself with such fervour into wedding planning; I had, in fact, anticipated trouble on this front, as Alice liked nothing more than making a fuss, and Bella hated nothing more than being the center of attention, but instead she spoke with childlike enthusiasm about everything.

She had been gone for three days – six phone calls, as I was beginning to mark time – and although not a second went by when I did not wish she was with me, I couldn't begrudge her the chance for her perfect wedding, even if that meant that I had to be away from her. And she was right, I would enjoy the surprise, as I missed out on that front almost as much as Alice did.

"I know I will too, my love. I'm enjoying just hearing about it. You're having a good time up there then?"

"As good as it can be without you," she sounded wistful, "but I know you're going to make up for it on our honeymoon." I could hear her grinning lasciviously.

That had been the deal. I knew I would go crazy sitting around for three months with nothing to do except attend the regular tuxedo fittings Alice was arranging for me. So we had made a deal; Bella could plan the wedding, and I would plan the honeymoon.

Of course, it wasn't just me, not by a long shot. Although Rosalie and Esme understood Bella's reasons for asking them to stay here, they didn't like being excluded from her plans, so they were helping me with mine. It had been difficult working out what to do; Bella still wasn't safe around humans, which ruled out a lot of options.

When Esme had first mentioned the island which Carlisle had gifted her with, we had rejected it out of hand because of the distance. Asking Bella to sit on a plane full of humans for the eight hour journey would have been unfair, and dangerous, and even with a private jet, we would have to take off and land from manned airports.

But Emmett came to the rescue, by offering the yacht he and Rosalie owned. It was amply equipped for long journeys; something they had tested many times. So now Carlisle, Emmett and I spent days pouring over maps of the ocean, planning our route to Isle Esme, via a number of islands where we could stop to feed, while Esme and Rosalie bought clothes for Bella, and altered the cabin of the ship to make it into a suitably romantic honeymoon suite.

"Damnit Alice," Bella cursed and I gathered that Alice had come to summon her, and end our conversation. I could have sworn I heard impatient foot-tapping on the other end of the line, then some mumbling I couldn't make out.

"Oh," Bella said, sounding disgruntled, "Alice wants a word, and apparently she doesn't want me overhearing." She sighed, "bye, love. Miss you."

I barely had time to respond before Alice snatched the phone.

"Wait..." she said imperiously, and I rolled my eyes. "There, she can't hear us. Now, the honeymoon plans are looking good, but there's just one little thing..."

I was listening more attentively now; the only thing which eased the pain of Bella's absence was planning our honeymoon, but with three days down and still nearly months to go, the planning was almost finished. I hoped Alice would have some input that would help me drag it out a bit.

"Put another island in between six and seven," she said, clearly referring to the numbers we had given the islands we planned to stop at on the way; many of them were quite minor and as yet unnamed. "a minor storm is going to whip up, and it won't cause the boat any problems but... hmm, how to put this delicately, it may distract you for a while. You won't make good time between those islands, so you'll need to stop to hunt in between."

"I'll bear that in mind," I replied, already mentally reviewing what I remembered of our maps.

"Oh, one more thing," she said with a chuckle, "she doesn't know it yet, but Bella is going to really enjoy certain activities out in the open air, so you might want to ask Rosalie and Esme to put some pillows and things out on the deck." And with a click, the line went dead, and I was lost to my imagination.

_Two months to go..._

BPOV

I was definitely getting there. I had reached the point where I could comfortably control my shields as long as I was concentrating, which meant we were playing a new game, trying to improve my control when distracted. We no longer had set training sessions; instead, whatever we were doing, day or night, I would be holding hands with Kate, working to keep my shields down so that I could feel the warming trickle of energy she pulsed into me. She'd managed the trick of tuning her power to a comfortable level, and I was growing to like the tingling in my fingers.

I could just about manage it during the more boring parts of wedding planning, though the first time I had seen my reflection in the mirror, wearing my wedding dress – seeing it on the hanger just hadn't done it justice – my shields had snapped back into place with such force that Kate joked I'd given her whiplash.

I was also totally incapable of exerting any sort of control when I was on the phone to Edward during our twice daily conversations. This worried me, since it was Edward I was doing this for, but Alice assured me that I'd learn in time. In the meantime I was just about getting to the point where I didn't snarl every time someone leaped out from behind a corner, or crept up behind me to say 'boo', testing my control. I wasn't getting any better at keeping my shields down when startled, but at least I was managing to restrain my newborn urge to violence.

I was listening to music samples with Alice, trying to decide what tracks I wanted for various significant moments, when Tanya came to fetch me for my next lesson.

Tanya's 'lessons' were a wedding gift, for Edward as well as me, she said. We had been chatting one evening, and I had made the mistake of mentioning my worries that I was not more sexually experienced. Since then Tanya had been schooling me in the art of love, and for an hour a day I banned everyone else from the house, even Alice and Jasper, mortified enough by discussing my future sex life with Tanya, let alone having everyone eavesdropping. Still, under Tanya's tutelage I began to worry less about my wedding night, and despite my fears, she never once asked me to do anything with a cucumber. Her lessons were more about confidence and attitude, about learning what I liked, and knowing how to ask for it. She taught me how to read body language, how to notice if Edward was enjoying something particularly, since I had serious doubts he would loosen up enough to share any of his fantasies for a long time.

Remembering the night Edward had given me a massage, the first true night of our relationship, and how good it had made me feel, I had shyly asked Tanya if she could teach me about massage. She did, and far more comprehensively than I could ever have imagined. She brought me anatomy textbooks and reflexology diagrams, until I knew everything there was to know about whole body massage.

Today, Tanya was covering eye contact; when to look away shyly, when to gaze lovingly, when to flutter your eyelashes, and when to look up at him through them. From her minute attention to detail it was clear that she had been passionate about the act of love for centuries. She put more thought than I could have believed possible into it, and every so often I found myself idly regretting that I was wholly heterosexual, and devoted to Edward. I shyly confessed this, not sure why, but Tanya made me feel so comfortable that I managed to talk about even the most embarrassing topics with her.

"Ah, honey," she chuckled, her warm lusty chuckle, "I'm a dedicated man-lover too, I'm afraid. But if anyone could persuade me to make an exception, it might just have been you. Such an _apt_ pupil!"

Any more time with Tanya and I was certain I would break the laws of vampire biology and produce a blush, and just in time to save me from further embarrassment, Alice knocked on the door to summon me to my next dress fitting.

_One month to go..._

EPOV

"Later, Emmett."

"No, Edward, now. Have you seen yourself? Your eyes are like pitch. Chill, dude, Bella isn't due to call for another eight hours, and if you stare any harder at that phone, you'll break it. Come hunting with me."

I sighed. As I had feared, honeymoon planning had not taken long enough to fill the gulf of time without Bella. For the past few days, since we had put the finishing touches on the itinerary, I had been growing more and more frustrated.

Rosalie walked to the door and opened it pointedly. "Out!" she ordered, "your brooding is giving me a migraine!"

"Vampires don't get headaches," I grouched, but I was getting to my feet. Maybe hunting would make me feel better. At the very least it would kill some time.

"Anyone would get a headache living with you," Rosalie muttered as I walked past her into the fresh air, not quite quietly enough for me not to hear. As if I needed to; her thoughts were screaming her irritation.

Maybe vampires could get headaches.

An hour and two mountain lions later I was feeling slightly better, though I was getting tired of resisting Emmett's none-too-subtle efforts to draw me into a conversation about my impending wedding night.

"Dude, you need some tips. Bella's a classy girl, you want to impress her."

I paused for a moment, lost in my memories of being with her, remembering the way her eyes glazed with pleasure, the way her body shook under my touch...

I tossed my head in frustration, bringing myself back to the moment. Thinking about Bella, that way, would only make me miss her more.

"I think I can manage, Emmett." I said, as sternly as I could.

At that moment, the phone in my pocket rang. _Saved by the bell, _I thought.

I looked at the caller I.D. _Make that saved by the Bella. _Smiling involuntarily I snapped the phone open and brought it to my ear.

"You're early," I said, "not that I'm complaining." I shooed Emmett away with a gesture, running deeper into the woods for privacy.

"I wanted to ask you a favour," she said shyly.

"Anything for you, my love."

Too late I realised my error.

"Anything?" She chuckled, "then tell me where we're going for our honeymoon."

"Anything except that," I clarified, "and you knew that, so what do you really want?"

"Could you put me on speaker, and keep the phone in your pocket? You don't have to talk to me," as if that would be any sort of trial, "I just want to be with you, however I can be."

"Are you ok, Bella?" She didn't sound upset, but I had to check.

"I'm fine, just having some problems with your, um, present. I've got it figured out and working perfectly, until you ring me, and then it all goes out of the window. You distract me too much. I thought this might help. Like I said, you don't have to talk, just hearing you breathe is enough for me."

"As if I'd pass up any opportunity to talk to you, dearling. Besides, I'm all on my lonesome here. I told Emmett to get lost as soon as you called, so I'd have you all to myself. So, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well," she giggled endearingly, "what are you wearing right now?"

_Three weeks to go..._

BPOV

Sighing contentedly I closed the phone and snuggled down further under the covers. Tanya's suggestion I use Edward's phone calls to do a little homework for her, as well as to work on my shields, had definitely been one of her better ideas. Thankfully I could feel my shields well enough now that I no longer needed Kate's help with my practice, or combining the two could have been impractical.

She had been trying to persuade me to pleasure myself; learn my own preferences so that I could teach Edward. I'd told her that he did just fine, thank you very much, but she only smiled that irritating, patronising smile which seemed to say 'when you grow up, you'll understand'. So, against my better judgement, I'd tried, and it had been entirely unsatisfactory. Not that I _couldn't, _but just that it had been better with Edward. So much for me teaching him, it looked like I needed him to show me a thing or two.

So this was her alternative, to see if Edward's presence, even just on the phone, would help. It did, it _really_ did. Just the sound of his voice did things to me that I struggled to relate even to the worldly Tanya. I kept my phone on me all the time now, connected to his except for the few hours a day put aside for wedding planning, which of course he couldn't eavesdrop on, and the practice was helping me keep my shields controlled, even in Edward's distracting presence, and now, even sometimes during our more distracting, private conversations.

Actually, one of the things which had helped most with that had been Tanya's surprise when I'd told her that I struggled around Edward.

"But _mon chere," _she replied in the affected french accent she often used for our lessons. Clearly it was meant to be sexy, but it often made me giggle. You would have thought that someone who had lived in France for several centuries would have a more authentic accent. "You feel safe around Edward, do you not? He is your mate, your protector. I would have thought it would be easier to allow yourself to be vulnerable in his presence."

And as if her words had been a magic spell, it _was_ easier.

This last conversation had marked significant progress for me; I had kept my shields down for the whole conversation, even its climactic ending, which I had never managed before. I knew now that I had achieved my goal, I was capable of complete mental intimacy, at the moment of complete physical intimacy, and that was a permutation of my gift to him which I had been particularly excited about.

Typically, however, my cosy self-congratulation didn't last long, as Alice knocked impatiently on my door to summon me to yet more wedding planning.

_Two weeks to go..._

Charlie POV

The first thing I saw as I opened the door was yet another notice about a missed parcel. The third this week. I added it to the growing pile with little interest, and hung up my gun. I walked halfway to the kitchen before thinking better of it, and heading straight to bed; I was due at work again in six hours.

I had been working a lot recently. Actually, that was an understatement. I had worked all the hours I was legally permitted to, and put in countless more of unpaid overtime. At first I had devoted my days to finding my girl, but with no sign of a struggle, no ransom note, gradually even the staunchest of my supporters at the station gave up the search, and not even my status as chief of police was sufficient to keep the case open.

Since then I had simply worked to fill the endless empty hours, to avoid going home to my empty house, her empty room. The sight of her still unpacked bags tortured me, and I had shut the door on her room, but it was otherwise untouched. I couldn't shake the belief that she would come home someday, and I wanted to be ready. Every penny of extra money I earned from working myself to exhaustion I put into a college fund for her, and I kept the fridge stocked with her favourites, though I rarely ate at home anymore.

I knew the limbo I lived in was unhealthy, but I couldn't raise the energy to care. After Renee, I hadn't believed any rejection could have the power to hurt me, but this struck me more deeply that I could fully comprehend. Perhaps I hadn't been the best father, certainly we hadn't had one of those touchy-feely father-daughter relationships, but I was not by nature a demonstrative man and she took after me in that respect. I thought she knew that I loved her. Sure, she had put an end to her holidays in Forks as soon as she was old enough, but I thought that had more to do with the landscape than my company. Certainly she raised no objections when I started holidaying with her instead, and it had been her idea to move here for her final school years.

When I thought of my joy, my excitement at having her come to live with me, how I had looked forward so much to her bright presence filling the house, how I had told anyone who would stop long enough to listen all about her, I felt chagrined to the point of nausea. Had I truly been so awful a father that after only a day she had felt compelled to leave?

Knocking back the sleeping pills I had badgered the doctor into prescribing, though he had wanted to send me to a counsellor, I lay fully dressed on my bed and waited for sleep to claim me.

The next day I thrust the ever-growing pile of parcel reminders into my pocket absently – not sure whether I intended to fetch them, or bin the lot – and headed for the station, driving carefully in the pre-dawn gloom. When I arrived, however, it seemed that the whole staff of the station, not to mention Billy Black and Harry Clearwater, whom I hadn't seen in months, had other ideas. They barred the doors, refusing me entrance to my own station. Though I protested bitterly, hurling grave threats, I was eventually defeated, and as I turned to get back in my cruiser I stepped carefully, knees feeling weak at the thought of the empty hours facing me.

I went to collect the parcels for want of anything better to do. There were even more than I had thought, and after several heavily laden trips to the car, I made my way home, curious in spite of myself.

Several hours later I had a fully functioning, top of the range computer, complete with webcam and internet connection. I barely even recognised some of the items I had been sent, but helpfully compiled hand-written instructions had guided my way.

The last parcel – I knew it was the last because it was helpfully labelled thus – was a small envelope. Once I had switched on the machine and checked my connection, I opened it, grudgingly, not ready for this curious enterprise to be over, entirely unwilling to be catapulted back into my empty life. Inside was a small, gold-embossed card which read:

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of Isabella Marie Swan _

_On Thursday 22nd March at 15.00_

_To be held at _

_.com_

When I typed the address into my browser, it brought up a placeholder, with the indication that on the given day, there would be a live video transmission of the happy event. Through my shock, I did not fail to notice the name missing from that card. I supposed that whatever reason Bella had for keeping her distance, was also the reason for the anonymity of her betrothed. On the back was a note, elegantly hand written in script too fine to be Bella's '_I know you cannot understand, but please trust that this is the closest we can safely come to meeting. You have my solemn vow that Bella has chosen this, and I will do everything in my power to give her happiness._

_I wish from the bottom of my heart that I had been able to ask you for her hand, but as that is impossible, I ask for your blessing. For Bella's sake, if not for mine._

_-E-_

I severely doubted the mysterious 'E's' assurance that Bella had chosen this life; I couldn't think of anything she was less likely to do than marry young, after the disaster Renee and I had made of our marriage. And yet, I was unutterably happy – I had my first lead, my first hope in months – and whilst I knew better than to hope that an investigation of the website address would lead to anything traceable, I knew at least that, on the twenty-second of March, at 3pm, I would know once and for all if Bella was ok. If I couldn't have her home, then I would most joyfully settle for knowing that she was safe, and happy.

And if I switched on my new computer on that day, and saw even the faintest evidence that my Bella was anything but blissfully happy and in love, then there would be no power on earth that would stop me finding her now.

_One week to go..._

EPOV

Esme and Rosalie had departed the night before, and I felt a certain smugness at seeing in Carlisle and Emmett now the same agonies of separation I had been suffering through for almost three months now.

Our preparations were complete, tuxes fitted, cars bought – I had known without her having to tell me that Bella had protested strenuously our purchase of several white limousines, arguing that if they were absolutely necessary, we could at the very least have settled for hiring – but just because vampire memories were perfect, didn't mean we felt no need for tokens, and I wanted to be able to look at our wedding vehicle every day for eternity. The yacht was abundantly stocked and decorated, moored in a harbour near the church. Now all we had to do was wait, and after three months, waiting was something I was growing good at.

That was, until Carlisle, in a few deceptively simple words, shattered my calm entirely.

"So tell us then, what are you getting Bella for her wedding present?"

Wedding present? I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of this. Excuses bubbled to the surface of my mind; Bella didn't like presents, she'd resent me spending money on her, she'd told me time and again that the only present she wanted was me. Pathetic. I _had_ to get her something, and it had to be the most beautiful, the most thoughtful and perfect of gifts. Why hadn't I realised this earlier? The thought of the gift she was going to give me, had worked so hard to be able to give me, still made my heart overflow with undeserved bliss; how could I be so ungrateful as to not find something equally exquisite to gift her with?

I thought for hours, considering the most flawless of jewels, the most priceless of paintings, but knowing instinctively that even the Mona Lisa could not do my love justice, and besides, what need had we for the Lisa's beauty, when she could not begin to compare to the perfection of my Bella?

No, money could not buy anything worthy of my love. Just as Bella's gift to me would come from within, so must mine. Without further thought, I stood up and walked over to the piano, ears ringing with the first strains of the melody I could almost make out, begging to be written for my Bella.


	21. Coupling

_Twelve hours to go..._

EPOV

At last it was time to escape these smotheringly monotonous four walls and set off. Alice, with her dramatic bent, had refused to tell us where we were going in advance, instead she'd posted us a sat-nav with directions programmed in, and a departure time written on the box. Of course, that meant that I would have no time in the church to set up the webcams I intended to use to transmit video – blurred enough that whilst Bella would be recognisable, the changes to her would not be, and sent via a freelance video editor who would blur out the images of the rest of us on the fly, so that Charlie wouldn't know who was with her – back to Forks, but Alice had, of course, seen my intentions, and had taken care of them for me, along with the other minor alteration to her plans which constituted my gift to Bella.

Carlisle drove, having deemed me too restless to trust behind the wheel, and I watched the miles tick by impatiently, as every inch of ground we covered brought me closer to my love. When the sun came up we were still driving and not a word had been said; Carlisle was pretending to concentrate on the road to save me the burden of conversation, Jasper was silenced by the atmosphere of tension in the car, and Emmett was reading and re-reading his lines, evidently nervous, because with his photographic memory he shouldn't need to do so.

By a roundabout equation, Emmett had been chosen to officiate the ceremony. A human vicar would constitute too much temptation to Bella, and was therefore out of the question, Esme, Rosalie and Alice were all to be bridesmaids, and Carlisle was giving Bella away. Which left Jasper and Emmett, one to be my best man, and the other to lead the ceremony.

As soon as I had worked that out, I was horribly envious of brides everywhere who were able to choose multiple bridesmaids, where grooms were able to appoint only a single best man. How could I choose between my brothers?

In the end, I had jumped at Jasper's suggestion that we save me the decision, by flipping a coin. Of course Jasper won, and Emmett was briefly cross that he hadn't realised that the whole thing was a fix; as if Alice would let Jasper lose. But by then he had got excited enough about his own role that he didn't really protest.

It wasn't until now, seeing him pouring over his notes, that I realised how seriously he was taking this, and I was touched. He could so easily have trivialised it; the wedding was non-denominational, avoiding the religious minefield our circumstances presented, so all he had needed to do was buy a permit from the state official, hear our vows, and watch us sign the register. No one would have minded if he had done just that – well, maybe except for Alice, who was a sucker for rituals and formalities – but instead, I realised, looking at his hastily scrawled notes, he had done nothing of the sort. He had taken a word here, a phrase there, from what looked like as many different marriage ceremonies as he could find, hand-picking only the best bits for us. I could hear his thoughts as he painstakingly considered final alterations to his script, and had to hide a chuckle as he considered Bella's probable response to the phrase 'love, honour and obey,' and hastily discarded the notion.

In this, as in so many other little gestures over the past three months, I saw the depth of love my family felt for me, and shuddered away from the thought that I had once considered leaving them. Indeed, that I had once even left. Home was not a place, home was these people and their love.

_Eight hours to go..._

BPOV

"No Alice."

"Yes Bella!"

"No! I absolutely refuse to believe it is going to take eight hours to put some curlers in my hair. Leave me alone!"

I was busy practising. Now that the day was upon me, my stage fright was almost crippling, and my control was slipping through my fingers like water. The last thing I needed now was Alice fussing around me, distracting me even more.

"It isn't just putting curlers in your hair, Bella, this is a work of architecture! I've been planning it for weeks."

"Then you need to get a life, Alice. It's just hair, for goodness' sake!" I wasn't really being fair. Yesterday I had been just as excited about this as she had been, even more so, but ever since the clock had ticked past midnight, and it was, at last, The Day, I'd been horribly nervous. My discovery that my nerves were shredding my control hadn't helped, and my patience was now practically non-existent. I had more important things to worry about than hair. What if, after the months of separation, all the build-up, what if I couldn't do it?

Oh, I knew Edward wouldn't complain, he'd do whatever was necessary to show me that as long as he had me, he was happy enough. But he'd be disappointed, and today was supposed to be a day without disappointment. I'd had such plans...

Then Tanya stormed in to my rescue.

"_Bellochka_! _Milenky, golubchick, s__olnyshko_!" I had teased Tanya too much for her French, so she had recently begun resorting to Russian. It had the desired effect; I had never heard enough Russian to know whether or not her accent was the slightest bit believable. Besides which, Russian seemed to lend itself to the hordes of diminutives and endearments she deemed it necessary to shower me with.

"Why is it you fret, my Bella? And on this, the happiest of days!" She gathered me tenderly into her arms, brushing aside Alice who was still trying to work with my hair. Under the guise of a comforting hug, she whispered into my ear.

"Worry not about your hair, _dorogoi_, I have seen your dress, and you may trust me when I say he will not see a thing above your neck!" She pulled back to grin wickedly at me, wiggling her eyebrows in so comic a way I had no choice but to laugh. With that, Esme, Rosalie, Irina and Kate swept in and Alice's preparations continued unhindered and with a distinct party atmosphere in the air, and I allowed myself to be soothed. For now.

_Six hours to go..._

EPOV

"Edward, she's right next door. You can't phone somebody who is right next door," Jasper said, in his most infuriatingly reasonable tone.

"You're right, that is utterly ridiculous." I headed for the door which separated us, only to find Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle all suddenly blocking my way.

"You know that isn't what Jasper meant," Carlisle said in a tone even more reasonable, and thus more irritating, than Jasper's.

"It's been three months, Carlisle, and she's finally just a door away from me, do you really expect me to wait any longer?"

"Yes, Edward. Remember why she's been away for so long. The purpose of this whole separation was so that she could create the perfect wedding for you, she wants to surprise you. Don't ruin this for her."

I sighed. If he had said anything else... but for Bella's sake I would endure the separation a little longer. I even resisted the temptation of peeking into any of the girls' minds, focusing on Emmett, who was still trying to get the ceremony 'just right'.

Then my phone buzzed in my hand, just as I heard squeals of protest erupt from the girls' room.

_Morning, fiancée. _

Two short words, but they brought a song to my heart.

_Not for much longer, dear one._

I replied as fast as I dared to on the fragile phone and waited impatiently for a reply.

_You'd better appreciate all the work I've put into this, Edward Cullen. Alice has been doing my hair for hours now. Argh!_

I fought to suppress a laugh, but succeeded only in stifling it, so that it sounded like a choked snort, showing Jasper and Emmett the text when they looked at me curiously.

_Tell me about it, Carlisle actually made me comb my hair. Shock horror!_

He actually had made me, not that it had done much good. Apparently vampire hair was just as stubborn as the rest of us, and I adamantly refused the products which I imagined Alice was using to make Bella's hair submit.

_Lucky you. Alice has six combs! Speaking of six.. who knew six hours could seem so long?_

I wasn't the only impatient one then.

_Who knew they could seem longer than three months? I wish I could see you now._

The odd thing was that they did seem longer. The last few months seemed to have flown by, they seemed like nothing compared to the huge gulf of time between now and three o'clock. Bella's reply seemed to take forever to come, and I heard muffled sounds of arguing from the next room.

_What the hell, it's only bad luck if you see me in my dress and I'm not dressed yet ; ) meet you outside? But only if you promise not to laugh at my hair. It's a work in progress._

I was out of the door almost before I'd even finished reading the text, dropping the phone carelessly in my haste. Behind the church was a small graveyard, quiet and secluded with high walls and tall leafy trees shading the grass. Bella stood in the middle of it, dressed in a white shift, hair in masses of curlers which seemed to dwarf her. Objectively, I supposed, the sight was amusing, but nothing was farther from my mind than humour.

_Bella..._

I didn't speak, and nor did she. I ran to her, and she met me halfway, burying her face in my chest, as I buried mine in her tortured hair; thankfully Alice hadn't sprayed it with anything yet, so it still smelled like Bella.

After a few minutes I felt the tension ease from Bella's body, and she sighed.

"Ah," she breathed, "there it is. Tanya was right. How could I help but feel safe with you?" Her words were cryptic, out of context, but I heard what I needed to; the deep satisfaction in her voice. I felt the way her body melted like butter into mine.

"I'll always keep you safe, love,"

"I know."

She pulled me impossibly closer, forcing the granite hardness of our bodies to become soft and pliant, melding until there wasn't a hair's breadth between us.

"I don't have long," she said, mournfully, "Alice's timetable is very packed." I fought my rising panic. I couldn't lose her again so quickly after our reunion! But I knew that she had to go. It would be wrong of me to spoil all her plans for the sake of petty, instant gratification. Fighting to control hands which only wanted to hold her, I let her go, looked at her a moment, drinking in the sight of her, and then turned and went back inside.

_Four hours to go..._

Rosalie POV

"I'm going to be sick!" Bella wailed, pulling away from the unfortunate Alice, who had undertaken the not-inconsiderable task of doing Bella's make up. She struggled valiantly, but Bella's face was pulled into a rictus of terror, making it impossible. Bella had been calmer since we let her see Edward, but her tension had been creeping back up all the time Alice had been doing her hair, and it seemed that putting on her make up was the last straw.

"Bella! Don't be ridiculous, vampires don't get sick." The levity in Alice's voice was very forced, and she was watching the clock pointedly.

Though it surprised even me, I felt great sympathy for Bella. Was this how I would have felt, I wondered, walking up the aisle on the arm of a human lover? If I had been promised to a true man, not the animal my betrothed had been? By the time I married Emmett, I had no innocence left to lose, and I had seen too much terror in my life to be nervous about my wedding.

Watching Bella, feverish with excitement and fear, I envied all she had ahead of her. She would marry Edward in white, not the ivory I had worn each and every time I had wedded Emmett. The loss of her virginity would be a beautiful thing, tender and greatly anticipated. Not that I begrudged her any of this, but the sight of her made me ache for what I hadn't, and could never, have.

I pulled my hand away from the table as I felt it start to crumble under my touch; my fists were clenching in impotent, furious grief. I made an excuse to leave and fled, calling out to Emmett, and finally finding him sitting outside the church, back against a headstone.

I was glad that we weren't one of those couples who always had to _talk_ about everything. With one look at my face, he knew exactly what I needed, and he held his arms out to me. Gratefully, I collapsed into them, burying my face in his chest, flooding my senses with him to block out everything else.

Carlisle told me once that, had I been human, I would undoubtedly have had post traumatic stress disorder. As it was, my vampirism exempted me from from the physical symptoms; sleep disturbance, headaches and the rest. What it couldn't save me from was the memories; human memories which should have faded, but which I had unwillingly relived over and over until every detail was branded into my perfect vampire brain.

Sometimes years would go by, and I believed I'd begun to forget, but of course, that was impossible. Some things you can't escape, and when the memories took me, there was nothing I could do but seek refuge in Emmett's arms, and allow them to run their course.

_Feel his arms, _I told myself, _hard and cold and gentle, and nothing like theirs. Smell his scent, icy and sweet and not human in the slightest... _this was the litany I summoned to sustain me, but even as I began it, I realised it was unnecessary. It wasn't _those_ memories which haunted me now, but others. Not even proper memories, not really, just echoes of dreams.

My wedding, my house, my brown-haired, blue-eyed angel child. The life Royce stole from me that night.

"Shh, baby," Emmett was crooning in my ear, "it's just us here, you and me."

An impulse, handed down through the aeons, the most basic urge, more primal than survival, and no less strong in me despite its futility, called to me now. I carefully removed my bridesmaid's gown, stripped Emmett of his tux, and pulled him into me.

And it was the gentlest, purest, most achingly beautiful experience anyone had ever had.

_Two hours to go..._

Tanya POV

Alice had finally released me, saying she could finish without me, and with a few final words of wisdom to my white-clad protegee, I departed and went to seek out Edward.

Alice had told me about both parts of his gift for Bella, and I approved immensely. We had both been worried that he would completely misjudge things, buy Bella something priceless and tacky, but he had outdone himself. As I walked over to the boys' room, I stuck my head through the double doors and into the main body of the church, noting with satisfaction the cameras which were tastefully hidden by wreaths of flowers. I had never stopped mourning my mother, so I knew how important parents were, and I was glad that Edward had found a way to give Bella's back to her for this momentous occasion.

It was Edward's other present which prompted me to seek him out now, and as I walked into the room I took a moment to admire him, sleekly formal in his tuxedo, and glowing with anticipation.

"You have the music?" I asked, and he reverently handed me a leather bound book containing many pages of manuscript. Then he handed me an ipod.

"Play it like this," he begged me, "can you?"

"Edward," I sighed, "I may not have your flair for composition, but as a performer I am beyond reproach. I'll do your music justice." He nodded gratefully and I took the book and slipped the headphones into my ears. I pressed play and followed the music with my eyes on the page, making notes to myself. _Andante to begin, moving up to mezzo, _I thought, noting a _slur_ here, a _portamento_ there, hearing with approval the _rubato_ at the end. Edward had created a masterpiece, and my fingers itched for a chance to practice the music in front of me.

"Head west about three miles and you'll pick up Alice's scent. If you follow it, you'll find a house with a servicable upright. The owners are out of town for the rest of the month, so you won't be disturbed," Edward said, in response to my thought, and I was too absorbed in the music still echoing in my head to pay much heed to the knowing smirk on his face as I left, or to question that Alice had chosen to 'borrow' a house, rather than buying one and furnishing it with an expensive grand piano, as would have been her usual style.

I followed Edward's instructions, humming the melody to myself and beating out the more staccato phrases on the steering wheel. The first piece he had given me only lasted about a minute and a half; the length of time it would take a bride to walk down the aisle of a church, and the second was no longer, but he had managed to squeeze in more depth of feeling than I would have thought possible, without cluttering the melody, which was as light and airy as sunshine. I had the windows rolled down, and as Edward had predicted, I caught Alice's smell, and turned down a side road to follow it. When I reached the house, I found one of the front windows conveniently open. I was surprised that the lingering scent of human was still quite strong, the residents obviously hadn't been gone long, but I knew if Alice said I would be undisturbed, that I had nothing to worry about, so I sneaked inside.

The house was small and sparsely furnished, careworn and showing serious signs of neglect. All except for the piano, which was old and slightly beaten up, but shone with a fresh coat of polish. I didn't have to be a musician to feel the love that someone obviously held for this instrument. It wasn't expensive-looking, but when I lifted the lid and pressed an experimental key, the tone was sweet and pure, and I hummed in pleasure.

Opening up the book Edward had given me, I set it on the stand and began to play, practising the first piece until I was sure that it was perfect, before moving onto the second, which I mastered just as swiftly. It was the third piece which I lingered over; this one was longer and more complex. This piece was intended for their first dance, so I couldn't be as free with the tempo as I had been with the others. Somehow I had to pour every drop of love I possessed into this melody – which in all fairness practically ached to absorb it – without resorting to the tempting _rubato _of the romantic period which felt so fitting to the mood of this piece.

I knew it was possible, having heard Edward's recording of himself playing it, but I just couldn't get it quite right. After half an hour, I was hissing with frustration, uneasily aware of the seconds as they slipped by; not long to go now, and I had to play this perfectly. Never before had I been defeated by a piece, no matter how complex or demanding. I had perfected Chopin's etudes in a single sitting, played Liszt without batting an eyelid, but I knew it was not my technical prowess which failed me here. How could I, with my fickle, flighty heart, do justice to a piece of such transcendent faithfulness, such enduring devotion as this? How could I be expected to play love of a magnitude that I had never felt?

I was so absorbed in my playing that I failed to hear the car pull up outside, or the key turn in the lock. It wasn't until the door opened, blowing a gust of unmistakably human-scented air, across my face that I realised I wasn't alone. I jumped up, surprised, silence falling like a shroud as the last notes I'd played faded into nothingness.

The human in the doorway stared at me, baffled. Like his house, there was an air of neglect about his person; hair unkempt and shirt crumpled as if he'd slept in it, though his piercing blue eyes were alert and intelligent. He was unshaven, his stubble lending manly strength to a face which could otherwise have seemed girlish in its fine-boned delicacy, but what really caught my attention was his hands, wrapped around the grocery bag he clutched to his chest. The palms were square, fingers long and tapering, with short blunt nails. They were elegant, strong, and unutterably sexy. I looked at the clock; I had an hour before I had to leave to get to the wedding. Plenty of time, humans rarely lasted long with me.

At my amorous growl, the bag he was holding fell to the floor. I stalked towards him, longing to feel those hands on my skin. Skipping my normal preamble, I ripped the clothes from my body and pressed myself against him, feeling his heat sink into me, igniting my nerves. After spending a moment frozen in shock, he responded, hands flying to the buttons on his shirt.

I snarled, wanting his hands for myself, and tore away his clothes as perfunctorily as I had my own. He seemed to take his sudden nakedness in his stride, and he reached out, twining his hands in my hair as he bent his head to kiss me. I opened my eyes long enough to make out the couch behind him, then pushed him down onto it and kissed him again. He had put out his hands to brace himself, but now he raised them to me again, stroking my breasts, the arch of my back, coming to rest on my hips as I raised myself up and, finding him more than ready to meet me, and lowered myself down, feeling his heat enter me, scratching that indefinable itch which never seemed to go away. I tried to be gentle, but his hands on my hips were demanding, pulling at me, until I was bucking with wild abandon, snarling my lust. He propped himself up on his elbows until he could reach my breast with his mouth. I expected a kiss, but he bit down hard on my nipple, tugging at it with a passable snarl of his own, sucking hungrily. I panted and felt myself begin to climax, felt him spill his seed inside me. I collapsed on top of him, enjoying the delicate fluttering as he softened inside me.

I looked at the clock again, and realised that more time had passed than I expected. I had to leave in ten minutes. I swore as I noticed the scraps of fabric on the floor, realising that I had destroyed my dress, and then noticing, as I hadn't before, its exact replica hanging from the coat rack, evidently a gift from Alice. I dressed quickly, running upstairs to fix my hair in the mirror. Five minutes left. Just long enough to practice that final piece one more time. As I flew downstairs, I noticed my lover still lying on the couch, shell-shocked, but looking happy. I sat down at the piano and played, and this time every nuance came to me as if the muse was sitting at my right hand side. Pure love spilled from my fingers as I struck note after gorgeous note. I finished with a sigh of satisfaction, and turned to find the man standing behind me, a look of awe on his face.

"Yes," he said, "I felt that too."

I looked towards the still-open door, suddenly loathe to leave him, but there was understanding in his eyes.

"Come back to me." He said, and it wasn't a request, or an order; he spoke with perfect faith, complete trust that I would return.

As I left, I knew that I would.

_One hour to go..._

Charlie POV

It was strange, having Renee in my house again after all these years. I supposed that I should have been at the station with the tech guys, trying to trace the signal, or at the very least, I should have let them come here. But just as there hadn't even been a discussion of Renee bringing Phil, I hadn't considered letting any outsiders share this moment.

I knew that when it was over, real life would intrude again. I would return to my work, and Renee to her husband. I had reconciled myself many years ago to the fact that no matter how in love we were, we weren't good for each other. Renee was happy with Phil, and I was happy to see her happy, but I still loved her, and I knew she still loved me.

This last year had been hard for her, harder than for me, I think. I had at least been able to feel useful, working at the station, she had had no distractions. Underneath the turmoil of my emotions, sitting here, waiting to see whatever it was that we would see, I felt a faint gladness that I had been the only one to get the packages, that I had been able to give this to her, this hope of contact with our daughter.

We sat, hand in hand on the sofa, leaning in eagerly to stare at the screen which, instead of its place-holder, now showed a timer, ticking down the minutes until we would see Bella. My back ached from sitting so unnaturally, and my fingertips were turning purple in Renee's grip. I was thirsty and I badly needed to pee, but I knew without even having to think of it that we would not move from this spot now, not until it was over.

One hour to go.


	22. Matrimony

EPOV

It was time. I stood at the altar, the chatter of everyone's final preparations filling my head as I waited. It wasn't until Jasper took it from my hands that I realised I had been toying with the ring box; passing it from hand to hand, turning it end over end. Whether from nerves or impatience I wasn't sure. Forcing my hands to be still at my sides, I mentally counted down the seconds until Bella would be here.

_Three, two, one, _there was a whoosh as the doors opened inwards, and on the gust of air which followed I tasted Bella. Tanya started playing with such feeling that the music crackled with electricity, and I felt a sudden traitorous stab of relief. Of course I had trusted that she would get it right, that she would play with the feeling I intended. Of course I had trusted that. But I was relieved none the less.

For a moment I didn't turn around, and it felt like that moment of stillness between throwing a ball up, and it falling down to earth. I was poised on the brink of something, something incredible, and I wanted to absorb all the buoyant possibility of this frozen second. Then the itch to see her became too great, and the moment was broken. I turned around.

There were no words to describe how she looked, though a small, self-aggrandizing part of me thought that the music playing as she walked down the aisle towards me did a good job. I knew that no language could adequately capture her beauty, but I found myself trying none the less, wanting a frame of words within which I could keep this picture forever.

_Effervescent, luminescent, stately, centred, elegant, opulent, incandescent. Perfect._

I could taste her beauty, breathe it in. It was an overcast day, but she seemed to light the church from within; she glowed in my sight, as if a stray ray of sun had wormed its way through the clouds, desperately searching for just this very soul to fall on, and, finding her, had pooled around her feet like a cross between an affectionate cat, and a worshipful acolyte. My metaphors became more and more luridly overblown as I reeled, struck by her beauty as if it were a blow to the chest.

I was punch-drunk, giddy. The whole situation was leant a cast of unreality by the small – but noisy – part of me which still couldn't believe that this was happening to me. The rightness of it all seemed almost excessive, it was implausible that any two souls could fit together so perfectly. Nature, or design, or whatever it was which claimed responsibility for this earth seemed to have bestowed its gifts upon Bella with near-comical abundance; her soulful eyes, full lips, the thick cascade of hair which was pulled up high on her head, in a deceptively casual mass of braids and ringlets, many of which had been teased free to fall lovingly around her face. Yes, Bella had been given many gifts, and in an unprecedented improbability, she had chosen, in turn, to give these gifts to me. _To me._

The expanse of bare neck and collarbone, elegantly vulnerable without her hair around it, was ridiculously erotic. She swallowed, nervously, and the movement of tendons beneath her skin was almost pornographic in its naked beauty.

Her bouquet was a delicate handful of white flowers; the fluted throats of jimson weed, which I would never again bring myself to call a weed, the flat, lightly veined flush of viburnum, sprigs of yarrow with their tiny, ecstatic bursts of petals. It was a simple bouquet, which called to mind the freshly picked clumps of wild flowers which are crushed in the enthusiastic hands of children across the country, and more perfectly complimented her air of girlish innocence and excitement than any expensively ornate arrangement ever could.

When I could bring myself to tear my eyes from the details, and take her in as a whole, I at last saw what must have been the reason why Bella, my completely fashion-oblivious Bella, had been reduced to a sighing, teary-eyed débutante by a dress. The fabric was finished with thousands upon thousands of minuscule crystals, which caught the light in much the same way as her skin would in bright sunlight, so small as to blend lightly into the fabric, avoiding even the barest hint of ostentatiousness. The deep décolletage was rendered girlishly demure by a high-necked, long-sleeved panel of sheerest lace. The the tightly corseted bodice flowed seamlessly into the massed skirts, which were not made bulky by layers of petticoats, but rather draped in a sweeping abundance of pure white silk to fall in yards and yards of fabric at the hem, the a-line created by the starched, crackling stiffness of the material. A lengthy train tapered out behind her, presided over by Alice and Esme, each glowing with maternal pride, as Rosalie brought up the rear carrying a basket filled with delicate masses of the same flowers Bella clutched.

She had created the exact picture of the wedding we would have had, almost a century ago, if she had been born in my time, and we had lived together as humans. Not for the first time I marvelled at how skilfully she had resurrected my humanity, which had been missing, presumed dead, until she walked into my life.

Carlisle, walking proudly erect beside her, seemed to be lit with an inner light. I knew it had been many centuries since he had been inside a church, since our family's many weddings had all been secular, for one reason or another. Though he lived a life which was beyond any form of ethical or theological reproach, to my eyes at least, he felt uncomfortable confronting his quiet faith so brazenly. I knew, though he fought to hide it, that there was a part of him which felt that he could never again belong in a house of God. But as he walked down the aisle with Bella on his arm, he was every inch the proud father, not cowed or ashamed. I could hear his thoughts as he marvelled at that very fact; _I am here, because she is. I belong here, because she does._

My Bella, my beautiful miracle.

My time for contemplation was almost at an end, Bella was mere paces away from me, and my music was building to its climax. Raking her with my gaze, I fought to memorise every inch of her. I wanted, a century from now, to be able to lie in bed and relive this second in my mind, with perfect clarity. In that moment, it mattered little that I would have her at my side for eternity; how could I possibly survive if one day, be it months or millennia from now, I couldn't quite recall the faint lilac shadow in the hollow behind her left ear, if I couldn't quite picture the sweep of her eyelashes as she shyly looked down, avoiding my avid gaze, or hear the crackling swish of her skirts as she walked? How could a world in which the ethereal lightness of her steps on this cool stone floor could be forgotten have meaning? So I worked furiously in those final frantic seconds, to commit every detail to memory.

By the time she reached me, and Carlisle – with a reluctance to part with her which was not feigned – put her hand in mine, I knew I had succeeded. I felt a pride all out of proportion with my achievement; as if by faithfully and ardently securing my technicolour memories of my Bella I had ensured the continuing progression of night and day, fixed the Earth a little more securely in its orbit around the sun, kept a thousand thousand sparrows from falling.

Her hand in mine at last, Bella turned to face me. Her face was grave and I could feel the tension in her body. Her lower lip crept between her teeth in an unconscious search for comfort. She looked down at her feet, refusing to meet my eyes, and I was struck with sudden terror. Having come this far I hadn't even considered the idea that she might change her mind. I squeezed her hand, willing her to look up at me, needing to see the truth in her eyes. Finally, she raised her eyes to mine, with a weak smile, and to my relief, I saw only nerves. Understandable, when she so hated being the centre of attention. I racked my brains, trying to find a way to ease the tension; I wanted her to relax, to feel the bliss that I felt, wanted the beauty and rightness of this moment to reach her through the veil of her fears. I felt trapped, all of a sudden, by the rituals which said I couldn't kiss her yet, couldn't take her in my arms and whisper comfort in her ear. I needed to soothe her, but my hands were tied.

Before my panic could escalate too sharply, Emmett coughed lightly to draw our attention and, as we turned to face him, started speaking.

"Marriage," he began, intoning the words sonorously, an enigmatic smile on his face as he met Bella's eye, "marriage is what brings us together today." He enunciated the words perfectly, without a trace of the lisp my mind insisted I ought to be hearing. The spatter of muffled chuckles which echoed in the stillness told me that I wasn't the only one to make the mental substitution of Peter Cook's voice for Emmett's.

It was with a dizzying mix of relief, gratitude and elation that I heard the delicate chime of Bella's giggle and realised that Emmett had done what I couldn't and broken the tension, bringing Bella skilfully out of her nervous fugue. In that moment I loved my brother more than I ever had before. How could I ever have thought asking Emmett to do this was a choice made by default, by the toss of a coin? He was perfect at this. No one else could have been irreverent enough to begin with the joke which Bella had so badly required. I met his gaze, trying to thank him with my eyes for knowing what Bella needed when no one else did. His answering smile was benign, with just the barest hint of smugness. _I would have been wasted as a best man_, he thought at me, _I rock at this!_

I have a slight nod of my head to indicate agreement, and as the final sniggers died away, Emmett continued.

"Marriage is a word which means different things to different people. To some it is a sacred and lifelong commitment, to others a meaningless or outmoded symbol. Some people marry for love, others for money, or duty, or to keep up appearances. In the end, marriage is what you make of it, and I know you two will make something beautiful together.

"I don't think there is a person in this room who doubts that this marriage will be one of great love, great joy, and great devotion, but if there is anyone here who objects to the joining of these two souls, now is the time to say something."

There was a resounding silence, and I took the moment to consider Emmett's carefully chosen words. There was a clear message behind them, which I would have seen, even if he hadn't been thinking it loud and clear. I don't know why it was Emmett I had found myself talking to, rather than Jasper or Carlisle – by far the deeper thinkers – but talk to him I had, about all the metaphysical worries that I had found Bella now shared with me. Emmett might not have been the obvious choice, but I had been right to trust my instincts; his beautifully uncluttered world view and simple pragmatism had been just what I needed.

And it was what I needed now. That one simple word 'souls' set in stone my newfound belief that I was not a monster, not beyond redemption. I had a soul, and so did Bella, and right here, right now, we would link those souls, finally and irrevocably.

After a few more moments of stillness, Emmett continued. "I understand that you have each written your own vows?" We both nodded in unison, then exchanged a brief amused glance at how eagerly our heads had bobbed in time. Emmett turned to Jasper, "you have the rings?"

Jasper passed each of us a small ring box, and then Emmett gestured to me to begin. I took a deep breath.

"Bella, I can't say what my life was like before you, because there was no life for me before you. You are the sun in my sky, and the spring in my step. You are my light, and my hope, and my forever. I vow that every second of my life will be about you, I vow to always give you anything you want, and everything you need, I vow never to say no when you want to watch the same film three nights in a row, and never laugh at you for listening to cheesy nineties pop music." she laughed, softly, and I opened the box in my hands. "And lastly, I vow that my heart will be like the diamond in this ring; eternal, unbreakable, and yours." She held her left hand out to me, trembling, and I lightly slipped the ring onto her finger.

It looked so right there.

There was a pause, as we both looked at the ring on Bella's hand, and then she took both my hands in hers and looked into my eyes, and the whole world went away.

You probably think that's romantic hyperbole, but it isn't. The world literally stopped. Everything went quiet, even the voices in my head. There was nothing but a silence more profound than I had heard since I had become a vampire. I looked around, briefly, in confusion, but everyone was still there, still conscious, still apparently thinking. I just couldn't hear their thoughts.

Then I heard one thought.

_Edward..._

I gasped. It was barely a whisper, but one I had never expected to hear in my mind. Even though Bella had gone to Denali to learn this very thing, I hadn't allowed myself to hope it might be possible. I wanted it so badly, this glimpse into Bella's thoughts, and I knew if I allowed myself to expect it, and she couldn't or wouldn't follow through, then my disappointment would crush both of us, so I had pushed the very thought from my mind.

How strange, that I should finally hear Bella's thoughts now, when I had suddenly been struck mentally deaf, unable to listen to anyone else's. I wondered if it was the shock of hearing her mind that had tuned out everything else.

_Do you like the quiet Edward? Here is my full gift to you; not only access to my thoughts, when you want it, but freedom from theirs as well. Welcome into my shield, love._

My mind reeled as realised the full implications of what she had given me. Never again would I be invaded, violated by the thoughts of those around me, not unless I wished it. I could attend school again, this time without being subjected to the endless fantasies and petty feuds of my fellow students. Never again would I have to feel that alien, uncanny, inhuman feeling of strangers pacing around in my brain. If I could have cried, I would have. _Oh Bella, oh my love, thank you, thank you with all my heart._

I wanted to thank her out loud, but it was her turn to speak, so I thanked her with my eyes, squeezing her hands tightly to show my gratitude for this gift she had given me. After her brief communication to me, she had withdrawn even her own thoughts from my mind, and I revelled in the feeling of being alone in my own head. I missed the sound of her mental voice, but I knew that there would be plenty of time for that later. For now, I was content to listen to her words.

"I love you, Edward," she said simply, her voice strong and confident in the echoing quiet, "and there are so many more things I could say to you, things I want to say, about how you complete me, how you always seem to know the right thing to say, how you're always there when I need you, how no one in the world listens the way you do. And I will say these things, all of these and more, but not now. Right now, these words are all that stand between us, the only things in the way of that moment when I will put this ring on your finger, and become yours forever, so I'm done with words. I love you."

With those words, she released my hands, and slipped the ring she held onto my finger. I felt it settle into place, felt an almost audible click as everything fell into place; the ring on her finger, the ring on mine, our lives together. I was lost in my contemplation of this moment when Emmett's voice rang out, startling me.

"I now pronounce you, Edward Anthony Cullen, and you, Isabella Marie Swan, man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

So I did. As our lips met, she lifted the barrier between our minds, and I felt all her almost wordless ecstasy spilling over into me. Her joy was so great that it wasn't just an audible thing to me, my vision glowed with it, as if two small suns burned beneath my eyelids, and my skin tingled, every nerve awakened by her passion for me. I kissed her softly, gently, with all the tenderness I possessed, but my arms around her waist gripped tightly, as she held me, so tightly it felt like we would fuse into one. When the kiss ended, we didn't pull away, we just gazed into each other's eyes, forehead to forehead, tips of our noses touching. I lost myself in her eyes; the red had gradually faded to gold, warm and bright, and now there was no trace of it left. I suddenly imagined that I could understand all those insects that had been found, trapped in amber. I could understand the urge to lose yourself in those liquid pools, as bright as sunshine, knew that I could drown in her eyes, be trapped forever, and love every second of it.

Finally, her mind began to clear, and a single word crystallised out of the mass of emotion.

_Mine._

"Yours," I whispered to her, agreeing, and squeezed her tighter, "always yours,"

Another beautiful moment, and then Emmett coughed pointedly, and called us over to sign the marriage certificate, along with Esme and Carlisle, our witnesses. We didn't stop touching the entire time; my arm around her shoulders when she signed, her hand in my hair when I did. When Esme and Carlisle sat down to do their bit, we kissed again, more fervently this time, and I wanted nothing more than to drag her straight to our boat and sail away with her right that second. Her thoughts were still in my mind, and I knew she felt the same way. Then they were finished, and music started playing. My music.

"That's our cue, love," I muttered, and grudgingly let go of her. She slipped her arm through mine and we turned to walk down the aisle, family falling into step behind us as they followed us out.

_Did you write this Edward? _I nodded to her. _It's so beautiful it just about breaks my heart. _I stiffened, worried that I had upset her, but she just laughed, _in a good way. Like when you read a book, and the ending is so happy it makes you cry. It's the most gorgeous music I've ever heard._

I couldn't get over the feeling of having her in my mind, it was like being filled with light, with the mellow sunshine of her voice. It was bliss. She had stopped 'talking' to me, and was just listening to the music, and I felt her heart swell along with mine, in time to the rhythmic beat. Her enjoyment was the best thanks I could imagine, and I listened avidly to her stream of consciousness.

_So beautiful, I can't believe anyone could actually write this, I must be married to a god! Married... hmm, never thought that word would sound so good to me. Married. Wow... that can't be an organ playing, it sounds more like a choir of angels. I must have done something really right in a previous life to deserve Edward. Tanya can really play, can't believe I never knew that. Then again, it shouldn't surprise me, after all, she can do plenty of other interesting things with her fingers. Damn, shut up Bella. Don't think about Tanya or Edward will hear about the _other_ present. Don't spoil the surprise._

Her shields slammed back into place between us, and I was alone in my head once more. The sensation was still so new that the sheer joy of the silence was enough to quell my disappointment at losing her thoughts. It did nothing for my curiosity though. Another gift?

We had reached the door, just as the music drew to a close, and we filed quickly into the waiting cars. Jasper and Alice sat in the front of ours, Jasper driving, but a glass partition between the front and back seats gave Bella and I some privacy as we drove to the elegant Georgian mansion out in the country which we had bought for the occasion.

"Another present?" I asked, innocently, as soon as we were under way. Bella ducked her head in the way I had begun to recognise as the equivalent of a blush. As a human she had probably ducked her head to hide the colour in her cheeks, and the habit had stuck, even though it was no longer necessary.

"Um, that one is for later, Edward. As in, you know, _honeymoon _later." I chuckled at her obvious embarassment.

"I understand, love. I've got another gift for you, _later_, as well. Did you like the music?"

"It was beautiful Edward. Words can't... it was like you were making love to my ears. Oh, except without the weird mental image. Ew." I laughed again.

"I knew what you meant... I think!"

"I never knew you could write music like that, Edward, why didn't you tell me?" Her voice was scolding, face petulant.

"I couldn't write like that," I answered truthfully, "not until you came along. Oh, I've tried my hand at composition a few times, with some success, but I've never written anything like that before. You're my muse. I couldn't have written that without you."

"Hmm, 'your muse', I like that. Well, my little musician, it's time to stop hiding your light under a bushel. You should write more."

"As you wish, my love,"

"I love you Edward,"

"And I, you, my Bella."

Charlie POV

And it was over. Bella had left the church, and the camera hadn't followed. I didn't know what to feel. I was frustrated that the video had been so skilfully edited as to give no hint of the identities of anyone except Bella, elated at seeing her unharmed and apparently happy after all this time, and suspicious, the part of me which had lead me to devote my life to the police force clamouring for something to investigate, something to enforce.

Renee was crying; but for the first time since Bella's disappearance, they were happy tears. mother-of-the-bride tears, wedding tears. She beamed at me, using the hand she still held to pull me to her, holding me in a tight hug. Strictly controlling the way my heart soared at her touch, I forced myself to focus. _She isn't yours, Charlie. Not anymore. She belongs in the sunshine. _

"Oh Charlie. She's ok! I was so scared, but she's ok. Everything's ok."

"Are you sure?" I asked, still dubious. Marriage? It seemed like the last thing my Bella would ever do is marry so young, with her parents' disastrous example to guide her. "At the start, don't you think she looked unhappy? And she moved so strangely, she's never walked like that before. Something just seemed odd to me."

"Oh Charlie, why won't you let yourself be glad for her? She wasn't unhappy, she was nervous! You know how she hates being the centre of attention, getting married would have been like a waking nightmare to her. She must really love that man..." she trailed off, musing.

"And what about the rest?" I demanded, refusing to be placated so easily.

"She looked strange because she wasn't falling over her feet. That's all. She's finally grown into her skin, stopped being so clumsy. Love will do that for you, you know." She smiled fondly at me, and I remembered how clutzy she had been as a youth, until that night we danced together for the first time, and she had been so light, so responsive to my every touch. It had been like dancing with sunlight. I sighed, she was right. There was nothing in that video to arouse the slightest bit of suspicion; it was just that a part of me kept looking, kept hoping I'd find something, some excuse to keep looking for her. If she was happy, and able to come back. If she really had abandoned us through choice, then there was nothing more I could do to get her back.

That video, it had gotten me through these last few difficult weeks, given me something to look forward to. Now I had nothing; nothing to suggest I would ever see her again. I felt my chest heave as I suppressed the sobs threatening to break out of me.

I felt Renee's arms around me again, but even that was not enough to ease my pain.

"She's gone," I gasped, "that's it, I'll never see her again."

"Shh," she soothed me instantly, "look at the screen." I looked. Gone was the empty church, but it wasn't blank. Instead the placeholder was back, with a timer. It was counting down, from two hours.

I had to hope that in two hours, I would see Bella again.

"Don't you see?" Renee asked, and I still hadn't seen. She had always been the intuitive one; my investigations consisted of the stately plod of logic, without the brilliant flashes of insight she possessed. "Look at what she sent you. Computer, modem, and webcam. Why would she send you a webcam, unless she wanted to see you too? Charlie, she's going to talk to us! In two hours, we'll finally be able to talk to her again!"


	23. Head and Heart

EPOV

"I'm going to be sick!" Bella moaned, and I felt a little part of me die inside. I'd done this to her, upset her like this. Alice, however, was less impressed by Bella's histrionics.

"We've been over this, Bella," she sighed. "You've been saying that all day, and have you actually been sick?"

"...No..." Bella muttered, grudgingly. "But I just know I'm going to be this time."

"No you aren't. Vampires don't get sick!" She held up a finger to forestall Bella's reply. "We don't faint either. Now settle down and enjoy your gift. Don't you want to see your parents?"

This was the question I had been dreading ever since Bella had reacted with terror, rather than the anticipated excitement, to my announcement that I had found a way to reintroduce her parents into her life. The one question I'd never thought of. And it was an important question; I had not been without indications of its importance.

Why did Bella call her parents by their christian names, rather than calling them mom and dad, or some variation of that? Why after all this time had she not got in touch with them herself, even though she kept saying she was going to? Why had she left her mother to move to Forks?

All excellent questions. What if Bella _didn't _want to see her parents again? My telepathy had given me unwanted insight into exactly how wrong the parent-child relationship could go, and though I'd always used my knowledge to improve the lives of those so afflicted, it disturbed me how often my intervention had been necessary, and in the most unlikely families.

You'd think with those experiences, that second-hand pain which had seared itself into my memory, I wouldn't automatically equate parents with safety and comfort. But then my parents, both human and vampire, had been the epitome of all that is good about families, and no one ever really learns from second hand experience, not the way they should.

Why hadn't I just asked her first?

All these thoughts and more crossed my speeding mind in the split-second it took Bella to answer. Thankfully, she did so in the affirmative, crushing my fears as if they had never been.

"Of course I want to see them, Alice, but it isn't safe for them. What if the Volturi..." she trailed off, her voice a mere whisper as she uttered the name of the family which held such absolute sway over our lives, as if they would hear her if she spoke too loud. _Keep the secret. _The only rule, and by putting Bella in this situation, we were risking breaking it.

Of course the risk was minimal, more or less non-existent, as Alice had assured me. In some ways, our awe of the Volturi was excessive, as was our fear of their vengeance. The only way such a breach would come to their attention was if the human in question shared their knowledge publicly, or if a fellow vampire sold us out. The former was a vanishingly slim prospect; if Bella's parents truly loved her – and they must, for my heart would not countenance the alternative – then they wouldn't risk exposing her. The latter, also, was unlikely. We had no real enemies among our kind, living peacefully as we did.

_And, _a small traitorous voice in the back of my head whispered, _even if the unthinkable should happen, it's only her parents' lives which are forfeit. Bella would still be safe._ It was a thought both selfish and stupid; if Bella's parents were to die, because of what she was – what I had made her – then she would be grievously wounded. I knew with certainty that my heart now resided in her chest; any arrow of grief or misfortune which struck her would find its tip sunk deep in my flesh too.

Of course, the pain would be nothing compared to the pain of losing Bella. I knew I was selfish, and I accepted this. I wouldn't have brought Bella's parents back into her life, if her life had been among the stakes. But it wasn't, and I brought my mind back to the matter at hand.

"It's safe Bella, I wouldn't have done this if there was a risk of them finding out the truth. You'll look a little different, of course, but the picture will be poor enough quality to camouflage that. If they ask about your eyes, just tell them it's the lighting in here."

Esme interrupted me. "Bella, they're your parents. As long as they know you're safe and happy, they won't even notice anything else. Trust me. If you get stuck, or don't know what to say, just tell them you don't want to talk about it. They'll be too scared of losing you again to push you too hard."

"Esme!" Bella sounded shocked, and a little hurt. "I won't hold that threat over them, that's just cruel."

"You won't need to." Esme replied with uncharacteristic bluntness. "It'll be there whether you want it to or not. I know you hate the idea of using their love to aid your deception, but you're a Cullen now, so suck it up. We all know that we endanger the lives of any human we allow to even guess at our secret, so we learn to lie well, and use every weapon in our arsenal to keep them safe. It's a hard lesson to learn, but every one of us risks this exact thing every single day, simply by choosing to live among them."

"If it helps," I interjected, my tone soft since Bella was looking a little shaken by Esme's abruptness, "it probably won't even come to lying. Humans are amazingly good at not seeing what they know can't be there. If they notice something strange about you, they might think you'd fallen in with the wrong crowd, or got into drugs, but the thought that you might be a vampire wouldn't even cross their minds. It just isn't within the human frame of reference."

I put my arms around her, and she leaned into me.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," I whispered in her ear, "but if all you're worried about is keeping them safe, then don't. I promise, it'll be ok."

She opened herself to me, and I felt her flurry of panic, of warring excitement and fear. _I need you there with me Edward. I can't do this alone._

"I'll be just on the other side of that door, if you want me to be. I'll hear every word."

_No, not out there. I need you in here, next to me. I need to know you'll speak for me if I can't. I'm not good enough at lying, and you have so much more practice._

"You know I can't. Charlie's met me, he'll recognise me."

_So stay out of shot. It's not like you've spoken to him much, he won't recognise your voice. There are thousands of Edwards out there so as long as I don't use anyone else's name, he'll have no reason to remember you._

"Please, Edward," she begged out loud, and as always, I was powerless to resist. I turned to Alice.

"Is it safe?"

She thought for a moment. "You can't name any of the rest of us, not even one. Charlie will mention that he knew someone called Edward, and ask if Bella remembers him, but he won't be suspicious. Answer convincingly, and things will actually turn out better this way. If Renee doesn't meet you, she'll wonder why. She's far more perceptive than Charlie is. That could have been a problem."

Bella stiffened.

"Not with the Volturi, Bella. You have to remember that your parents don't live in our world. They are subject to other authorities. No, it could have meant problems with the police, if they suspected that Edward was staying away because they might recognise him. Problems with the police aren't a major worry to us, but we'd have to move, and moving you is risky while you're still so young. It took careful planning to get you here safely, without coming across any humans. I can't see any problems, just keep your cool, and make sure Edward stays out of shot. Oh, but make sure you keep your shields down while you're in there, so I can let Edward know straight away if anything changes."

"That's it then?" Bella asked, more than a touch of incredulity in her voice, "a couple of lies, some lousy camera work, and it's safe?"

"It's safe," I assured her, Alice murmuring her agreement.

"So just like that, I can see them?" Her voice was choked with emotion. _I never thought... _her mind whispered, _I never even dared hope. I couldn't even bring myself to write... couldn't let myself think about them because all I'd want was to see them again. I miss them so much. But I can see them, see them again! Letters don't mean anything, not really, they'd tell me they were ok whether it was true or not, but if I see them, I'll know they're ok. Mom, Dad, I'm coming home, as close as I can. I'll be right there on that screen, and we can all pretend that I'm really there with you, just for a few minutes. I love you..._

Her mental voice trailed off into stunned silence, and I felt my emotions well up and overspill. So many different feelings, from a heart that had been so still before Bella. Pride at her strength, joy at her hope, pain for the lingering hurt of her loss, excitement at being able to address Bella's parents as her husband, being able to be a part of her human life.

"How long?" She asked quietly.

"Three minutes," Carlisle replied, "we'll leave you to get ready."

Bella POV

After a final few frantic minutes of coaching, we were ready, and I initiated the voice chat. There they were. My parents.

I was totally unprepared for the emotional shock of seeing them. I felt a sense of relief, all out of proportion with the situation; as if somewhere in the back of my mind I had been sure all along that they no longer existed, that by leaving their world I had put them forever beyond my reach. My Schroedinger's parents; only half there until I saw them for myself.

But there they were, and I wasn't just relieved. I was... angry?

"Mom? Dad?" I was too unprepared for my feelings to keep the icy chill from my voice, and I saw Renee flinch at my tone.

"Bella?" The word came in stereo; Charlie's gruffly hurt voice conflicting with Edward's curious whisper. I met Edward's eyes over the monitor.

_I don't know, Edward, _I thought at him, knowing he would be as confused as I at my sudden ire, _I just feel so angry all of a sudden. Can you ask Jasper to give me a hand with this? _He nodded and slipped silently out. Moments later I felt a wave of calm wash over me and relaxed totally when Edward came back in.

"I'm here Daddy," I said at last, finally able to enjoy the moment of togetherness, with Jasper blocking out my inexplicable rage. I surprised even myself by calling Charlie something I hadn't called him since I was seven. But seeing my parents again, after this year of separation, made me feel all of a sudden as though I was an infant again.

I wanted to speak, but there were so many things I wanted to say that all the words stuck immovably in my throat. There was an awkward pause, as Charlie and Renee seemed as dumbstruck as I.

_Help!_

Smoothly, Edward caught my plea and spoke. "Charlie, Renee? I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Edward, Bella's husband. I wish we had been able to meet before now, but sadly the circumstances have not permitted. It is an honour to speak to you both. I hope you'll understand if I stay back here; I don't doubt that you are a force to be reckoned with, even without the might of the police behind you, and an image of my face would likely make it all too easy for you to find us. I hope someday such secrecy between us will no longer be necessary."

"Edward?" Charlie replied, "knew a kid called Edward myself, a while ago." I could see in his face that he was seizing upon this as a trivial distraction, uncomfortable with the emotional atmosphere. I also noticed that neither of my parents actually replied to Edward's introduction. Clearly they were still suspicious of him. "You might remember him Bella, Edward Cullen, I think he was in your year."

Thankfully, Alice's warning had given me time to prepare my answer. I was grateful, since I'm not sure I could have replied convincingly otherwise.

"Edward Cullen?" I put on a big show of pondering the name, "was he the really big, dark-haired one?" I saw Edward suppress a laugh.

"That's his brother Emmett, Edward was the younger one, sort of coppery hair," _Copper and bronze and gold, _I thought, _the colour of sunshine. _I looked up and saw Edward run a hand through his hair, visibly preening at my thoughts. Hmm, it would take some getting used to, Edward knowing just exactly how much I think about him. But that's love, right? No secrets. And I was enjoying this openness far more than I thought I would.

"Hmm," I responded, non-committally, "I don't really remember him. Are you ok Mom?" She still hadn't spoken a word, and she was gazing at me with such rapt disbelief I was starting to worry.

"Of course I..." I could see her start to answer, and then reconsider her words. "I'm not, Bella. When you left, my phone was never charged, and there was never milk in the fridge, and the bills weren't paid, and the garbage wasn't taken out. Everything fell apart, and I realised just how much I relied on you."

My heart fell. This was exactly what I had been dreading hearing. I knew that it was unrealistic to expect them to be unaffected by my disappearance, but I had always taken pride in the way I cared for my parents, and it hurt me to know that I couldn't anymore. I could see Charlie squirming in his seat, and I knew he was uncomfortable with the emotional atmosphere.

"And I felt so guilty," she continued, "I thought about how much time and effort you put into taking care of your own mother, when it should have been me looking after you. I worried so much that you had been missing out on real life because of me, and I wondered if that was why you left.

"You look so happy now, you're practically glowing, but it isn't just that, you look so much... brighter, and more vivid, like you're just coming into focus. I can't help but wonder if you would have always been like that, without me holding you back."

Silent tears were flowing down her cheeks, and I could see Charlie's urge to flee on his face, even as he put a comforting arm around her shoulder.

"It wasn't like that," I replied fervently, "I liked it, it made me feel special, taking care of you. Everyone wants to feel needed, and that's how you made me feel. I love you Mom, and you never held me back, you encouraged me to be strong and capable and independent. It means so much to me having a mother that knows I need to be cared for in a different way; I may not have needed you to cook my dinners or wash my socks, but I still needed you. I still do need you."

"So come home, baby. I know we both go on and on about how irresponsible it is to marry young... but we're talking about ourselves, not you. You didn't need to elope, I'm hardly in any position to accuse you of making my mistakes, since you stop me from making most of them. Come home. You can live with me, or with Charlie, or we'll buy you a house of your own if you want it. Just come back."

_Remember what Esme said, _I told myself, _they love you enough to accept this. Remember, as much as it hurts, you're doing this for them. It isn't safe, on oh so many levels, for you to be around them. _It hurt, knowing that I was a danger to my own family, to both my families, but it was true. Edward leaned forward, snaking his hand across the table and I took it, gratefully. I looked at him, briefly, saw in his grave eyes that he knew how difficult this was for me, but that glance was all I needed. I took my strength from him.

"I can't, and I can't explain why, either. I'm so sorry, but there's just no way. It isn't safe." There was a moment of silence as my words sank in, and Renee seemed to shrink in upon herself in despair.

"Edward," Charlie said, gruffly, surprising me, "I've got both of the most important women in my life telling me that Bella's happy with you, but I'm a suspicious man, and when I hear my daughter tell me she can't come home to see her own parents because it 'isn't safe', I start to wondering whether this is love, or stockholm syndrome. So I'm going to ask you this once, and God help you if you lie to me. Did you take Bella against her will?"

I stiffened, and then made a conscious effort to relax, knowing that Charlie would see any display of tension on my part as a clear answer to his question. I waited, expecting a blithe and smoothly delivered lie, and looked up in surprise when it didn't come. Edward seemed to be struggling with himself, and I didn't know what to do. Finally he spoke.

"The prudent course of action here, would be for me to lie. No matter what you say, you wouldn't know if I did; I have learned to lie well. For Bella's safety, and your own, there is only one answer I can give, but I find myself strangely unwilling to give it. I suspect there is little I can do to build the relationship with you that I would wish to have with my wife's family, but what small hope I have, I won't jeopardise with falsehoods. So, in the plainest truth it is practical for me to give you, I will admit that when fate turned Bella from her natural course, it was my hand she used. I regretted my actions for many months, but now Bella has deigned, not only to forgive me, but to love me, in a way she never could have, had fate stayed my hand, and I find myself unable to regret anymore. I don't know if you will ever be able to forgive me, as your daughter has, but I hope you will believe us both when we say she has."

I looked up and met his shining eyes. "I don't regret a second," I whispered to him. I could have told him with my mind, but I wanted to hear the words myself, hear them banish the silence. In that moment, it was just the two of us. I knew my parents were watching, listening, but their presence couldn't intrude upon our moment. "I don't, and I never will." He squeezed the hand he still held, and I felt immovable certainty in his grip. After another moment, I turned my attention back to the screen in front of me.

"Mom, for years you've trusted me to take care of you, and I have. Trust me to do the same now. I wish I could come home, but I can't." In that moment I finally felt Esme's implacable will find resonance, deep inside me. The world I lived in was bigger now, than my fears could ever be, and in joining this family I became part of a morality and a duty far beyond truth or falsehood. "I want to keep in touch. I know Edward has sent another camera to you, Mom, so you each have one and we can talk whenever we want. But if that isn't enough for either of you, I understand. I don't want to go through life without you, but I will, if you force my hand. This is all the contact I can offer you. Will you take it?" I knew they wouldn't hear it, knew they couldn't understand it without knowing the death sentence I could place them under, but _I_ heard the deeper mercy under my pitiless tone, and that was enough.

"Bella," Edward whispered urgently, too low for the microphone to pick up his words, "leave it there. Alice says if we give them time to think, they'll accept your terms, but if we keep talking you're just going to fight." I sighed, hearing the wisdom in his words. This conversation hadn't gone as well as I'd hoped, but I'd said what needed to be said. The foundation was laid, and we could build upon it at a later date. I felt purged, cleansed by our exchange, oddly weightless without the worry I had been carrying.

They were still there. They still existed, and in time, all would be well. I stared at the screen, absorbing every detail of my parents, relishing every new line on their faces, every change in their appearance, happy knowing that they still lived, still changed, even though I never would.

"Look, I've got a reception to get to. I'll be on honeymoon for..." I hesitated, realising that I had no clue how long we would be away for.

"Two months," Edward chimed in, "but we'll have a phone for the second month. We'll send you the number as soon as we have it." My interest was piqued. Two months? That's a lot of... alone time. I was looking forward to filling it. The grin Edward shot me, hearing my interest, was distinctly lascivious, and I was glad my parents couldn't see him. I knew Charlie would shoot, in a heartbeat, any man who looked at me that way. Renee smiled knowingly as we exchanged our goodbyes and switched off the machine.

I drooped, suddenly wearied by the emotions of the last half hour. Edward swept me up in his arms and cradled me to him.

"Oh Edward, thank you," I sighed, "thank you so much. That meant more to me than you could ever know."

"Thank you for wanting me there," he replied. "I wasn't lying when I said it was an honour to meet them. I never thought to be able to see a part of your history. It means more to _me_ than _you'll_ ever know, getting that glimpse of the world you came from."

"Poor Jasper," I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. This was supposed to be a party, after all, "I must have put him through the wringer just now. I don't know what was going on with me!"

"Don't you?"

I thought about it, and before I knew it, I was talking. The words flowed from me like a cascade of water, washing away all confusion to reveal the heart of me.

"It was just such a shock seeing them. They've hardly changed at all and I've changed so much. It's the silliest thing, since I'm happy with what and who I am now, and there's nothing a human can do to guard against our kind, even if they knew to, but they're my parents, and I just couldn't help feeling like they should have protected me, somehow, from everything I've gone through. Don't get me wrong, it was worth every moment, to be with you, but there were times when I was so, so alone, and they weren't there."

"It isn't silly, Bella," Edward replied, when it became clear I had finished speaking, "it is never easy, that moment when you realise that your parents are just human, nothing more, that they aren't vouchsafed any particular power or wisdom by mere fact of their parenthood. You had it revealed to you perhaps more forcefully than most."

I sighed. "At least I understand, now, so I can start to forgive them. Funny, how it's so hard to forgive them for only being human. But I know I will now."

"I know you will too, love. You have the most forgiving nature of anyone I've known. Now, chin up. We've got a party to attend." He set me down on my feet, and we exchanged one last, lingering kiss, before going to join our family.


End file.
